Spector Ian - Chuck Norris Cannot Be Stopped 400 All: New Facts About the Man Who Knows Neither Fear Nor Mercy

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Table of Contents

ALSO BY IAN SPECTOR

The Truth About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T

TO THE READER:

Thanks for paying my rent;
keep up the great work!

Now that Ive had the opportunity to write a third book, Ive realized that most readers will most likely still just skip right over the boring few pages of introductory text and get straight to the goodies that lie within. This left me with a bit of a problem. Should I treat the reader to some witty anecdotes or fascinating true stories? While I would ordinarily jump at the opportunity, I realized that this time around, so little has happened in my life as it relates to all this that it would be as great a waste for me to write as it would be for you to read. Consider it a benefit; I get to make my submission deadline and you get to move on with your day faster than expected. Congratulations, youre already a winner.

Chuck Norris has the heart of a child. HE KEEPS IT IN A SMALL BOX.

When Chuck Norris gets pulled over, he lets the cop off with a warning.

Chuck Norris plays Battleship with the U.S. Navy.

When Chuck Norris tells time, time obeys.

Chuck Norris can tell which way a train traveled by looking at the tracks.

The truth will set you free. Chuck Norris will set you on fire.

Chuck Norris composed the soundtrack to 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Jaws made his last cinematic appearance in 1987. Coincidentally, Chuck Norris developed a liking for sushi in 1987.

Life comes at you fast. Chuck Norriss fist comes at you faster.

Some people see the glass half full, others see the glass as half empty. Chuck Norris always sees Scotch.

As a poor college student, Chuck Norris went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

ALLof Chuck Norriss genes are dominant.

Chuck Norris is just like Spider-Man, only instead of being bit by a radioactive spider, Chuck was bitten by a radioactive god.

Chuck Norris can play Russian roulette with a FULLY LOADED REVOLVER and win.

All eleven secret herbs and spices used in KFC can be found naturally in Chuck Norriss beard.

Chuck Norris once got a girl pregnant after phone sex.

With an accurate kick to the neck, Chuck Norris can turn any fruit into a vegetable.

People dont actually die of natural causes. Its just something doctors use because theres only so many times you can say Chuck Norris did it again in one day.

The French surrender to Chuck Norris every day at 2 P.M.

Giraffes were created after Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris doesnt cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

Chuck Norris doesnt have hair on his testicles because hair does not grow on steel.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didnt kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.

Chuck Norris once defeated a steam train in a jousting tournament.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris became one-fourth Cherokee after winning the 1999 Who Can Eat a Jeep? competition.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldnt dodge Chuck Norriss roundhouse kick.

When God said, Let there be light, Chuck Norris replied, Say please.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris jizzes lightning bolts.

The city of Dallas was brought to a standstill after they renamed their main thoroughfare Chuck Norris Boulevard. Residents were terrified to cross Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can watch a season of 24 in just three hours.

Chuck Norriss family wraps his gifts in lead so he cant see whats inside.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glassat night.

If at first you dont succeed, YOU OBVIOUSLY ARENT CHUCK NORRIS.

Theres strong. Then theres Army Strong. Then theres Chuck Norris strong.

When international spies are given a license to kill, they are simply handed a picture of Chuck Norris.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, not only does Chuck Norris hear it, he probably had something to do with it.

My wife and I decided to name our son Chuck Norris. My wife is still in a coma, and I am learning to walk again.

Meat Loaf would do anything for Chuck Norris.

The only thing that gets between Chuck Norris and justice is an equal sign.

When dining out, Chuck Norris writes thoughtful and practical advice in the area on the bill marked Tip.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life there.

In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself.

Chuck Norris takes steroids, but only so that his balls will fit in his pants.

To raise their standards of safety, automakers now crash test their cars by paying Chuck Norris to run into them.

Chuck Norriss orgasm is the number one cause of drowning among women between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

Chuck Norriss Rice Krispies dont say shit until he gives them the OK.

Chuck Norris had to give up drinking when gas went over three dollars a gallon.

Chuck Norris can break-dance on thin ice.

Chuck Norris was offered a part on the TV show Heroes, but he left after he found out it wasnt a documentary.

When Chuck Norris drinks, he never throws up. HE ONLY THROWS DOWN.

Chuck Norris can create enough wind power with one roundhouse kick to power Sri Lanka for forty days.

Chuck Norriss roundhouse kick is an optical illusion. His right foot doesnt swing around and hit your head, his left foot spins the earth so that your head hits his foot.

Chuck Norris still doesnt know that Walker, Texas Ranger is just a TV show.

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