Kathryn Cushman - Leaving Yesterday

Leaving Yesterday

Leaving Yesterday
Copyright 2009
Kathryn J. Cushman

Cover design by Dan Thornberg, Design Source Creative Services

Scripture quotations are from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwisewithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Published by Bethany House Publishers
11400 Hampshire Avenue South
Bloomington, Minnesota 55438

Bethany House Publishers is a division of
Baker Publishing Group, Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Cushman, Kathryn.
Leaving yesterday / Kathryn Cushman.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-7642-0382-4 (pbk.)
1. Mothers and sonsFiction. I. Title.
PS3603.U825L43 2009
813'.6dc22

2009025128

To Melanie Cushman

Ive watched you smile your way through things that would
bring most people to tears of despair.
Your courage inspires me more than I can say.

Contents

My son was dead. I knew it the minute I saw the black-and-white car pull to the curb in front of my house.

Clods of potting soil still clinging to my gloveslike the debris of the last few years clung to everything in my lifeI turned back to my house, walked up the porch steps, opened the front door, then closed and locked it behind me. Perhaps a reasonable person would understand that the clink of the deadbolt sliding into place did nothing to stop the impending news. Well, show me the mother who thinks with reason when faced with the news that her only remaining son is dead.

I walked into my kitchen and tossed my gloves on the counter, ignoring the splatter of soil they left over what had been spotless granite. I grabbed a cup from the top shelf and shoved it against the slot in the refrigerator door, holding it in place with such force I thought the glass might shatter. Cold water filled it almost to the rim. Just taking a little break from gardening, thats what I was doing. That policeman outside had turned onto the wrong street, thats all. He had probably realized his mistake and was gone by now.

I took a seat at the kitchen table and opened the home improvement catalog that sat atop the mail pile. I thumbed mindlessly through page after page until one particular ad reached out and wrapped its fingers around my throat. The boys in the photo looked nothing like Nicolas or Kurt, other than the fact that my sons had once been boys that size. Still, looking at the picture, I couldnt help but remember them as their eight- and ten-year-old selves. A smiling father held up the latest power drill beside the tree house in progress; his smiling wife stood atop the latest greatest ladder. Even the chocolate Labrador at the bottom of the picture appeared to be smiling at the two boys, who stood beside the pile of lumber. A world so full of promise.

Just like ours had once been.

The chime of the doorbell brought me back to the present. And reality. A reality I didnt want to face, but I had to. Time had just run out.

As I walked toward the front door, it occurred to me that these would be the last steps I would ever take without knowing for certain that Kurt was dead. I needed to hold on to this time for as long as I could, remember each step as something precious. One step. Two. Three At ten, I reached the door.

I took a deep breath and put my hand on the brass handle, still smeared with dirt from my useless attempt to shut this moment out. In spite of the fact that I didnt want it to, the lock pivoted beneath my fingers. There was no turning back now. I tugged at the front door, surprised by how heavy it felt, and then came face-to-face with my worst nightmare. Only what I saw did not match the image I had expected.

Everything about the officers appearance surprised me. Missing was the grim undertaker expression on a face sagging with age and sorrow. At the very least, I expected a strong undercurrent of discomfort from the poor unfortunate officer saddled with delivering this kind of news. Instead, his demeanor was pleasant, almost amiable as he looked at me. His reddish hair and youthful freckles reminded me of a grown-up version of Opie from The Andy Griffith Show. Alisa Stewart?

I held on to the doorknob for support, waiting for the blow to come. Yes.

Im Detective Bruce Thompson from the Santa Barbara Police Department. He didnt say more. I supposed he was giving me a chance to respond with some pleasantry, or to ask about the nature of his visit.

I didnt.

What could I possibly want to say to him? We both knew what was coming. Why would I want to ask the question that would bring on the inevitable? I simply stared at him and waited.

He shifted on his feet and finally looked down at a small pad of paper he carried in his right hand. You are Kurt Stewarts mother. Is that correct?

Yes.

Again, he waited. His military-short haircut stood at attention, as if it, too, anxiously anticipated my response. What was he expecting? Id answered the question; that was more than enough talk for me.

Finally, he asked, Do you know where we might find him?

What? The doorframe beside me seemed to waver. I reached my left hand to grab it for support. Youre not here to youre looking for him?

He looked as confused by my response as I was surprised by his question. Yes. Is he here?

I turned to lean my back against the doorframe and slid to the ground.

Detective Thompson knelt beside me. Are you all right?

Im, Im fine. Its just that, I thought you were here to tell me that he was I rested my head on my knees and took deep breaths. Deep, freeing breaths.

My son was still alive.

To Detective Thompsons credit, he waited quietly beside me, giving me a chance to pull myself together without any clumsy attempts to be helpful. Finally, I looked at him and shrugged. I thought youd come to tell me that youd found my son dead. How many years now had I dreaded just such a visit? To an addicts mother, it was woven into the fiber of daily existence as completely as the fragile thread of hopeand often with more clarity.

Detective Thompson rubbed his hand to his forehead. I am so sorry. If it had occurred to me what you might think, I would have stated up front that everything was okay.

I became aware of a woman walking her golden retriever on the sidewalk across the street, eyes fixed right here on my front porch. It didnt take much of an imagination to know what kind of story this could make around the neighborhood. I stood up and gestured weakly back inside. Would you like to come in?

He nodded and followed me in. Whatever his reason for the visit, it didnt matter. My son was alive. Here, let me get you some water.

A moment later we were seated at my kitchen table, the magazine still opened to the family tree house picture. I touched the face of the smallest boy, suddenly thankful for his presence.

Back to my earlier question, is Kurt staying here? Do you know where I might find him?

I shook my head. I havent seen him in over a year. I took a sip of my water, feeling the coldness slide down my throat. We have a young daughter, and my husband believes I stared out the back window at a group of crows roosting in the giant oak on the other side of our fence. I envied the lack of complication in their existence. Well, at some point a parent has to quit enabling bad choices. You know, tough love, all that. I looked into his eyes, wondering what a police officer thought about tough love. Did he see it as the cruel, uncaring act that it often felt like, or did he see it as the necessity that Rick did? As a mother, my head told me one thing, my heart another.