Eamon Evans - AFL Wit and Wisdom of the Players

Introduction

Football, they say, is a funny old game, but Ive never been entirely sure why.

Theres something a bit odd about it all, to be sure. Fully grown adults chasing a ball around a park, wearing short shorts and extremely long socks and stripes. Otherwise rational people paying good money to sit on cold plastic seats and yell instructions, abuse and God-knows-what-else to strangers without any expectation that theyll actually be heard.

And thats just for starters. If an alien race arrived on Earth, and made their way to the G, theyd be mystified by all manner of things which you and I now just meet with a shrug. The pies with sauce. The brown and gold stripes. The blokes with names like Dayne, Blaine and Sharrod. The carefully created banners that footballers crash through and rip to shreds. And how about the footballers who go on to have a media career where they can continue to wow us with their vast intelligence?

These are things that no rational person should accept.

Perhaps, then, we say that football is a funny old game because it is so full of such funny people? Of quick-witted wordsmiths who put Oscar Wilde to shame with their quips, sallies and urbane bon mots. Of japesters and pranksters and twinkly-eyed wags. Of gag merchants who deserve their own sitcom.

On first thought, that doesnt sound right. And on second thought, it sounds wrong as well. But I think you owe it to posterity to at least explore the theory or rather, you owe it to your local bookshop. This thing here may not contain much wit or indeed wisdom. But thats football. Its a funny old game.

Contents

Right, if there is going to be a brawl all in it. They cant report the lot of us.

JACK DYERS HABITUAL INSTRUCTIONS TO HIS TEAMMATES. THERES A REASON WHY HE WAS CALLED CAPTAIN BLOOD.

They run around like a dog chasing a Frisbee trying to pay every free kick thats ever been printed in the handbook.

SAM NEWMAN, OLD SCHOOL GEELONG PLAYER, TALKING ABOUT UMPIRES.

We had one football (growing up), which ended up twice the size of when we started. Dad used to kill animals on the farm to eat, wed pick the fat from round the kidneys and rub it on the footy to waterproof it.

DOUG WADE, NORTH MELBOURNE AND GEELONG FORWARD, AND GRADUATE OF THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS.

It was cramped (in the change rooms); half the side had to stand so the other half could sit. You brought all of the mud in onto the floor and the showers inevitably didnt work. It was a half-warm shower if you were lucky.

FITZROYS HARVEY MERRIGAN ON THE DIRE CONDITIONS OF FACILITIES BACK IN THE DAY.

The players of today are spoonfed. They want everything done for them. They squabble over money. They wont buy a bootlace for themselves.

SELF-SUFFICIENT GEELONG STAR, PETER BURNS WRITING IN 1940.

His nickname for me was autumn leaves because I was always falling to the ground. He told me you never get the ball lying on the ground.

RICHMONDS ALAN BULL RICHARDSONS SAGE ADVICE TO HIS SON, RICHMONDS MATTHEW RICHARDSON.

I remember playing at fullback and getting spat on and belted with umbrellas from behind the goals when you had to go and pick the ball up.

BULLDOG IAN MORRISON REMEMBERS THE GOOD OLD DAYS, BACK IN VICTORIA PARK.

If we were playing at Essendon, we couldnt drive our cars there because we knew they would get wrecked. So, the team always took buses.

HAWTHORNS COLIN ROBERTSON RECALLS A SIMILAR KIND OF HOSPITALITY AT WINDY HILL.

I couldnt get a kick (in the game) so I gave a few blokes some bruises.

ESSENDONS RON ANDREWS WAS A REASONABLE MAN.

Its got to be a do-or-die effort.

TED WHITTEN TO HIS PLAYERS AS CAPTAINCOACH IN HIS LAST GAME WITH FOOTSCRAY.

Reg Hickey was a Catholic and 90 per cent of them were. It was like a church down there back then. Father Brosnan would come down with three or four priests (into the room on match days). It was that sort of atmosphere.

GEORGE GONINON WAS DROPPED FROM GEELONGS 1953 GRAND FINAL SIDE BECAUSE HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR.

My dentures came out. I caught them on the run, put them back in my mouth and gave off a smile it didnt go unnoticed.

RON BARASSIS MARKING SKILLS MADE HEADLINES IN THE 1967 FINALS.

Hes so slow he couldnt catch Humphrey B Bear. And of course, Sensational, but getting better was his favourite.

KEVIN BARTLETT RECALLING HIS COACH TOM HAFEYS FAVOURITE LINES. HE DIDNT SAY WHO HAFEY WAS REFERRING TO.

(Coach Tommy) Hafey told me once, Whatever you do, dont get involved in this handball craze. Itll never last. And I always did as the coach told me.

YES HE DID. KEVIN BARTLETTS 403 GAMES FOR RICHMOND FEATURED JUST THE ONE HANDBALL.

It didnt pay to report injured. If you did, hed give you 20 laps to run out the soreness.

PETER PERCY JONES ON HIS KINDLY CARLTON COACH ALEX JESAULENKO.

It shows you how much football has changed if we were playing in Geelong I got picked up at 11am, wed come past the Elaine pub, stop there and have a nice three-course lunch and then come on and play.

GEELONGS BOB DAVIS ON HOW IT USED TO BE.

Jack (Hale, the coach) wanted me to play with a broken arm, so thats what I did. Admittedly, they had to take me off at three-quarter time.

HAWTHORNS JOHN KENNEDY SNR.

He got to such heights that I called him The Pontiff, because the Pontiff (the head of the Catholic church) couldnt possibly do what he could do.

REX HUNT RECALLING GEELONGS GARY ABLETT SNRS EXTRAORDINARY SKILLS.

I was tackling a bloke from front on and just as I got there, he raised his elbow The trainer came out, we looked for the teeth, couldnt find them, so, meh, I kept on playing.

RICHMONDS HAVEL ROWE.

I was knocked out at Glenferrie but they couldnt find a stretcher so I stayed on the ground.

SWAN BOBBY SKILTON SHOULD HAVE FOUND A LAWYER.

Shorts, mediums and talls crikey, theyre making it sound like Myers lingerie department.

COLLINGWOODS LOU RICHARDS DIDNT LIKE THE AMERICANISMS CREEPING INTO THE MODERN GAME.

Hes like an old football boot all tongue and no wear.

BULLDOGS GREAT CHARLIE SUTTON ON COLLINGWOODS LOU RICHARDS.

That night he said, Come on, Billy, lets have a spar, so I got the gear off and was waiting for him in the spa!