Ken Abraham - When Your Parent Becomes Your Child: A Journey of Faith Through My Mothers Dementia

Praise for
When Your Parent
Becomes Your Child

Extraordinarily moving and triumphantKen has given us an inspiring and informative account, laced with humor and a thoughtful message about human dignity, belief in God, and love for the people who have sacrificed so much for us.

SENATOR BOB DOLE

With Americas Baby Boomers just now hitting retirement age, more American families than ever are finding themselves stuck in the unexpected position of having to parent their parents. This creates a world of emotional and physical challenges that most people havent considered, but are probably walking right into. In When Your ParentBecomes Your Child, Ken Abraham opens up about his own journey with his mother and helps us get a sense of what to expect. Its a must-read for anyone with parents over sixty.

DAVE RAMSEY, NewYork Times best-selling author and nationally syndicated radio host

I love Kens heart, as well as his writing, and I love how poignantly he addresses this delicate subject of caring for aging loved ones. As individuals live longer, families need long-term support navigating the joys and challenges that come with loving each other for the long haul. Keep this resource close. It is a treasure.

BILL GAITHER, ASCAP Gospel Songwriter of the Century

I have counseled many families that have taken this emotional journey. Each one has a story to tell and Ken has captured their hopes and fears through his words. His honesty of denial through acceptance is courageous. It will certainly be an inspiration to others going through the progression of this disease that robs not just the person but those that love them of lifes memories.

STEPHEN J. DAMICO, MD, CMD

Kens thoughtful and transparent approach to this very difficult subject will give understanding and hope to many.

DAN MILLER, bestselling author of 48 Daysto the Work You Love

Abraham, a good storyteller, makes incidents of his familys journey come alive, and the book is immensely readable.... Abraham has chosen to engage readers with a vivid account that many can relate to. He offers an honest message of sympathy, solidarity, and faith that can be used in trying circumstances.

Publishers Weekly

2012 by Ken Abraham

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meanselectronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, scanning, or otherexcept for brief quotations in critical reviews or articles, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Thomas Nelson. Thomas Nelson is a registered trademark of Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Published in association with the literary agency of Mark Sweeney & Associates, Bonita Springs, Florida 34135.

Thomas Nelson, Inc., titles may be purchased in bulk for educational, business, fundraising, or sales promotional use. For information, please e-mail SpecialMarkets@ThomasNelson.com.

Lyrics:

What a Day That Will Be, Words and Music by Jim Hill 1955, renewed by Ben L. Speer. All right reserved and controlled by Ben Speer Music. Used by permission.

Victory in Jesus, E.M. Bartlett 1939 by E.M. Bartlett. renewed 1966 by Mrs.
E.M. Bartlett. Assigned to Albert E. Brumley & Sons/SESAC (admin. ClearBox Rights).
All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Sweet, Sweet Spirit, Doris Akers 1962, Renewed 1990. Manna Music, Inc. ASCAP (admin. ClearBox Rights). All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Abraham, Ken.

When your parent becomes your child / by Ken Abraham.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references.

ISBN 978-0-8499-4727-8 (trade paper)

1. DementiaPatientsCare. 2. Alzheimers disease. 3. DementiaPatientsFamily relationships. 4. DementiaReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.

RC521.A27 2012

362.196'83dc23

012020383

Printed in the United States of America

12 13 14 15 16 17 QG 6 5 4 3 2 1

CONTENTS

Minnie... before dementia stole her freedom.

Chapter 1
THE MEN IN
WHITE SUITS

H ow is it possible to lose a loved one while he or she is still living, still sitting right in front of you, talking with you, smiling at youand yet the person you have known and loved for years is somehow gone? You observe the subtle quirks and idiosyncrasies that are occurring with ever-increasing frequency, yet you are oblivious to the truththat you are not dealing with the obstinacies or unintentional offenses of an elderly person; you are facing a devastating disease and possess few tools with which to fight it.

Others noticed the changes in my mom before I did. Dave Saunders, a friend who attends the same church as our family, observed Mom shuffling across the atrium toward the main sanctuary. Did something happen to your mom?

No, what do you mean?

She seems to be moving much more slowly than when she was here visiting the last time, Dave observed.

Yeah, shes slowing down a step or two, I agreed. I hadnt really noticed the difference that much since it was such a gradual process, but others who had not been around Mom could tell that she had changed. That was my first clue that something wasnt right.

Moms demeanor should have piqued my suspicions after the thirteenth phone callall in the same morningbut I was oblivious to her true condition. She didnt really need anything; she just wanted to say hello, which she had done in calls number one, two, and three, none of which she remembered dialing. The remaining calls were more of the same, all recorded on my voice mail.

Ken, this is Mom. Just wanted to let you know that I had a good breakfast. Bacon and eggs, toast, and prunes. Lots of prunes.

Oh, thats great, Mom. Im glad you are eating well.

The second call was identical to the first, and the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth calls brought little variation. My brothers had warned me, but I had steadfastly resisted the idea that my mother, now eighty-five years of age in 2007, was not as mentally alert as she had always been. Oh, sure, I had seen signs, but had chosen to interpret them as merely her quirky way of doing things. I hadnt lived near my mom for more than twenty years, so her idiosyncrasies and peccadilloes seemed more humorous than irritating to me.

Id noticed some paranoia whenever shed visit us from Orlando, but I always shrugged off her fretting as simply the fearsreal and imaginedof an elderly person who was in a strange environment.

One night, around midnight, she called out for me. Ken, theres a man standing down at the front of the driveway.

Wah... huh? I was half asleep. No, Mom, theres nobody out there. Go back to bed.

Hes right there, Ken. I can see him, plain as day!

I got out of bed and went to the window, not really expecting to see anything, but willing to check anyhow. I peered out the window into the darkness. Nothing. Theres nobody there, Mom. Go to sleep.