Jess Lourey - Knee High by the Fourth of July

Knee High by the Fourth of July 2007 by Jess Lourey.

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First e-book edition 2010

E-book ISBN: 9780738717197

Book design and format by Donna Burch

Cover design by Ellen Dahl

Cover illustration 2010 Carl Mazer

Editing by Connie Hill

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Acknowledgments

First, Id like to thank my poor TV reception. If not for a pitiable selection of channels, I would write much less. Second, Id like to extend a heartfelt thanks to my lackluster social life. Because of those endless nights at home, Knee High was able to see the light of day. Third, and most importantly, thank you to my mom for coming to watch the kids so I could write, thank you to my dad for keeping everything working in my house so I could concentrate on more important stuff, and big love to my children, who inspire me to evolve and grab all that life has to offer.

Ive also been remiss in my earlier novels in not thanking the people of Battle Lake, who are good sports about the fun-poking and murder-creating I do in their beautiful town. If youve never been to Battle Lake, go. Its worth the drive, and Chief Wenonga is just as sexy as you think he is.

It was the first Thursday in July, the hottest month in Minnesota. The thermometer was busting my hump at a moist 86 degrees, and it wasnt even 8 am. The Channel 7 news, the only station that came in clearly at my double-wide in the woods, was predicting the hottest July in history. The humid, sticky weather made the whole state feel like a greenhouse, or the inside of someones mouth. As a direct result, people who had to work were cranky, people on vacation were ecstatic, and crops were growing like a house on fire. Locals said that if the corn was knee high by the Fourth of July, it would be a bumper crop. We were two days shy of that date and the corn was already shoulder high on a grown man. That strangeness should have been a warning to us all.

I stepped out of the shower into the sauna of my bathroom, wrapped a towel around my wet hair, and crossed the house to flick on the morning news. The droplets of water on my naked body felt deliciously cool against the heavy morning air.

Rinnng .

A phone call while the sun is still pinking the horizon never bodes well, particularly for someone like me who was lucky enough to have been within two feet of one fake corpse and two real ones in as many months. I let down my hair and rubbed it, stirring up the spicy smell of rosemary ginger shampoo.

Ring .

I tossed the towel over the back of a chair and reached for a pair of tattered jean shorts.

Ring .

I threaded the button fly and reached for a midnight blue tank top with a built-in shelf bra to rein in the booblets.

Ring . My answering machine clicked over, and whoever was calling hung up. Must not have been important . I unclenched my shoulder blades and went to brush my teeth. I squeezed out a pea-sized glop of Toms of Maine cinnamon toothpaste, trickled a little water on it, and started scrubbing.

Ring .

Shit. I ran through a list of people I knew who could be dead or hurt, of money I owed, and of anyone who might be mad at me.

Ring .

The sigh came from the bottom of my soul. I was gonna have to answer that phone. A few years ago, I could have ignored it, but the older I got, the less reliable my denial mechanism became. I wondered what other cruel tricks my looming thirties had in store for me. That simultaneous wrinkles-and-pimples one was my favorite so far.

Hello?

Mira James, please. The male voice had an East Coast inflection and a monotone delivery, as if the speaker were reading off a card.

Speaking.

Hello, Ms. James! I could almost see the exclamation point quivering in the air. How are you today?

Im fine. How are you?

Im good, thank you! Tell me, Ms. James, has love found you?

I pulled the cordless phone back from my head, looked at it, found no hidden cameras, and pressed it back against my ear. Whats this about?

Its about helping you find love. Are you single or married?

Who is this? Are you asking me out?

I heard a rustling of pages, a quiet second of reading, followed by tinny laughter. Why no, Ms. James. Im calling to find out if youd be interested in joining Love-2-Love, the new online dating service from Robco. We have thousands already entered in the system, and one may be your soul mate!

Cripes. I needed a soul mate like a monkey needed a bikini wax. Yeah, no thanks.

Registering is free and easy, Ms. James! Save yourself from a lifetime of loneliness. Let me read you a testimonial from some of our newest customers.

Do you know its 7:30 am in Minnesota?

This is from Becky Rafferty, West Virginia: Before Love-2-Love, dating was a tedious process that involved many hours of picking through unsavory men in the hopes of finding one good egg. Now, Love-2-Love chops that time in half!

Nothing personal. I know this is just your job, but Im really not interested.

Check out what Dr. Alan Rotis of Pennsylvania had to say. Like you, I was suspicious of online dating. That was before I met my beautiful wife, Lora. Thanks, Love-2-Love!

I wondered what hellacious karma debt had placed my name on this phone list. Had I smashed a bunny on my way home from work? Cut off a nun in traffic? Accidentally killed someone? Ooh. Maybe this was payback for not pursuing a relationship with the post-operative transsexual professor I had been set up with in May. Man, somebody somewhere was keeping a close eye on the score. I have to go to work.