This is that: Travel Guide to Canada

C O NGRATULATIONS! BY opening this book you have made the decision to travel Canada! What great news!

Since 2010, This Is That has been telling stories on CBC Radio about the people and places that make up this unbelievable country. Which is why we felt it was our national responsibility to share with the world our deep knowledge and unabashed passion for this great land that we not only call home, but have reported on so accurately over the years.

From Tofino to Twillingate, Canada is chock full of places. In fact, according to the latest census, Canada has over one trillion places, including cities, towns, brooks, sounds, nooks, crannies, gullies, gulfs, wharfs, islands, inlets, peninsulas, piazzas, promenades, coves, caves, cliffs, graves, bluffs, burghs, burrows, burbs, forests, foreclosures, fortresses, lakes, and malls.

So whether its pleasure or leisure that brings you to Canada, let us be your dependable travel companions as you discover the majesty of what the Internet calls One of North Americas Top Three Must-Visit Nations.

This guide aims to help those unaccustomed to life in Canada. From how we move our bodies in an athletic sense to how we move our bodies in a transportation sense; from how we like to match our tattoos with our personalized licence plates to how we pronounce the word smoothiethis book will have you feeling like an oyster trapper (regional slang for local resident) or a potash pugger (more regional slang for local resident) in no time.

They dont got anything that Minnesota dont.

LADY FROM MINNESOTA

In writing this guide we never took for granted the great responsibility that comes with holding someones vacation in the palm of our hands. We set out to write the most thorough, comprehensive, and accurate travel guide ever published about Canada. After reading this book, we believe youll agreewe tried.

From all of us at This Is That, thank you for buying this book, please enjoy it, and finally, sorry (were contractually obligated to apologize in this introduction). It is our true hope that you will read this book, share it, then deliver it to its final resting place at a summer cabin or cottage outhouse, where it can be enjoyed by generations to come.

So with that, dont just stand there... Canada awaits!

When in doubt, the Wi-Fi password is always: ohcanada1967

WEATHER TRANSPORTATION CUSTOMS BAGGAGE EMERGENCIES CURRENCY POLITICS HISTORY

C L ASSIFIED BY THE rest of the world as a country, Canada stretches from the U.S. in the south to the Ice Pole in the north. Surrounded by almost all of the worlds oceans, it has long been considered ye olde top hat of the isle of North America.

Canada is divided into four distinct regions: Over There, Down There, Up There, and Nowhere. Visitors to Canada will often think they are Nowhere when in fact they may be Over There or, more likely, Up There. Each region looks and feels different, with its own style of architecture, its own characteristic foods, and its own type of swearing.

Although Canada is filled with vibrant cities, including the metropoli of Hamilton, Regina, St. Albert, Drummondville, and Duncan, it is predominantly a rural country. The influence of the land echoes throughout Canadian culture, revealing itself in national legislation which requires every citizen own boots. Perhaps the most astonishing feature of the country is its obscene amount of vast space. From huge tracts of undeveloped land littered with interminable trees to unfathomable expanses with nothing in sight, Canada is an agoraphobics worst nightmare.

Research indicates that Ottawa is the official capital of Canada, but most residents use Baker Lake, Nunavutthe exact centre of the countryas their primary place of congregation.

In all this vastness, there are endless types of trips to take in Canada: you could visit a city, a region, a river, a drive-through, or a 50-year-old church.

Before coming to Canada, it is important to ask yourself what you want to get from the visit. Its also important that you have an exit strategy. Many visitors wooed by Canadas charms have found it next to impossible to leave.

If you ask the average Canadian why you should visit Canada, theyd likely say, I dunno. The only thing Id wanna do is maybe go skiing? Niagara Falls? Or maybe take the train from Banff to Vancouver?

If youre looking to take a romantic trip, consider France. Its full of spots for kissing. Got kids? There are a dozen Disney parks around the world, and none of them are in Canada. If you want fun in the sun, Canada has beaches, but theyre not beach beaches.

Sometimes you see a person win a trip to Canada on Wheel of Fortune, and they kinda shrug and say, I guess. Thats what your reaction to the country will be if you dont make sure you know what you want from your trip.

There is positively no reason to visit Canada during the winter months. Canadians dont even visit one another then. This means that as a visitor, your travel period is limited to the month of summer.

I was surprised to find out it was a real country, with real things to do.

AN AMERICAN TRAVELLER

Beyond that, the single most important factor in deciding when to visit Canada is the bug schedule. Its crucial to recognize that, for three weeks, the entire country is ravaged by either mosquitoes or blackflies. Some have even told of an insect with the face of a hornet and the body of a domesticated turkey. This makes the ideal window for a trip somewhere between July 28th and August 9th.

Be warned: This is also when Canadians take their holidays. Although the country does not close down entirely during this period, a general apathy sets in and a laissez-faire cloud hangs over all regions. If you stick to this time frame, however, weather conditions should be ideal, except in the city of Toronto, where merciless heat and humidity can drive you into madness.

So if you want to join me for a while

Just grab your hat, come travel lightthats hobo style.

Maybe tomorrow, Ill want to settle down,

Until tomorrow, Ill just keep moving on.

EARLY CANADIAN HYMN

Whether you are travelling by air, sea, rail, or road, prices increasingly depend on which of the travel websites owned by the same company you use. Most discount sites offer great fares, but after taxes and surcharges are added, you can expect to pay full price.

We quite enjoyed the really flat part in the middle of the country. Watching our dog run away for miles was a thrill.

KING LUIS OF SPAIN

• By Air

  Canadas airports are a cinch to navigate. Its as easy as landing in YYJ , transferring to YYG , and getting a connecting flight through YYC , then landing in YYZ . If you end up in YEG , YVR , YUL , YGE , YOF , or YIK , a local airport representative should be able to tell you why (or Y).