Stahl - Permanent midnight: a memoir

A guide through the nine rings of Narco-Hell. Jerry Stahl is the Dante of DopeA work of twisted genius by a man whos been there and back.

Mark Mothersbaugh, composer and founder of DEVO

A cauterizing celebration of heaven and hell from one dope fiend of a writer, giving us an apocalyptic glimpse of laughter with the Devil.

Ralph Steadman

Compulsively readable, intense, funny, and, thankfully, free of piety.

The Guardian

Unabashedly luridhighly entertaining.

Publishers Weekly

There is an edge to Stahls prose that fills this book with pathos yet never allows it to become self-indulgentIts a candid window upon the soul of a man who has walked into the shadow of death and survived.

The London Observer

Full-blown, toxic funhouse horrorStahl has easy, loping, hepster story giftsUpfront, doggedly refreshing.

Bruce Wagner, Los Angeles Times

Vivid, agonizingshould be required reading.

Playboy

Stahls brilliantly demented riffs beg to be reador screamedout loud.

Entertainment Weekly

What a terrifying account. The headlong, hazardous processagainst all oddsis healing, beautiful, pure ferocious salvage.

Geoffrey Wolff

Jerry Stahls writing illuminates that dark place where wit and outrage coexisthe grabs us and tells a storyand, to be truthful, I am bound to like any book that makes me feel like a debutante.

Brett Butler

This is a Genuine Barnacle Book

A Barnacle Book | Rare Bird Books
453 South Spring Street, Suite 302
Los Angeles, CA 90013
rarebirdbooks.com

Copyright 2015 by Jerry Stahl

TWENTIETH ANNIVERSARY EDITION

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever, including but not limited to print, audio, and electronic. For more information, address: A Barnacle Book | Rare Bird Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 453 South Spring Street, Suite 302,
Los Angeles, CA 90013.

Set in Times New Roman

ePub ISBN: 978-1-942600-13-8

Publishers Cataloging-in-Publication data

Stahl, Jerry.
Permanent midnight : a memoir / Jerry Stahl.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-942600-05-3

1. Stahl, Jerry. 2. Television writersUnited StatesBiography. 3. Drug addictsUnited StatesBiography. 4. JournalistsUnited StatesBiography. 5. Drug abusersUnited StatesBiography. I. Title.

PN1992.4.S72 A3 2015
808.2/25dc23

For Hubert Selby Jr.

Also by Jerry Stahl

OG Dad: Weird Shit Happens When You Dont Die Young

Happy Mutant Baby Pills

Bad Sex On Speed

Pain Killers

Love Without: Stories

I, Fatty

Plainclothes Naked

PervA Love Story

Editor

The Heroin Chronicles

Normal people have nothing to forget.

E. M. Cioran

Contents

Some names have been changed, some havent.

Foreword

T he path I took to finding Jerry Stahls memoir, Permanent Midnight , was, fittingly, kind of a strange one. During my very short run as a college student I came across the book Sarah by JT Leroy and was instantly captivated by the writings of a young recovering addict, who was, supposedlythats another story for another timejust a few years older than I was. As an aspiring writer and recovering (and not-so-recovering) addict myself, I was drawn to JTs story and I really did admire him. So I started following JTs blogs and reading the many interviews posted on his website. One of these interviews was with the writer Jerry Stahl, who had just released his new novel, Perv: A Love Story.

Not surprisingly, Jerrys book wasnt available in the college library. And they didnt have it at the local bookstore in my college town either. This, alas, was in the early days of Amazon, so it wasnt until I made a trip into New York City that I finally found a copy of one of Stahls books. They didnt have Perv, but they did have a hardback edition of Permanent Midnight.

I started reading the book on the bus back to Hampshire College. It was a five and a half hour ride, and I barely looked up the whole time.

Reading Permanent Midnight that first time, I was seized by this almost palpable sense of excitement. I honestly didnt know writing could be like that. It was so visceral and funny and moving and raw and honest. The writing itself was beautiful, even as it described this acute anguish and heartbreak and devastation. To say that I saw myself in the book would be superfluous. What I saw was something more than that. It was the human conditionthe very act of being and struggling to be. Reading Permanent Midnight , for one of the first times in my life I felt like I wasnt alone. Here was someone else, a total stranger, articulating so clearly and effectively all these feelings Id had since I was a little kid, but had never been able to express myself.

And the book didnt just express the feelings I had, it expressed the feelings that shape the whole world. Thats why, to me, Permanent Midnight transcends the addiction memoir genreit is a great work of literature period.

Years later, when I got around to reading both Tolstoys War and Peace and Anna Karenina , I was reminded of the way Permanent Midnight had made me almost self-conscious interacting with other people while I was reading it. Stahls mastery of the way we talk and interact, with all the subtle complexity that goes into interpersonal relationships, made me intensely aware of my own motives and intentions behind each conversation. It is a type of genius that feels inherent and effortless when you read Stahls work.

But beyond all that, and beyond the deeply funny and deeply moving stories of loss and despair in Permanent Midnight , there is also a whole hell of a lot of hope. Not only did Stahl survive the years of addiction, he came out the other side and was able to write with hope about his life and his future. After a lifetime of self-hatred and self-destructive behavior (spoiler), he ultimately came out the other side.

So not only did Permanent Midnight inspire me as a great piece of literature, it inspired me to keep tryingto not give upto hold on just a little bit longer. That was such a huge gift. One Im incredibly grateful for.

The two semesters I spent at Hampshire ended with me coming home for summer vacation with track marks up and down both arms and a bad fucking opiate habit. Once back in San Francisco, I started shooting crystal meth again. I had a long struggle ahead of me. But somehow, knowing the details of Jerrys Stahls life gave me hope that I could survive my own. Stahl wasand isthe real deal. And his writing reflects that.

It took several years, but I finally got myself back in rehab and thenninety days laterI moved into a sober living in Los Angeles. I got more time clean. And then more time still. It was in that sober living that I reread Permanent Midnight for the second time and then went on to read the rest of Stahls then-canon, Perv, Plainclothes Naked, and I, Fatty . I also watched the awesome Permanent Midnight movie where Ben Stiller plays Stahl (the slightly shorter version of him, anyway).

When I eventually wrote my own memoir and met with my literary agent for the first time, she asked me what author I most admiredand whose career I most wanted to emulate. Without hesitation I said, Jerry Stahl.

Many years later I still emulate Jerry and I credit his books as having helped save my life. It is such an incredibly great honor to write this foreword to the twentieth anniversary edition of Permanent Midnight . It makes me very proud. I hope everyone goes out (or stays in) and buys this book like crazy. Its a deeply important book. And a damn entertaining one, too.