Jo Hoare - Youre On Mute

101 Tips to Add Zip to your Zoom

Jo Hoare

One day historians will look back on this period of communication and divide us into VC and BVC video call and before video call. In 2019, Slack was something you asked your boss to cut you when you were 45 minutes late for the third day in a row, Hangouts was a code word for hook-ups and Zoom a weird ice cream from the 90s that a hundred nostalgia articles were written about on Buzzfeed. Sure, there was the odd Facetime call here and there, and, if you had family overseas, you will have mastered the awkward Skype call on Christmas Day. But by and large video calling tended not to trouble us too much.

Then along came the pandemic, bringing with it a whole wave of absolute awfulness that required us to totally change how we did, well, pretty much everything. With in-person meetings off the cards we flocked and fled to our screens with a varying amount of success. For every super-fun family quiz on Zoom, there was a mega-awkward four-way conversation on Houseparty. Although some experiences could be successfully recreated via a screen, lots could not. Love them or hate them, video calls are now here to stay, so why not make them a little easier on yourself? Read on for our ultimate 101 tips on nailing this now essential part of life.

Before we get into the nuances of advanced video-call etiquette, its important to take time to understand the fundamentals. Get these right and youre well on your way to becoming a pro Or at least not the person who at the start of every call takes 10 minutes to work out which way their camera faces or how to turn their mic on, while the rest of the callers roll their eyes and moan about you on WhatsApp.

THE BACKGROUND

Thou shalt not judge, said no one on a video call, ever. Whether its bored co-workers rating the cleanliness of your kitchen, friends youd never actually invite round making snide remarks about the size of your apartment or your mother reprimanding you over your laundry pile, you can be sure that nothing goes undetected. Here are a few rules for an optimum video backdrop.

KEEP IT CLEAN

With few of us lucky enough to have space for a dedicated office, chances are youll be sat in a room used for other purposes, such as living, eating and sleeping. If so, do at least tidy up the 2 metres visible on screen. Anything outside that viewing zone? Do whatever you like.

2.
KEEP IT CLEAN PT 2

It goes without saying, any products of an intimate nature should be safely hidden in a cupboard. As should any partially clothed partners/roommates liable to walk into view.

GO PRO

For work purposes, a plain-ish wall is ideal. Woe betide the person issuing out some sensitive news about falling profits with a Live, Love, Laugh decal over their right shoulder.

4.
DONT BECOME A POTATO

Dont fake backgrounds. The ones you can choose on Zoom are as weird as hell. So is the sinister blurred option on Teams. Backgrounds dont make you look like youre in a cool coffee shop, perched on a hillside or floating in space. Instead, at best you resemble a poltergeist and at worst a person whos got something really, really suspicious behind them. Spare a thought for the boss who transformed herself into a potato, then spent the rest of the meeting trying to work out how to turn herself back again. Consider also the cautionary tale of the journalist interviewing an A-lister. The poor scribe left on a joke background of a popular meme featuring a family fighting over bathroom habits, leading the A-lister to believe it was their actual family. DISGUSTIN!

TRY A SPOT OF ZOOM-SCAPING

No, this isnt a new pubic hair trend, its just placing your objet dart and objet du jour (aka your fancy stuff) strategically so everyone can see you own Instagrams favourite vase/kept your cheese plant alive/nailed the curated gallery wall. Think of it like a 3-D Instagram flat lay and youre sorted.

6.
HEAVY PETTING

Dont panic about your pets. From the pug whose snoring interrupted a high-court judges sentencing to the cat who jumped onto a laptop and gave hundreds of people on a webinar an extremely detailed view of its posterior, people mostly love a flash of a furry friend. At least its a welcome change from Excel spreadsheets and budget reports.

JUST KIDDING

And if the occasional kid comes spinning into the room demanding more snacks to keep quiet, thats fine, too. Just maybe make sure the in-call conversation is rated PG Daddy, whats inappropriate sexual conduct in the workplace?

BED HEAD

If youve got nowhere to sit in your make-shift workspace apart from your bed, then no ones judging that. But remember theres a big difference between ON and IN.

LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION

If youre trying to impress and look your best on camera, then you want natural light diffused across your face. Sitting facing a window should achieve this, but if the look youre aiming for is more taken into witness protection and cant have their identity revealed, then sit with a window behind you.

WISH YOU WERENT HERE

Thanks to technology we know you can pick up your video call anywhere, but NEVER attempt to take one in the bathroom, OK?

ETIQUETTE

We had to learn a whole new set of rules when texting became the norm (who knew punctuation marks could be so insulting?), and in much the same way video calling requires us to get to grips with a fresh set of dos and donts. From the right way to say hello to knowing when to hang up, make sure you dont fall into poor videtiquette (yeah OK, despite best efforts I admit that phrase doesnt really work and wont catch on). Largely an issue pertaining to the office because your family and friends already know youre rude stick to the following etiquette advice and hopefully you wont make any work enemies Or at least any new ones.