DUTTON BOOKS An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC, New York
Copyright 2020 by Candice Iloh Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader. Dutton is a registered trademark of Penguin Random House LLC. Visit us online at penguinrandomhouse.com Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.
Ebook ISBN 9780525556213 This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the authors imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. Jacket illustration 2020 by Rachelle Baker Cover design by Maggie Edkins pid_prh_5.6.0_c0_r2 For all my wondering, questioning,and dreaming little sisters/sibs feeling your waythrough everything so you can be and do what you wantin this world. For the first-gen kids. For the young queers.For the dancers and wannabe dancers.
For the survivors.For all of us who needed to change our mind.For baby Me.
GRADUATION DAY
Just look at me
they got me out here wearing a dress heels makeup hope Mamas proud she sure does look like it looking at me and squealing like proud mamas do when their baby looks something like she came from them her squeals bounce from every wall of this hotel lobby her screams shake from her fragile body exploding like shes shocked by her own joy unsteady heels click against the tile toward the person she can say was the best thing she ever did with her life
Heres the scene: Im seventeen and graduating
from high school and this weekend I learn to juggle my father and his new wife are on their way to the Home of the Chicago Doves decked out, like theyre about to glide down the churchs red carpet him in his crispiest suit, her bulging from a flowered dress my baby brother dressed as Dads mini identical twin belted in the back seat of my fathers golden Toyota Camry is giddy knowing nothing about what day it is or how his big sister will survive it after picking up her own mommy keeping her seated somewhere she can fidget far from his side of the family
Mama fidgets
in my passenger seat more on edge than me maybe cause its been like five years since weve seen each other but she is here scoffs under her breath thinking, just like her this hoopty is proof of yet another thing I dont need shrugs away small thoughts not knowing Dad demanded I save and buy my first Camry myself sits and tugs at her lopsided wig pulls down the mirror reapplies bloodred lipstick smudges some on her cheeks with her fingers and I thank god knowing without this I may not recognize her
We pull into my high schools parking lot
for the last day I will ever have to smile at these people like I ever belonged here / for the ten minutes it takes Mama and me to get to the stands along the football field, a place she has never seen / I imagine the sounds of our heels to be / like a song we are for once dancing to together / today / Im not angry / at her slurred speech / Im not angry / at her missing teeth / Im not angry / at her fuss / Im not angry / that she looks nothing like / the last time I saw her / or that / I dont know when the next time will be / for the ten minutes it takes Mama and me to get to the stands along the football field / Im just happy were both here / alive
My name is Ada
but not really its what my fathers side calls me cause I was born
first and on this day Im only three months from leaving this place behind they tell me theres a big world out there and they tell me theres so much I can do and I know nothing but this city but my father but these schools where Ive always been one of few specks of dingy brown in a sea of perfect white but I know the bible and I know how to do the right things so how hard could college really be
How hard could it be to
- Find a dress that both Mama and Dad would like.
- Make sure the dress was loose enough to hide all my heavy.
- Put on heels I could stand for more than three hours.
- Pick Mama up in my own car.
- Get Mama to my soon-to-be old school.
- Run back and forth between Mama and Dad.
- Smile for every camera.
- Smile with Mama.
- Smile when Mama insists that she be the first, after its over, to have dinner with me.
Dad smiles for his final picture with me
loosening the awkward grip tightly held on the outside of my right arm his sharp signature cologne left to linger across my shoulders a scent just as strong as the bass in the shifting tone of his voice
proud of you, kidyou did good he says as if Id done my entire high school bid just now, all in one day
thanks, Dad I smile back, bashful warm under the way he looks at me on the days I do right standing back I look at the softness peeking through thick folds of my fathers face watch yet another attempt to pull his belted suit pants over the bottom of his round belly now at the end of a long day under the football field sun with beads of sweat faithfully dabbed across his widows peak by an old white cloth always tucked in his back pocket basking in the praise of his job well done
After the pictures are done
caught back and forth on opposite sides of the crowded field buzzing with families proud of children they dont really know we pull into the driveway as the sky surrounding Dads house is deepening toward black from gray Mama glances toward his front door and back toward the road behind us scared I think to place a hand on her trembling shoulder but settle for telling her
its okay, Mom tell her
well be a minute tell her
I just need to change tell her
theyre not home yetbut Dads house is my house tooMama looks back at me
wanting too much to see where I live but too proud to admit she needs my permission stares into the side of my face hungry for any scrap I might drop for her to catch reaches for my hand as I lift it just in time from the gear stick for her to miss shifting my foot from the brake pedal checking my phone for the time I tell Mama weve got thirty minutes before my father and that woman come home
Some kids grew up coming home
to the smell of mustard greens special recipe mac and cheese cornbread from scratch and cookies baking in the oven to the sound of their mama screamin at somebody on the tv getting on her nerves for the tenth time while she watches the same shows announcing to the whole house that
this will bethe last time I tripover a childs raggedy school shoes or telling them
you betterclean up that funky alleywaythat you like to callyour bedroom some kids grew up being asked about why their grades aint better than that and fussin over homework they need to do but my mama was different my mama just wasnt really the type
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