Table of Contents
Thanks: Shelby, Benjema, Vega, Mitch Bury of Adams Mass.
JOE COLE 4.10.61 - 12.19.91
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
2.13.87 12:10 a.m.. Amtrak en route to Chicago IL: Two girls walk by. Where do you think Henrys going? I should dress up in a Cyndi Lauper suit. Im going to Madison, WI for a show. The closest Amtrak can get me is Chicago. No sweat. I just turned 26 on this train. No more of that Quarter Century Man shit for me anymore, Im on my way to thirty.
Just spent three days in DC. Finished up all the East Coast shows: New York, Boston, Providence, New Haven, Trenton, New Brunswick, DC. Sure was great to see Ian. Its hard to think of that boy turning twenty-five. I really cant see it happening. Not that I think hes going to die before he gets there or anything, but I thought that maybe he would magically escape aging. There is something about him that transcends age. Eternal is such a heavy, clumsy word. I dont want to use it. Hes like a season. I know hell be around. No plane crash will get that guy. Still, it makes me think. What a trip. Ian MacKaye, twenty-five. No way.
The thing I got from this visit is that now its just like another town. I dont even remember the names of the streets. Most of the people I know have moved away. I dont know most of the people that hang out. I think that the less people I know, the better. Im not going to visit there anymore, only to play. I dont need any time among friends. When I open my mouth, I waste my time when I do those things. I lie to myself. Theres no use in that. When Im in the room with them, I feel uneasy, they feel uneasy. Its a lie, it doesnt work. It doesnt have to work. People games tangle me up. Get me caught in games with myself.
The whole car of this train is alive with noise. All of the people behind me are drunk. I cant see why they put alcohol on trains. The air is thick with the smell of booze and bad food.
A drunk guy in front of me is telling us all about how all these people he knows thinks hes a genius and he says, Hah! To me, its nothing!
The old folks across the aisle talk about boring shit, their kids, the Bill Cosby Show and food, thats it. The man with the cowboy hat should be executed. Hes walking up and down the aisle, yelling,
Does anyone want a beer?
Some guy yells, Yeah, Ill take one! Hes got a white hat on, he must be a good guy!
The man behind me croaks, Yeah! Bring em down! Now I hear some people up ahead.
Did you see that guy with the short hair?
The citizens are a trip. Thank goodness for Bruce Springsteen to keep all these people in line. Hey! Go to work, be the person you hate, suck your employers ass, come home and drink. Its all right, Bruce Springsteen wrote a song about you. If you didnt get in line and work all day and hate your own guts then the Boss wouldnt have anything to write about and hed go out of business. The citizen and the Boss walk hand-in-hand into the darkness. I dont mind his music though. In a situation like this, I see where hes coming from.
Four more shows on this trip. Then back to LA for four weeks then out to Trenton for band practice and tour. Looking forward to getting back out here. California is a kicked back joke.
2.13.88 1:07 a.m. Chicago IL: I am twenty-seven years old. Did the show here tonight. Had a real cool time. Went for an hour and a half-it felt like ten minutes.
Stayed up late last night. Tried to get the train at 7:00 a.m. but it was sold out. Had to fly. The airplane was overbooked so they put me in first class. It was cool. It was strange to look back and see all these sorry looking folks in coach. I couldnt help it. I kept looking back at them and watched them watching me. Got off the plane, did two interviews on the phone at the airport. Took a cab to this neighborhood where I always go to get books. Found Proud Beggars by Albert Cossery. Went from there to the club, did two interviews. Took ten minutes to get ready, went out and hit it. Did an interview after everybody cleared out. It was strange. All these people wanted to talk to me. Im signing all these books and then they had to leave and they freaked. They started shoving all this stuff in front of me to sign and started grabbing me. A trip.
So tired from the last few days that I cant even think straight enough to write. The interviews are hard to do. I dont know how much more I can keep this up. I have to get some sleep. Every day has been a brain fry.
I can feel the beast crawling into my bones. My friend is back. Theres that hard skin I lose when Im back there. Its coming back. Thats when Im on-when the beast is running through my blood. I can feel it and its so good. I knew there was something missing and now its back. The longer Im out, the better it gets. Its so easy to forget. When Im back there, it destroys parts of me, makes me dull. It takes a while for the hard shine to come back. What I really need is the music. This spoken thing is good but I need the pain that the music inflicts on my body. Thats when Im at my best. Hard to explain to other people. I have to stay away from women. The longer I go without sex, the better. When Im with a woman, I get weak. No one is close to me and when Im in close contact with a woman, I try to get out of myself. I lie to myself and thats bullshit. For me to do what I need to do, I can be close to no one.
I have been frustrated the last few weeks because I havent had enough stimuli. I keep wanting to be back in Europe in the fourth month of the tour, meaner than shit. I havent been tested since December. I need it bad. I dont think I should ever come off the road. If I do, I should go to a place where I dont know anyone. Association weakens me, waters me down. I will not let anyone pull me off the trail. I must re-read the iron reminders that I wrote a few months ago. They are the truth. The part about how the work comes before anything and anyone, even me. The mission is the only thing that matters. Sex, relationships come second place, third place, last place. The work is all there is.
I remember a while ago. I was with this girl, I told her that the work comes before anything. She got offended. Hey fuck that shit. Females play a smaller part in my life than they used to. As soon as they get in the way of the work then it makes me not like them. They dont know me. No one knows me. The work knows me. The road knows me. The beast knows me. Conflict knows me. Women make all that stuff taste cheap. I was with this girl recently. When I hit the road, I missed her for about a day and now I dont think of her at all. Time to fall out. Tomorrow is Madison, Wisconsin. Another day. Bring them all on. Let them destroy me, let them try. I welcome the hard things.
2:40 p.m. Madison WI: Got here a couple of hours ago. Been outside a long time. Now Im inside Victors coffee store listening to two men discuss why drinking coffee makes them feel guilty. Im so cold that I can hardly hold the pen. I got a pot of coffee-that will allow me to stay here long enough to thaw out. Have to do an interview soon. Its too cold to go back out there too soon.
Looking at all the brightly dressed college kids walking down the street makes me glad that I chose not to go that route. Hearing the shit they talk about is beyond belief. I cant understand how people of that age can be into such mindless bullshit. I was thinking about how today is my birthday. I came to this: Who gives a fuck? Its just another day. I was in this town a year ago doing a talking show. Tomorrow is Milwaukee then onto Boston for the better part of a week. Will be good to move on to another part of the country. I have been out almost two weeks, I cant even tell. I have to look at my interview list to find out what day it is. I like doing the shows night after night without nights off. They get better and better when I do a lot of shows straight. Momentum is important. I find that it helps me to be able to free associate and work openly while on stage.
