Nicole B. Tyndall - Coming Up for Air

Please, I need to see him. My throat is tight and the desperation in my voice hurts my ears, but I force the words out. I know what youre going to say, but, justplease?

The thirtysomething nurse standing in front of me in light blue scrubs answers patiently. Im sorry. His paperwork is clear. I cant let you back.

I feel like Im watching, listening, from far away. This woman is my total opposite. Shes calm and composed, and it makes the frustration inside me reach new heights. I want to yell, Im not hysterical! Which I realize will probably only make things worse. I force myself to stay quiet. To think before I speak.

I cant argue with her. Shes right. Its well after three in the morning. But I couldnt sleep. I couldnt stand not being here. And I guess I thought maybe the hospital operated by different rules in the middle of the night. Nighttime can have that kind of magic. Braden is the one who taught me that, but those are his tricks, not mine.

I take a deep breath. Can you justDoes it say my name, specifically? Does it say Hadley Butler? I look around as I ask, hoping I wont find any familiar faces.

Her expression, full of pity, cuts like a knife. It says no visitors.

None? None at all?

Just his parents.

Panic surges through me. I search the room. Are they here? Of course theyre here. Their teenage son is in the hospital, where else would they be?

Theyre resting in the med inn. Relief courses through me. I might get away with visiting without anybody knowing.

I look back up at the nurse. The hospital lights are harsh on her face, casting unforgiving shadows under her eyes and on her cheekbones. My fingers, hanging empty at my sides, long for the familiar weight of my camera. If I were to photograph her in this light, it would be easy to frame her as a villain: the Gatekeeper. But its not her fault, I remind myself. Shes not the bad guy.

Can you just tell me if hes stable?

I cant share medical information with anyone but family.

Is there anything you can do? I plead, my questions piling atop one another like bricks of an abandoned haunted house. I cant help it. Because if the tables were turned, Im positive that he would find a way to visit me. Rules have never meant much to Braden Roberts. But I did. Despite everything, I know that.

Hope drains from me when I meet her apologetic eyes.

I try one last thing. If I gave you a note, would you give it to him? I mean, I know he cant read it now. But itd be there for him, you know, when I trail off. Im not sure how to finish the sentence.

I feel at my pockets. Before I drove over here, I sat in my bedroom and frantically scribbled three different versions of a letter. One pathetically details how much I love him; another is an apology, long and rambling; and the shortest one is furious, cursing him for his weaknesscruel and unfair, maybe, but I meant every word. I was going to choose one in the moment, but, really, the only way to be honest would be to give him all three. I fish for them with my fingers.

The nurse sighs. II think you should probably just head home. Its late, and doesnt school start tomorrow?

How am I supposed to start senior year without him?

She doesnt wait for an answer, continuing, If youre looking for more information on Mr. Roberts

His name is Braden. And if he were awake, hed charm you into having all the visitors in the world.

She takes a long look at me before she says, If you want more information on Braden, I suggest you reach out to his parents. Ill make sure they know you were here.

I take a step backward. No. Um Shit. Shitshitshit. Its okay. Bradens mom made it perfectly clear that she did not want me here. She might even think Im the reason her son is in the hospital at all. And maybe I am, a small, scared voice whispers from the depths of my mind. I shake my head, gaze unfocused on my feet. No, its okay. I guessIll just go.

I can hardly believe that for all the ways I can claim Braden as my own, none of them will get me past those doors.

I walk away slowly, noting each step that takes me farther away from him, wondering how I will survive the wondering. Did he see it coming? Did he feel it, the moment he lost control? Was he afraid? But most of all: Is he going to be okay?

Hey, miss? Um, Hadley? Right? The nurses voice finds me down the hall, just before the exit.

As I turn, a small optimism sparks inside me. Yeah?

Hes eighteen, your boyfriend?

Ex-boyfriend. My voice cracks on the word. But yeah.

She nods. She knew his age; its on his chart. Her eyes are kind. Right now, its up to his parents. But as an adult, Braden can make the choice for himself, who he wants to seeonce hes able. If your behavior is any indicator She pauses. I bet hell contact you, when he can.