Janine Annett - I Am Why Do I Need Venmo? Years Old: Adventures in Aging

D o you find yourself wearing a lot of clothing from L.L.Bean? Do you need to avoid too many glasses of wine or too much coffee, because if you dont, youll find yourself awake at 3 a.m., unable to fall back asleep? Do you sometimes genuinely enjoy the music they play at the dentists office? I hate to break it to you, but this means youre probably A Person of a Certain Age.

Picture this: youre out to dinner with a group of friends and the check comes. Inevitably, youll find that no one has change for a twenty, or worse, no one has any cash at all. (I dont know why no one could find time to stop at an ATM when they knew they would have to pay for dinner. )

Or, much to your horror, one of your friends will offer to pay with her credit card and say you can simply Venmo her your share of the bill. The only problem? You dont have Venmo. You could offer to give her cash, but your friend will look at you like youve just offered to pay her during the Colonial era with a promissory note. PayPal? Forget about it. Thats like offering a testimonial about someone on Friendster. Maybe youll start asking yourself why you need to adopt this new platform. Whats wrong with good, old-fashioned cash or credit cards?

Congratulations, you are now officially Why do I need Venmo? years old.

Even if you no longer know about the cool up-and-coming bands or you are not an early adopter of the latest technology (but you are an early riser!), there are some benefits to getting olderlike the fact that you can easily rent a car or that you probably dont have to show ID to prove youre old enough to purchase a bottle of moderately-priced bourbon once a year at the liquor store. You might even have a 401(k). Maybe you feel more comfortable in your own skin and more confident about who you are. Perhaps you finally found the one brand of pants that fit you consistently. (If so, please share what they are, particularly if theyre available at a reasonable price point and youre on the pear-shaped side.) Numerous studies have shown that many people get happier as they get older and find their stress, fear, anger, sadness, and anxiety lessen. (Maybe their IBS even goes into remission!) Ive heard plenty of people say they give less fucks as they age. As Ben Franklin said (I think), With age comes wisdom (although Oscar Wilde clarified, With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone).

As for me, I am definitely no longer the Brooklyn hipster I once was. I decamped for the burbs after too many celebrities moved into my old neighborhood and ruined it for the rest of us. (You know who you are, Grammy-award-winning musicians and movie and television stars jacking up the prices of real estate! Now, thankfully, I live in a town with only one major movie star.) I definitely cannot be considered a young, cool person at this point. (I am sure certain peoplelike my sonwould laugh at the notion of me once being a young, cool person.) And thats fine! I am happy to be a middle-aged ( gasp! ) literal suburban soccer mom ( gasp!!! ) who loves her husband, kid, and dog; eats fat-free Greek yogurt (boring, I know); and once in a while gets to go into the city to do things like go to a doctors appointment or watch a band that is now twenty-six years old (older than some fully formed adults!!!).

Jane Birkinthe famously gorgeous model and actor who first rose to fame in the 1960ssaid in an interview with Harpers Bazaar in 2018 (at age 71!), I think women only start to really look like themselves after they turn 30. She also said, When youre older its far more important that you smell delicious. (I think this advice is spot on. Even though you cant smell me through this book, please believe me when I say that I smell good, in a subtle yet pleasant way, at all times.)

And when I truly reach my senior years (as opposed to just acting like a senior citizen, knitting Fair Isle sweaters and sitting around covered in a blanket and/or heating pad at all times), I aspire to be like the fictional character Maude in the film Harold and Maude (minus sleeping with someone decades younger and committing suicide on my eightieth birthday). Maude loves to play music (so do I! I am the proud owner and player of several guitars, a mountain dulcimer, and numerous ukulelesits a long story) and stir things up; she says everyone has the right to make an ass out of themselves. You just cant let the world judge you too much. Or as George Burnsthe comedian who lived to be one hundred years old (supposedly in great health for his whole life, and working right up until he died after experiencing a career revival at age 79)said, You cant help getting older. But you dont have to get old.

In addition to becoming Why do I need Venmo? years old, you just might find that youve become hurt yourself putting on your pants years old, saw something you had as a kid in an antique store years old, or maybe even I can get down low but I cant get back up again years old. Unless youre nineteen years oldin which case, we suspect you accidentally picked up your parents copy of this book, thinking it was an iPad you could watch TikTok on. Everything I know about TikTok is courtesy of an article I read in the New Yorker , because Im also definitely now subscribes to the New Yorker years old. Maybe you are, too. In which case: Welcome to the club. Were happy to have you, because youre now probably feeling like youre just a little too old for a nightclub. (Remember nightclubs? When was the last time you went to one? Are they still called nightclubs? Discotheques ? Have I turned into my mother who calls jeans dungarees and called Macys Bambergers for thirty years after Bambergers ceased to exist? Love you, Mom!) At any rate, the members of this club go to bed early, wearing comfortable pajamas and reading a good book.