Caren Schnur Neile - Only in Florida: Why Did the Manatee Cross the Road & Other True Tales

Published by The History Press

Charleston, SC

www.historypress.com

Copyright 2020 by Caren Schnur Neile

All rights reserved

Landscape cover images courtesy of Steve Morrison.

First published 2020

E-book edition 2020

ISBN 978.1.43966.922.8

Library of Congress Control Number: 2019954266

print edition ISBN 978.1.46714.306.6

Notice: The information in this book is true and complete to the best of our knowledge. It is offered without guarantee on the part of the author or The History Press. The author and The History Press disclaim all liability in connection with the use of this book.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form whatsoever without prior written permission from the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

For my students and teacherspast, present and future

And for Miles Abraham, who has a standing invitation here

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Thank you, Joe Gartrell, for believing both in this project and in me. Thanks also to Michelle Andrews, Samantha Harris, Anesti Karastinos, Bilha Ron and Joe Thomas for helping me connect with some of the people and stories that made this book what it is.

Thank you, Tom Neile, for always supporting me, no matter what, when, how, where or why.

Most importantly, my sincere appreciation goes out to the people who contributed so generously of their time, patience and stories to make this book possible.

Anthony Armonda

Beckyjo Bean

Grace Briden

Patricia Burdett

Arthur Cohen

Eva Cohen

Joseph DeCelles

Carl Fields

Sol Friedman

Lucia Gonzalez

Shirlee [Hammond]

Steve [Hammond]

Becky Harris

Diamond-Storm Hosch

Anastasios Karastinos

Holly Larson, PhD

Lucrce Louisdhon-Louinis

Laurie Martin

Steve Morrison

Pat Nease

Kitty Oliver, PhD

Janixx Parisi

Eddie Rennolds

Samuel Ron

Ramona Rung

Alexander Suarez

Bill Trapani, PhD

Mark Traugott

Joel Vinikoor, DPM

Lori Vinikoor, DPM

Sheldon Voss

Peter Wegmann

Rodney Welch

Tanya Wilson

Pedro Zepeda

A map of Florida. University of Texas/yellowmaps.com.

INTRODUCTION

FLORIDA FOLKS

Sometimes I think Ive figured out some order in the universe, but then I find myself in Florida, swamped by incongruity and paradox, and I have to start all over again.

Susan Orlean

I love Florida, and I venture to say that I love it like only a nonnative can. Dont they say converts make the truest believers? I suggest that only someone who grew up far away from this troubled paradise is able to fully appreciate the things natives can take for granted: the diversity of culture and lifestyles, the (more or less) balmy weather, the amazing cast of characters current and historical, the flora and fauna, the truly unique wetlandsand did I mention the weather?

Since the Spanish landed in 1513, and for thousands of years before that, people have enjoyed the magnificent expanse of Florida land and sky that always puts me in mind of a snow globemainly flat on the bottom, with 180 degrees of arcing heavens above. And as memorable as the beaches, the Everglades, the cattle country and all the rest are the people. Its safe to say that weve had more than our share of pirates and profiteers, drug dealers and dirt bags, but weve also got more than sixty-five thousand square miles of some of the hardest working, most generous, fascinating people youd ever want to meet. (Over twenty-one million of them, in fact.)

Of course, you could say that sort of thing about a lot of places. Meanwhile, most of us are pretty ordinary. So just what makes ordinary Floridians interesting? Maybe its the mix of people and place.

FLORIDA MAN (AND WOMAN)

Its always sunny in the Sunshine State. Except at night.

Jarod Kintz

Just when you thought it was safe to go to Florida, a December 20, 2018 headline in the Miami Herald appeared that read Florida Man 2018, A Look Back at Floridas Most Florida Crime Stories. If you think that headline has a typo, youre not alone. But what it means is that to outsiders, these stories have the strongest Floridian flavor. That is, they are the strangest. Included in the mix: A Florida man told the Dania Beach police that he was carrying his daily vitamins. The pills turned out to be heroin. Or try this: A Florida man exited a mens room at Daytona Beach International Airport wearing only black socks. (You guessed it, another drug-related story.) A Florida woman (we are equal opportunists here) in St. Petersburg called 911 to ask for a beer delivery. And perhaps my favorite: A Florida man walked into a Brookville department store for a job interview and came out with two stolen pairs of shoes.

The blurb beneath the headline reads: We dont know what it is about Florida. Or Florida Man and Florida Woman. Maybe its the heat. Maybe its the humidity. Maybe its the red tide. Because people sure tend to behave differently down here than other parts of the nation.

So what is this Florida Man? I had never heard of him myself until about a year ago. According to knowyourmeme.com, the Florida Man meme has spawned a beer, a documentary, fan art and non-Florida derivatives such as Colombian Man and Shirtless Man. Here is the explanation, lightly edited:

Florida Man is a Twitter feed that curates news headline descriptions of bizarre domestic incidents involving a male subject residing in the state of Florida The tweets are meant to be humorously read as if they were perpetrated by a single individual dubbed the worlds worst superhero.

The @FloridaMan Twitter feed, which was launched on January 26, 2013, features news headlines containing the keywords Florida man. Within one month, the account garnered over sixty-four thousand followers. Whats more, according to Washington Post Magazine, a Florida Man Challenge went viral in March 2019. Millions did an Internet search for their birthdays and the term Florida Man and found legitimate news headlines for every day of the year. Headlines such as: Florida Man Steals $300 Worth of Sex Toys While Dressed as Ninja; Florida Man Drinks Goat Blood in Ritual Sacrifice, Runs for Senate. You get the picture?

As you can see, bizarre behavior abounds. I would hazard a guess that the temperature doesnt have as much to do with Florida Man as do the long hours of subtropical sunlight (experts note that crime seems to experience an uptick in the summer months), the live-and-let-live lifestyle, the diversity of people and cultures and the sheer size of this great state. In other words, its not the heat. Its the humanity.

Try not to groan; I have chosen not to include the most bizarre stories here, for the simple reason that the Florida men and women I met across the state were simply not bizarre. They were, in fact, as normal as you or me. (At least they were as normal as me!) Unbelievable Florida Man stories? Those could fill a dozen books, but I dont know how many people would relate to them or get a good idea of what Floridians are really like. Consider this, then, a mild (but still entertaining!) antidote to those crazy Florida Man stories.