Trish Cook - Notes from the Blender

AUNT SARAH SAT IN HER PRIUS UNTIL I ACTUALLY opened the door to my house. Sometimes I like thisits a stupid little gesture that helps me feel like Im cared for. Other timeslike that afternoonI find it kind of annoying. I mean, Im sixteen years old. Ive had my own key to this house for seven years, and its not like Dads going to change the locks.

Still, Aunt Sarah didnt drive off until I actually turned my key in the lock and waved at her.

I could tell something was wrong as soon as I walked in the door. Dad was wearing his we-need-to-have-a-Serious-Talk face.

I was immediately reminded of the last time we had a Serious Talk, which was over a year ago. Dad had finally discovered the reason his computer was running so slow, and instead of just going, Oh, somebodys downloaded some rather large video files, and let me just delete them to free up some memory, he had to go and actually watch them. And then he had come into my room for a Serious Talk.

Listen, hed said, its not like I didnt have a stack of Playboys under my bed when I was your age

Still got em? Theyre collectors itemswe could like sell em on eBay and probably

Dec Yeah, to most people, dec is a slab of wood behind the house where you sit out and grill things and the parents get buzzed on margaritas while the kids play capture the flag in the yard. To me, its my first name. Short for Declan. My parents werewell, Dad is, and Mom, of course, was , because every verb about Mom is in the past tensebig fans of Elvis Costello, who looked like a kid who gets a swirlee in the locker room. I mean, Ive been dodging bullies for ten years, and I look at the guy and I want to give him a swirlee. And his real name is Declan. And sos mine.

Dec, Dad had said, I dont still have them. The point is this: its not like I think its some great sin to look at dirty pictures. Or, in this case, movies.

I knew it was wrong, but I just couldnt stop myself. Howd you enjoy The Ass and the Curious ?

You knowwait, is that really what its called?

One of em, yeah.

Dad had worked very hard at that point to suppress a smile. Eventually, he won. Anyway, its not that thats so terrible on its own, and its not like the death metal is so awful on its own, though I really did think you outgrew songs with Cookie Monster on vocals when you were about fivehe had given me this sly smile, like, Hey, isnt it funny I dont understand a thing about the music you love? I had just glared at him. And its not like the incredibly violent video games are so bad on their own, but put all this stuff together, and it makes me really worry about you.

Why, Dad?

Because, Dec, it just doesntIts all soIts all so bleak. Antiseptic phony sex scenes, guys screaming about demons eating their flesh, and hours and hours in front of the TV pretending to be a sociopathic killer. It justgeez, Dec, theres a scary amount of rage on display here.

Id just looked at him. What could I possibly have to be enraged about? I was, at the time, a freshman boy, the lowest possible form of life in any high school. I had been desperately horny, and not into either sports or drugs, which pretty much cut out the two major avenues into the pants of eligible girls. Oh yeah, and my mom had died in a car wreck while driving me to soccer practice when I was nine. I was in the backseat and didnt get injured. I cant really say I walked away without a scratch, because they tell me the EMTs had to pull me, screaming and crying, off my moms body. So I didnt walk. But I really didnt have a scratch.

At least Dad had never blamed me for that. Or, anyway, I never thought he did.

So, listen, Dec, hed said at the conclusion of last years Serious Talk, Ive talked to your aunt Sarah, and weve agreed that youre going to spend Saturday nights over there and then go to church with her on Sunday mornings.

Church? Church? Youre kidding, right? I had heard my dad talking to his sister Sarah after mom died and saying that any God whod take my mom away wasnt worth getting out of bed for on Sunday.

No, Dec, Im not. I wantI feel like Im not doing a great jobI mean, I bought you the games Im complaining about, right? I want you to have some female influence in your life, and yeah, I do want you to go to church, even if you hate it, so its not all demons and killing.

I had been so angry I was actually speechless, which rarely happens. And you know, I mean, Dec, its important for you to know that porn isnt real. I mean, theyre really having sex, but thats not what real sex is like. Real sex is

Dad, I swear to God I will go to Aunt Sarahs house and spend the night and go be the ministers helper if you will promise to never, ever tell me what real sex is like. I mean, who wants to hear that from their dad? Well, son, when your mother and I used to hit it No. Not what I want to hear at all. Ever.

Dad had paused, looking like he was thinking about getting mad, and then hed smiled. Deal.

So thats how I came to spend weekends with my aunt Sarah, the minister at First Church, and her partner, Lisa. And how I got a job as the First Church sexton. That sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is. The sexton is actually the church janitor. So I go and sweep up the parish hall, dispose of the mouse corpses that collect in the kitchen, set some new traps, maybe rake some leaves, that kind of stuff. And the whole time, I try to figure out how I can ever say, Yeah, they call me the sexton, cause Im bringin a ton of sex. Which doesnt even really make sense, but it amuses me when Im doing the parts of the job that are less interesting than rodent disposal.