Marc Hartzman - God Made Me Do It: True Stories of the Worst Advice the Lord Has Ever Given His Followers

Copyright 2010 by Marc Hartzman

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hartzman, Marc.

God made me do it : true stories of the worst advice the Lord has ever given his followers / Marc Hartzman.

p. cm.

1. GodHumor. 2. Religious adherentsHumor. I. Title.

PN6231.R4H37 2010

818.602--dc22

2009039306

Printed and bound in the United States of America.

VP 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

For Lela and Scarlett
God, youve said some wacky things, but youve been good to me.

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

In the tradition of many of the worlds greatest athletes, I have to thank God, first and foremost, for making this book possible. He gave us life and some very interesting ways to live it. Now, on to the mortals: Katie Boyle, my agent, whose excitement from the beginning of this project put the wheels in motion and whose advice along the way kept it well on track; Peter Lynch, my editor, who listened to the Lord when He told him to publish this book, thank you for all your wonderful enthusiasm, guidance, and helpful suggestions; Brenda Horrigan, my copyeditor, Chris Stolle, my proofreader, and Anne Hartman, whose omniscience gave polish to my text and simply made this a better book; Kelly Bale for her work in securing all the images; Harrod Blank, Theresa Zelasko, Tammy Cromer-Campbell, Sam and Bonnie Steger for their photography contributions; Aric Cheston, Jon Cochran, Erik Contzius, Paul and Beverly Hartzman, Peter Mendez, Anthony Monahan, Maggie Morris, Greg Valvano, and Buck Wolf for their help and support; Mom and Dad for introducing me to God with a snip on my eighth day of life; Lela and Scarlett for being the two best girls a daddy could ever hope for; and finally, my wonderful wife Liz for her photography and her patience, support, and love.

OPENING SERMON

It is my profound honor to offer this book to you, the reader, and esteemed brethren everywhere. For it was I who was chosen to deliver it, not any one of the other several billion people milling about this wondrous planet. Whether it was through the greatest eenie-meenie-miny-moe the world has ever known or a well-informed divine decision, the Lord tapped me for this book.

It all began one partly cloudy evening when a healthy patch of shrubbery spontaneously burst into flames in my vicinity. I instinctively began to run from it, fearing for my own safety, but as I took that first step, I heard a deep, booming voice call my name. I immediately knew it wasnt James Earl Jones; wed never met and he, too, wouldve fled from the horrific inferno.

It was God.

There He stood aglow, majestically adorned in a freshly ironed white tunic with His wavy, snowlike hair and long, flowing beard fluttering in a glorious breeze. The accuracy of Gods numerous portrait artists over the years was simply uncanny.

With the heat blazing in my face, I dripped in sweat as God and I began our chat:

GOD:Marc, I am the Lord your God, and I command thee to write a book! A book documenting my more recent conversations with my children of the worldmy political leaders, my overpaid athletes, my murderers, my preachers, my bumpkins, and whoever elses ears Ive whispered into. Spread the Lords lesser-known and most outlandish words unto all who will listen.

MH:Is this burning bush really necessary? You know arson is illegal. Weve come a long way since Moses.

GOD:This is exactly the point this book needs to make. Listen carefully, little man: Almighty as I am, supreme as I may be, I screw up now and then. Ive got 6,706,993,152 people to look after and even more prayers to listen to. Ive got heaven to manage, new creations to ponder, and that pesky Satan to thwart. Im busy as hell. So sometimes, every here and there, I say things that might be regrettable.

MH:So youre making excuses?

GOD:Do you have any idea what a typical Sunday is like? Congregations from every corner of the Earth talking at once, starving people across the continents begging me for food, shouts from every hospital sick bed, and millions of fist-pumping shmohawks yammering on about their football team needing to win. And what makes you peoplethink Earth is the only planet Im in charge of? Im a tug-of-war being yanked from infinite ends.

MH:But youre omnipotent. And, I might add, omnipresent.

GOD:Im exactly what people define me as. Right now, Im what you want me to be. In fact, are you really sure Im even talking to you? Will anyone believe you? What will you say when the fire department arrives and youre charged with second-degree arson? You can speak to me every day, and no one will question you. But the moment you let someone know I answered, someone will offer you medication and an insulting smirk. Everyone wants to think an all-powerful being cant speak. Now, skedaddleI hear sirens. Write the book, sell a million copies, and buy yourself something nice. Like I said, I command thee. And now I must go; there are sneezes I need to bless. Toodles!

MH:Wait! Quick questionif you created everything, who created you? Who?!?

GOD:[Drifting toward the heavens, offering a thumbs-up]

MH:Goddamn it!

This book is my response to that remarkable conversation. Carrying out Gods will took me on a wondrous journey through the past hundred-plus years. I scoured newspaper archives, dug through the vast information landfill of the Internet, combed through photo collections, visited and called local libraries, chatted with a documentary filmmaker and a weird news specialist, and climbed Mount Sinai a couple times.

With my mission accomplished and this book in your hands, you will see that God sometimes works in very mysterious and unpleasant ways. Youll find that He is excessively in the details, busying Himself with such tasks as perfecting caramel corn recipes and managing minor league baseball games. And youll discover why things like world hunger have been on the Lords back burner.

Of course, there are those who simply throw God under the bus as their handy scapegoat and then there are those who just arent playing with a full deck or even a single card. As a result, the phrase God told me to has become the worlds most overused and worst excuse for poor judgment, horrendous acts, and pure nonsense. Its a phrase thats dictated presidential policies, led to the murder of loved ones, set off deadly hunger strikes, encouraged cannibalism, provoked self-mutilation, caused the exhuming of corpses, spawned community relocations, and, for those whove heard all the aforementioned and more, led to the belief that theres no reason to believe. While Gods wordsor at least the idea of His wordshas certainly helped and inspired many, as these pages will sometimes show, the world would be a better place if the Lord kept His words to Himself.