V. L. McDermid - Star Struck

Bodyguarding had never made it to Manchester PI Kate Brannigans wish list. But somebodys got to pay the bills at Brannigan & Co, and if the only earner on offer is playing nursemaid to a paranoid soap star, the fast-talking computer-loving white-collar crime expert has to swallow her pride and slip into something more glam than her Thai boxing kit.

Soon, however, offstage dramas overshadow the fictional storylines, culminating in the unscripted murder of the self-styled Seer to the Stars, and Kate finds herself with more questions than answers. Whats more, her tame hacker has found virtual love, her process server keeps getting arrested, and the ever-reliable Dennis has had the temerity to get himself charged with murder.

Nobody told her thered be days like these

I was a journalist for many years on a newspaper that became increasingly obsessed with the world of soaps. As a result, I have forgotten more than any respectable person would want to know about the private lives of many household names. Nevertheless, the fictional soap Northerners and its cast are entirely creatures of my imagination. Any resemblances to the real or fictional characters of any actual regular drama series are entirely coincidental and purely accidental. Besides, Im not worth suing.

The legal advice came from Brigid Baillie, Jai Penna and Paula Tyler; any errors are either deliberate mistakes for dramatic effect, or just plain stupidity. Jennifer Paul also provided crucial information, in exchange for which I promise never to tell the story about the golden retriever.

Thanks too to my agents Jane Gregory and Lisanne Radice and my editors Julia Wisdom and Karen Godfrey who, because of the wonders of e-mail, were able to shower me with queries the length and breadth of three continents.

Extract from the computer database of Dorothea Dawson, Seer to the Stars
Written in the Stars for Kate Brannigan, private investigator.
Born Oxford, UK, 4th September 1966.
Sun in Virgo in the Fifth House
Moon in Taurus in the Twelfth House
Mercury in Virgo in the Fifth House
Venus in Leo in the Fourth House
Mars in Leo in the Fourth House
Jupiter in Cancer in the Third House
Saturn retrograde in Pisces in the Eleventh House
Uranus in Virgo in the Fifth House
Neptune in Scorpio in the Sixth House
Pluto in Virgo in the Fifth House
Chiron in Pisces in the Eleventh House
Ascendant Sign: GeminiSUN IN VIRGO IN THE 5TH HOUSE
On the positive side, can be ingenious, verbally skilled, diplomatic, tidy, methodical, discerning and dutiful. The negatives are fussiness, a critical manner, an obsessive attention to detail and a lack of self-confidence that can disguise itself as arrogance. In the 5th House, it indicates a player of games.
From Written in the Stars, by Dorothea Dawson

My client was about to get a resounding smack in the mouth. I watched helplessly from the other side of the street. My adrenaline was pumping, but there was no way I could have made it to her side in time. Thats the trouble with bodyguarding jobs. Even if you surround the client with a phalanx of Rutger Hauer clones and Jean Van Damme wannabes in bulletproof vests, the moment always comes when theyre vulnerable. And guess who always gets the blame? Thats why, when people come looking for a minder, the house rule at Brannigan & Co: Investigations & Security states, We dont do that.

But Christmas was coming and the goose was anorexic. Business had been as slow as a post office queue and even staff as unorthodox as mine expect to be paid on time. Besides, I deserved a festive bonus myself. Eating, for example. So Id sent my better judgment on an early Yuletide break and agreed to take on a client whod turned out to be more accident prone than Coco the Clown.

For once, it wasnt my fault that the client was in the front line. Id had no say in what was happening out there on the street. If Id wanted to stop it, I couldnt have. So, absolved from action for once, I stood with my hands in my pockets and watched Carla Hardcastles arm swing round in a fearsome arc to deliver a cracking wallop that wiped the complacent smirk off Brenda

And cut, the director said. Very nice, girls, but Id like it one more time. Gloria, loved that smug little smile, but can you lose it at the point where you realize shes actually going to thump you? And let us see some outrage?

My client gave a forbearing smile that was about as sincere as a beggar asking for tea money. Whatever you say, Helen, chuck, she rasped in the voice that thrilled the nation three times a week as we shoveled down our microwave dinners in front of Manchesters principal contribution to the world of soap. Then she turned to me with an exaggerated wink and called, Youre all right, chuck, its only make believe.

Everyone turned to stare at me. I managed to grin while clenching my teeth. Its a talent that comes in very handy in the private-eye business. Its having to deal with unscrupulous idiots that does it. And thats just the clients.

Thats my bodyguard, Gloria Kendalalias Brenda Barrowcloughannounced to the entire cast and crew of Northerners.

Wed all worked out it wasnt your body double, the actress playing Carla said, apparently as sour in life as the character she played in the human drama that had wowed British audiences for the best part of twenty years.

Lets hope you only get attacked by midgets, Teddy Edwards added. Hed once been a stand-up comedian on the working mens club circuit, but hed clearly been playing Glorias screen husband for so long that hed lost any comic talent hed ever possessed. I might only be five feet three in my socks, but I wouldnt have needed to use too many of my Thai-boxing skills to bring a lump of lard like him to his knees. I gave him the hard stare and Im petty enough to admit I enjoyed it when he cleared his throat and looked away.

All right, settle down, the director called. Places, please, and lets take it again from the top of the scene.

Can we have a bit of hush back there? someone else added. I wondered what his job title was and how long Id have to hang around the TV studios before I worked out who did what in a hierarchy that included best boys, gaffers and too many gofers to

It hadnt started out that way. When Gloria had swanned into our office, Id known straight off it wasnt going to be a routine case. At Brannigan & Co, the private investigation firm that I run, we cover a wide spectrum of work. Previously, when Id been in partnership with Bill Mortensen, wed mostly investigated whitecollar fraud, computer security, industrial espionage and sabotage, with a bit of miscellaneous meddling that friends occasionally dropped in our laps. Now Bill had moved to Australia, Id had to cast my net wider to survive. Id clawed back some process-serving from a handful of law firms, added surveillance to the letterheading and canvassed insurance companies for work exposing fraudulent claims. Even so, Gloria Kendals arrival in our front office signalled something well out of the ordinary.