Dratch - Girl Walks into a Bar . . .

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First printing, May 2012

Copyright 2012 by Mousepaw Enterprises, Inc.

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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA

Dratch, Rachel.

Girl walks into a bar : comedy calamities, dating disasters,
and a midlife miracle / Rachel Dratch.

p. cm.

ISBN: 978-1-101-57990-9

1. Dratch, Rachel. 2. Women comediansUnited
StatesBiography. I. Title.

PN2287.D5495A3 2012

792.7028092dc23

[B]

2011047377

DESIGNED BY JUDITH STAGNITTO ABBATE/ABBATE DESIGN

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

For Eli,

Beyond my imagination

Photo Credits

: Courtesy of the author

: Jennifer Girard

: Ali Reza Farahnakian

: NBCU Photo Bank/Dana Edelson

: Dana Edelson

This book starts off by talking about Showbiz for a while, but I assure you, it is actually not about Showbiz. Its about Not Showbiz, and what happened to my life when Not Showbiz became my un-chosen profession.

Prologue

Hey, I know you! said the stranger.

I was on Third Ave in New York, emerging from the Starbucks.

Hi, I said.

The stranger turned to his friend and nudged him. You know who that is? SNL! SNL, man!

The friend gave a vague, fake nod of recognition. The stranger tried to convince his friend to be more excited.

Shes funny! He turned back to me. Whats your name again?

Rachel.

Yeahhhh! Rachel! Man! SNL! SNL!

The friend looked down the street, wanting to move on.

Awwww! I miss seeing you on TV! I never see you in movies or anything anymore! said the stranger.

Yeah, well

What happened to you?!

How to answer this question: What happened to me? Where have I been since you last saw me on TV? I know where Ive been. My friends know where Ive been. They see me all the time. But, to the comedy-viewing publicWhere have I been? Sometimes people think Im still working, because they see me on reruns of Saturday Night Live or King of Queens. People think if they see you on reruns, that means youre working. No. You are sitting in your apartment watching Judge Mathis. Thats what you are doing.

Dont get me wrong. Im still a vibrant part of the showbiz community. My agent still calls with offers for work. It goes like this:

RRRIIIINNG! RRRIIIINNG!

Yay! I think to myself. Its my agent!

Hi, Rachel. Is this a bad time?

No, not at all! I hit TiVo to pause Judge Mathis. He is about to deliver a verdict to the girl being sued by her mother for wrecking her car.

Weve got an offer for you.

An offer. Great! An offer means you dont have to go in and auditionthe part is yours if you want it. Its my lucky day.

Its to play the part of Cammy.

That sounds awesome!

It shoots in November for two days.

Great!

Cammy is the lesbian friend of the two leads.

OK!

Now, in the script it says shes three hundred pounds, but just ignore that.

Uh-huh.

You have three lines.

Hmm. Um. Can I think about it?

Sure. Give it some thought. Ill circle back.

OK. Bye.

An hour goes by. I finish up my courtroom duties for the moment and move on to my other career: amateur psychologist with Dr. Phil. I kind of detest him, but I get a secret thrill at how pompous he is. I also love how his wife, Robin, sits in the audience smiling every episode and thats her job. Right now, hes speaking to a mom who is addicted to Oxycontin. Now, Im not gonna tell you that what youre doing is even a little bit OK? Cause its not?

RRRIIIINNG! RRRIIIINNG!

No way. Its my agent again!

Hello?

Hey, Rachel. I got another part here.

Yeah?

They want you to come in and read for the part of Ginge.

OK. That sounds funny; now were getting somewhere.

So dont get put off by the character description. Keep an open mind.

Hit me.

Ginge is the chief of police.

OK!

It says in the script shes a fifty-five-year-old bull dyke. Obese. But they want you to put your spin on it.

Okaaay. Wow. Fifty-five years oldand obese?

Well, they say that, but they dont really know what theyre looking for.

You know Im trying to get away from these kinds of parts, right?

Think on it. You might want to just go in and read for it. Ill send you the sides.

OK. Bye.

Wow. Well. Idonot know about this. I return to the television. After Dr. Phil, I may as well head back to the courtroom for Judge Judy. I think of my college classmates from Dartmouth who are performing neurosurgery at this moment, or being senators (Kirsten Gillibrand [D] NY). Coming up on Judge Judy: YOURE A MORON, SIR! Listen, she told me I could keep her dog. I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT! IM SMARTER THAN YOU, SIR! DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Um UM IS NOT AN ANSWER!

RRRIIIINNG! RRRIIIINNG!

What the huh? Its my agent again.

Rachel, I have another part for you.

Three parts in one day? This is unheard of. It almost seems like its being used as a comedic device.

Character is named LaLa.

OK.

Now, dont pay attention to what it says in the script. Its a great part and the movies gonna be huge. Paul Rudd is the lead. You just have one scene, but its a killer.