Lee Ridley - Im Only In It for the Parking: Life and laughter from the priority seats

CONTENTS

About the Author

Lee Ridley is also known as Lost Voice Guy. He is a stand-up comedian, writer and tech geek based in Newcastle upon Tyne. Lee developed cerebral palsy as a baby and communicates using an iPad. A bit like Stephen Hawking. Though, in Lees words, better looking. He is a BBC New Comedy Award winner, his Radio 4 sitcom Ability has had two series and counting, and he is the winner of 2018s Britains Got Talent . Lee has appeared on Live at the Apollo and at the Royal Variety Performance , sold out at the Edinburgh Fringe and had his first nationwide tour in 2019. He is an ambassador for Scope. Im Only In It for the Parking is his first book.

This book is dedicated to my wonderful mam and dad, Janet and David, also my sister, Nicola, and brother-in-law, Jonathan, and my adorable niece, Charlotte.

Without their love and support, I wouldnt have had the amazing adventures Ive had, and this book wouldnt have been possible. Oh, and theyve featured in a fair few embarrassing stories in it as well. Sorry about that.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being who you are.

Foreword

MEET NON-SPEAKING MAN

Of course Lost Voice Guy isnt my real name. My parents were never mean enough to put that on my birth certificate. At least, thats what they told me to say whenever the nice person from Social Services visited. Thats a joke, by the way. I feel I have to point this out to you just in case Social Services actually decide to pay my parents a visit regarding the historic mistreatment of their son. Yeah finally responding to that call I put in back in 1990.

Lost Voice Guy is a stage name I gave myself to stand out from the crowd. Lets face it, when youre on a bill with ten other comedians, its a lot easier to remember Lost Voice Guy than it is to remember some random name Well, it should be. Though Ill also answer to No Voice Boy, Non-Speaking Man, Voiceless Bloke and Him who won The X Factor .

I use a stage name because I felt I had to be upfront about my disability. I didnt want it to be the elephant in the room as I was walking out onstage and I didnt want it to distract people from my actual material. Theres nothing worse than facing a crowd who are feeling awkward or who arent sure whether to laugh or not. By calling myself Lost Voice Guy I was putting all my cards on the table and saying: Yes, this is who I am and, yes, I have a disability. The clue is in the name.

I want people to realize straight away that Im comfortable to joke about my condition (my range of T-shirts helps with this) and therefore, hopefully, make them fine with it, like Im fine with it. Im not there to be a freak show. I dont want anybodys pity. Im just there to have a laugh and help everyone have a good time. Thats also the reason why I usually open most of my sets with a few quick-fire gags about my disability. Ive always found it helps put people at ease and then I can get on with the business of making them laugh.

So, my real name is Lee, and Ive been disabled since before it was popular.

I wasnt born this way. In fact, I was a fit and healthy young lad until I was six months old. Then I developed sores in my mouth and fell very unwell. According to my mam, over the next few days my condition worsened, my temperature remained high and my mouth was so sore that I wasnt able to feed properly. Worrying times, as you can imagine. But it got worse. I then started convulsing and was admitted to hospital. Over the next few days I had various tests, including a brain scan, which suggested I might have a tumour. By this time I was becoming comatose. Never a good sign, and Im no doctor. Further investigation revealed that I had developed encephalitis.

Eventually the treatment I received was effective in treating my condition, but it left me with a right-sided weakness, which was and is similar to a stroke in its effects. Thats why I move like a zombie out of The Walking Dead because the right side of my body is weaker than my left. Its also why I cant do a lot of things that most other people take for granted. I cant walk in a straight line, for example. Ive tried. On a number of occasions. But the more I try to walk straight, the more wonky my walk becomes. Its like those times when youre trying to convince the bouncer youre not drunk so theyll let you into a club. No ones falling for it. I did once try to get completely off my face in the hope that if I drank enough Id walk straight, but it just gave me a bladder infection. During my drinking binge, I did think about going to Alcoholics Anonymous, but I was worried that Id have trouble with the Twelve Steps. Another little joke there.

Thats right, stairs are a struggle too (one of the many things that the Daleks and I have in common). I cant manage them at all unless theres a handrail ideally on my left-hand side or something or someone else to grab on to as I go up and down. It goes without saying that escalators are totally off limits. If I cant deal with stairs that dont move, then Im fucked with stairs that do. Although I remember once as a brave teenager I stood at the top of the escalator attempting to coordinate my already shaky leg movements with the rhythm of the escalator stairs. After fifteen minutes, I gave up and went to find the lift.

Neither can I walk long distances without getting really tired. It wasnt always this bad. When I was younger I used to be able to walk quite a way, but its got worse over the years mostly because Im an old bastard now. A thirty-eight-year-old bastard, to be precise. These days I usually rely on a wheelchair, mobility scooter or taxi if Im going further than fifty metres. I do still like to walk when I can, though. I need a bit of help but Im stubborn enough to try my best. My wonky legs have served me well for this long, so Im not letting them give up now.

My general physical movements are also pretty restricted. Im shit at bending down and picking up stuff off the floor (so I cant shop at Primark) or at reaching up and getting anything off a high shelf (so I cant buy any porn). As long as I shop where everything is at eye level Im sorted.

So, thats my body.

I use a communication aid to speak. I actually use an app on the iPad to do my talking at the moment, but over the years Ive had many different devices of varying shapes and sizes (though Im glad to say the general trend is that theyve been getting smaller) enough to open a museum if only Id kept them all.

Because my illness developed within the first year of my life, Im classed as having cerebral palsy. As a kid, it was never really explained what had happened to me, probably because the doctors didnt have Google in those days. Needless to say, when I found out Id never be able to talk again, I was speechless.

On the upside, Lost Voice Guy was born.

A lot of water had to pass under the Tyne Bridge before I could go from being a Geordie kid with a disabled parking badge to seeing how much I could get away with taking the piss out of Simon Cowell on national TV without spoiling my chances of winning Britains Got Talent . (Quite a lot, as it turned out.) What happened and when, how and even why with a bit of wow thrown in is what this book is about. But before we can get properly under way, my voice app has a few announcements to make.

Ive lived in Newcastle all my life, but for some reason I still havent picked up the accent. In fact, if youre struggling to place my distinctive mode of address, thats because its from PC World. People often wonder why I chose to use such a posh voice for my talker. Lets be honest, it wouldnt be out of place reading the shipping forecast on Radio 4. The fact is that I simply didnt have much choice in the matter. The option I selected is called UK Adult Male Graham and its one of the few voices available to me. Some of my other options are: