Terry Pratchett - The Truth (Discworld, #25)

T he rumor spread through the city like wildfire (which had quite often spread through Ankh-Morpork since its citizens had learned the words fire insurance).

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold

It buzzed through the fetid air of the Alchemists quarter, where they had been trying to do the same thing for centuries without success but were certain that theyd manage it by tomorrow, or next Tuesday at least, or the end of the month for definite.

It caused speculation among the wizards at Unseen University, where they knew you could turn one element into another element, provided you didnt mind it turning back again next day, and where was the good in that? Besides, most elements were happy where they were.

It seared into the scarred, puffy, and sometimes totally missing ears of the Thieves Guild, where people put an edge on their crowbars. Who cared where the gold came from?

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold

It reached the cold but incredibly acute ears of the Patrician, and it did that fairly quickly, because you did not stay ruler of Ankh-Morpork for long if you were second with the news. He sighed and made a note of it, and added it to a lot of other notes.

The dwarfs can turn lead into gold

It reached the pointy ears of the dwarfs.

Can we?

Damned if I know. I cant.

Yeah, but if you could, you wouldnt say. I wouldnt say, if I could.

Can you?

No!

Ah- ha!

It came to the ears of the night watch of the city guards, as they did gate duty at ten oclock on an icy night. Gate duty in Ankh-Morpork was not taxing. It consisted mainly of waving through anything that wanted to go through, although traffic was minimal in the dark and freezing fog.

They hunched in the shelter of the gate arch, sharing one damp cigarette.

You cant turn something into something else, said Corporal Nobbs. The Alchemists have been trying it for years.

They a can genrally turn a house into a hole in the ground, said Sergeant Colon.

Thats what Im talking about, said Corporal Nobbs. Cant be done. Its all to do withelements. An alchemist told me. Everythings made up of elements, right? Earth, Water, Air, Fire, andsunnink. Well-known fact. Everythings got em all mixed up just right.

He stamped his feet in an effort to get some warmth into them.

If it was possible to turn lead into gold, everyoned be doing it, he said.

Wizards could do it, said Sergeant Colon.

Oh, well, magic, said Nobby dismissively.

A large cart rumbled out of the yellow clouds and entered the arch, splashing Colon as it wobbled through one of the puddles that were such a feature of Ankh-Morporks highways.

Bloody dwarfs, he said, as it continued on into the city. But he didnt say it too loudly.

There were a lot of them pushing that cart, said Corporal Nobbs reflectively. It lurched slowly around a corner and was lost to view.

Probly all that gold, said Colon.

Hah. Yeah. Thatd be it, then.

And the rumor came to the ears of William de Worde, and in a sense it stopped there, because he dutifully wrote it down.

It was his job. Lady Margolotta of Uberwald sent him five dollars a month to do it. The Dowager Duchess of Quirm also sent him five dollars. So did King Verence of Lancre, and a few other Ramtop notables. So did the Seriph of Al-Khali, although in this case the payment was half a cartload of figs, twice a year.

All in all, he considered, he was onto a good thing. All he had to do was write one letter very carefully, trace it backwards onto a piece of boxwood provided for him by Mr. Cripslock, the engraver in the Street of Cunning Artificers, and then pay Mr. Cripslock twenty dollars to carefully remove the wood that wasnt letters and make five impressions on sheets of paper.

Of course, it had to be done thoughtfully, with spaces left after To my Noble Client the, and so on, which he had to fill in later, but even deducting expenses it still left him the best part of thirty dollars for little more than one days work a month.

A young man without too many responsibilities could live modestly in Ankh-Morpork on thirty or forty dollars a month; he always sold the figs, because although it was possible to live on figs you soon wished you didnt.

And there were always additional sums to be picked up here and there. The world of letters was a closed bomysterious papery object to many of Ankh-Morporks citizens, but if they ever did need to commit things to paper quite a few of them walked up the creaky stairs past the sign William de Worde: Things Written Down.

Dwarfs, for example. Dwarfs were always coming to seek work in the city, and the first thing they did was send a letter home saying how well they were doing. This was such a predictable occurrence, even if the dwarf in question was so far down on his luck that hed been forced to eat his helmet, that William had Mr. Cripslock produce several dozen stock letters which only needed a few spaces filled in to be perfectly acceptable.

Fond dwarf parents all over the mountains treasured letters that looked something like this:

Dear Mume & Dad,

Well, I arrived here all right and I am staying, at 109 Cockbill Street The Shades Ankh-Morpk. Everythyng is fine. I have got a goode job working for Mr. CMOT Dibbler, Merchant Venturer and will be makinge lots of money really soon now. I am rememberinge alle your gode advyce and am not drinkynge, in bars or mixsing with Trolls. Well thas about itte mut goe now, looking forwade to seing you and Emelia agane, your loving son,

Tomas Brokenbrow

who was usually swaying while he dictated it. It was twenty pence easily made, and as an additional service William carefully tailored the spelling to his clients and allowed them to choose their own punctuation.

On this particular evening, with the sleet gurgling in the downspouts outside his lodgings, William sat in the tiny office over the Guild of Conjurors and wrote carefully, half listening to the hopeless but painstaking catechism of the trainee conjurors at their evening class in the room below.

pay attention. Are you ready? Right. Egg. Glass

Egg. Glass, the class droned listlessly.

Glass. Egg

Glass. Egg

Magic word

Magic word

Fazammm. Just like that. Ahahahahaha

Faz-ammm. Just like that. Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha

William pulled another sheet of paper towards him, sharpened a fresh quill, stared at the wall for a moment, and then wrote as follows:

And finally, on the lighter Side, it is being said that the Dwarfs can Turn Lead into Gold, though no one knows whence the rumor comes, and Dwarfs going about their lawful occaions in the City are hailed with cries such as, e.g., Hollah, short stuff, lets see you make some Gold then! although only Newcomers do this because all here know what happens if you call a Dwarf short stuff, viz., you are Dead.

Yr. obdt. servant, William de Worde.

He always liked to finish his letters on a happier note.

He fetched a sheet of boxwood, lit another candle, and laid the letter facedown on the wood. A quick rub with the back of a spoon transferred the ink, and thirty dollars and enough figs to make you really ill were as good as in the bank.

Hed drop it in to Mr. Cripslock tonight, pick up the copies after a leisurely lunch tomorrow, and with any luck should have them all away by the middle of the week.

William put on his coat, wrapped the woodblock carefully in some waxed paper, and stepped out into the freezing night.

The world is made up of four elements: Earth, Air, Fire, and Water. This is a fact well known even to Corporal Nobbs. Its also wrong. Theres a fifth element, and generally its called Surprise.