Skylar Kergil - Before I Had the Words: On Being a Transgender Young Adult

Copyright 2017 by Skylar Kergil

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Jenny Zemanek

Cover art by Skylar Kergil and Levin Mayerhofer

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-2306-1

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-2308-5

Printed in the United States of America

Contents

Acknowledgments

T O MY GRANDFATHER , S PURGEON S TRUVEN , who taught me its okay to have ice cream every night and who loved me even when he didnt understand.

To my mother, Stephanie Tyler, who protected me from a cruel world while also letting me create my own scars.

To my father, John Kergil, who gave me his X chromosome and, as I grew up, told me I was a good man.

To my brother, JT, who showed me that change can happen.

To Dr. Spack, my endocrinologist, who allowed me a chance at my true life.

To my best friends, Amy and Winnie, who were and are always there for the biggest moments I have gone through, delighting in the joys and facing the challenges as we navigate this complex world.

To Katie and Arin, whose honesty and stories help generations of LGBTQ youth.

To ABRHS, the high school that found space for me to evolve.

To Hank, Paul, Anna, Zane, and Nyour love reached my bones.

To Barack and Michelle Obama, two compassionate leaders and personal role models, who served in office from when I began hormones until when I completed this work. Thank you for your endless hope.

To Janet Mock, Tiq Milan, and Chandler Wilson, for everything you have shared and continue to inspire others to share.

And to my community, my friends, family, followers, fans, and goofballs bopping their heads up and down at my shows: Thank you for encouraging me to write my truth and thank you for embracing me while I face my fearsyou have held me together.

Disclaimer

W HEN I AM INVITED TO share my story, I spend about five minutes listing disclaimers. I wanted to write this memoir; no one forced me into it. No ghostwriters up in here. So let me list my usual disclaimers:

1. There is no one way to be transgender. There is not one path, one journey, set of guidelines or steps to get there. It is an individual path, full of choices based on feelings and experiences. There are options to physically transition, but not everyone has access to these options, even if they wanted them. Some people are transgender but dont ever transition. It is pretty amazing how diverse the transgender community is. I can only offer one story, so I highly encourage you to explore the countless stories of transgender lives available online, in books, or other media. Ive included links to resource and inspiration sections at the back of this book.

2. I am open about my experiences coming out, taking hormones, choosing surgeries, and much of what came along with my transition. However, had I been asked to write this book five or six years agoa few years into my transitionthere are a million things that would not be included that I feel comfortable enough to share now. Had someone inquired what my birth name was years ago, I would have been offended and given them an earful. These days, I explain why it is inappropriate to ask such a question and I caution them against asking it of anyone. However, I will also share my birth name, as it is something I am comfortable with after having been separated from it for so long.

When I answer a question or offer intimate information, it is not an invitation to expect answers from other transgender persons. I can stomach a blaring So do you have a penis or vagina? now because I have educated myself, learned along the way how to best answer these offensive inquiries, and gotten thicker skin. When I was coming out and beginning my transition, these questions made me feel awful, as they should. They made me feel depressedeven suicidalto be reduced to my genitalia during a time when I was simply fighting to be seen as a sentient human being.

Hormones and surgery are personal discussions. They are not required for transitioning; they are options to help ease gender dysphoria, but not every treatment is applicable to all cases. Even though I identify as transgender, I do not hold a free pass to ask any transgender person invasive questions. If there is something I want to know, Ill usually preface it with a Is it okay for me to ask you about your transition?

3. My experience transitioning lands me within the binary. Although I will always question what it means to be a man, I am comfortable being seen as a man and being referred to with he/him pronouns. When I see a form that just says male or female, I can select male without feeling any sort of discomfort. It is important to appreciate and celebrate and remind others that many transgender people do not experience a binary transition that is female-to-male (FTM) or male-to-female (MTF). Gender exists on a spectrum and non-binary identities are valid. Gender also doesnt really exist, as it is a social construct. One of my most talented friends identifies as agender. They do not experience gender. They do not feel strongly as anything existing on, within, or around the binary genders man and woman. They use they/them pronouns as that is what they are comfortable with. I love them.

4. My truth is solely mine. I write from memory and memory is not a perfect record, but I have tried my best to be as truthful as possible. I may forget some important moments, but they still existed. Furthermore, there are things I remember that I cannot disclose, mainly to keep friends, family, and others safe. Most names have been changed for this reason as well.

5. I started writing this book for my younger self. When I was fifteen, coming out as transgender felt like a death sentence. I had not met or seen a living, breathing transgender person that was over the age of eighteen. I doubted that I could graduate from high school, go to college, get a job, find love. I doubted that I could live a not normal, because screw whatever normal is I doubted that I could live a life. Any life, let alone my own transgender one.

This memoir is not meant to be a guide. It is a reflection of my experiences that I wish I could have shown my younger self back then. To inspire hope instead of fear. To expand rather than withdraw.

I finished writing this book for the transgender youth who have contacted me over the years. They inspired me to complete this project and send it out to the world. I have learned so much by listening to the youth of today and I cannot thank them enough.

An overwhelming feeling that ones physical sex does not align with their psychological and emotional gender identity, often resulting in depression, anxiety, and discomfort.

Speaking

I believe that telling our stories, first to ourselves and then to one another and the world, is a revolutionary act. It is an act that can be met with hostility, exclusion, and violence. It can also lead to love, understanding, transcendence, and community. I hope that my being real with you will help empower you to step into who you are and encourage you to share yourself with those around you.