Robertson - Si-cology 101

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You cant spell squirrel without Si, and thats me!

M Y PARENTS ABSOLUTELY RUINED me. One of the lessons they always preached was to tell the truth no matter what. The Bible says we should always be honest, and thats one of the virtues Ive tried to live by. I grew up to be an honest man who always told the truth to my teachers, coaches, sergeants, and bosses. Hey, I was like George WashingtonI could never tell a lie! I cant even cross my fingers behind my back, Jack!

I believe lying is a learned skill. Some people are good at it, while others arent. Ive always been a lousy liar. The key to being a good liar is to know when you can get away with it and when you cant. You have to keep a straight face if youre going to lie, and I could never stop smiling when I tried. My palms would get sweaty, and Id lose my composure and start to stutter. Hey, I even grew a long beard so people couldnt call me a bald-faced liar. Still, as much as I tried, I couldnt tell a lie!

My older brother Phil always told me that my nose would grow longer than Pinocchios if I was ever dishonest, and I figured my nose was already big enough. Some people are great at lying. Poker players are great liars, and most politicians will never get elected if they cant lie. Hey, how do you know if a politician is lying? His lips are moving! Some great Americans were undone by not telling the truth: Bill Clinton, Richard Nixon, Lance Armstrong, Mark McGwire, the guys from Milli Vanilli, and Pete Rose, to name a few. I dont want to end up like them, so I always tell the truth. Hey, do you know what happens to a liar when he dies? He lies still, Jack!

My twenty-four years in the army would have been much easier if Id told only a couple of white lies. I got myself into so much trouble in the military by simply telling the truth. I was passed over for promotions and given crummy assignments because I was always honest. If Id told a few little lies, I might have left the army as a four-star general!

Well, Im always honest, so I have to tell you about the time I tried to tell a lie while I was in the army. Hey, even the best of us slip up every once in a while! During my first year in Vietnam, I actually tried to lie to my commanding officer. I was extremely homesick and was desperately trying to get a furlough back to the United States. One day, I walked into my sergeants tent.

Sir, might I have a word with you? I asked very politely.

What is it, Private Robertson? he said.

Well, sir, my wife is extremely ill and the doctors cant figure out whats wrong with her, I said. I really need to fly back to Louisiana to check on her. I think she might die.

Robertson, I have some good news for you, he said. We received a telegram this morning from your wife, and shes been released from the hospital. Everythings going to be fine. Theres no reason for you to go home.

I scratched my head in disbelief.

Sir, with all due respect, I have to tell you that we must be the two biggest liars in Vietnam, I said. I dont even have a wife!

Hey, if Ive learned anything from being a part of Duck Dynasty its that you cant believe everything you see or read. It always amazes me that if people see something on TV or read it on the Internet, they instantly believe its true.

I remember going to church on a Sunday morning not long ago, and a little old lady walked up to me before the service started.

Si, Im so sorry about your vision, she said.

Hey, what are you talking about? I said. My vision is perfect. Its forty/twenty!

No, youre blind, honey, she said. I saw it on TV. It was on Duck Dynasty .

Hey, no matter what I told the lady, she thought I was blind! She even asked me if I needed to be escorted to a pew!

When Phil and I were making an appearance last summer, a pretty lady walked up to our table and said, Here I am.

Who are you? I asked.

Im the lady that just drove three hundred and fifty miles to marry you, she said. Im ready. Lets go.

Well... thats an interesting proposal, but theres someone I know who might object.

Whos that? she asked.

Hey, Im sorry, darlin, I said, but Ive been happily married for more than forty years. I dont think my wife would like it if I got hitched to you, too.

You mean I drove all this way for nothing ? she said. Would you at least sign these T-shirts?

Hey, you wouldnt believe the number of marriage proposals I get every week. Women send me letters, cards, e-mails, flowers, razors, and candy. For some reason, the women across America think Im an eligible bachelor. Hey, sorry, ladies, Ive been married since 1971!

It amazes me what people will say about you sometimes. A few months ago, the phone started ringing at my house one afternoon. All of my relatives and friends started calling me to make sure I wasnt dead! People were even calling Phils house to make sure I was okay. Apparently, someone had advertised that I would be appearing at a festival in Louisiana. When a bunch of people showed up to see me and I wasnt there, one of the vendors at the festival told them that Id been killed in a car wreck! Naturally, everybody thought I was dead. The news of my tragic demise spread like wildfire across the Internet! Hey, news flash, people: Im still here!

As you read this book, there are a few things that you have to understand: 95 percent of my stories are truthful. Every member of the Robertson family has the God-given gift of storytelling. Hey, when youve sat in a duck blind for more than half of your life, you have to figure out some way to pass the time! Its better than looking at Willie and Jase for six hours! Many of the stories I like to tell happened when I was a young boy or when I was in Vietnam. My family members shared some of the stories over the dinner table, and other soldiers in Vietnam passed some of them on to me. At my age, a few of the details are cloudy, but Ill recollect the coming stories as best I can. Hey, just remember it isnt a lie if you think its true! Its up to you, the reader, to figure out whats true and whats fiction. Best of luck with that, Jack! May the force be with you.

Hey, another thing you have to know: my stories are kind of like my vocabulary. You might have noticed I like to say hey quite a bit. Hey can mean anything. It can mean yes, it can mean maybe, and it can mean no. Hey, it could mean next week. The bottom line is, you have to understand hey to understand me.

And if you know anything about Silas Merritt Robertson, you know Im a hard rascal to figure out.

The naked truth is much better than the best-dressed lie.