Graeme Hall - All Dogs Great and Small: What Ive learned training dogs

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First published by Ebury Press in 2021

Copyright Graeme Hall 2021

The moral right of the author has been asserted

The information in this book has been compiled as general guidance on dog training. It is not a substitute and not to be relied on for professional advice. So far as the author is aware the information given is correct and up to date as at 21.12.2020. The author and publishers disclaim, as far as the law allows, any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use, or misuse, of the information contained in this book.

Cover design by Two Associates

ISBN: 978-1-473-58166-1

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For Axel and Gordon, without whom none of this would have happened

This book is a work of non-fiction based on the life, experiences and recollections of the author. In some cases names of people, places, dates, sequences and the detail of events have been changed to protect the privacy of others

I had a busy morning on the farm, pregnancy testing cows with my arm in the place where most farm vets put them if we dont know what else to do. As we worked our way through the herd, Eric, the farmer, related a strange problem about his adolescent springer spaniel. It was a problem the likes of which I had never come across before. He explained the situation, I think looking for a solution.

My new dog has a strange problem. I dont know what to do and its getting rather embarrassing. Every time the telephone rings, he ejaculates all over the kitchen floor. Any ideas what might be going on in his head? What do you think I can do? Its not normal, is it? Have you ever heard of this sort of thing before? He emphasised one word with unnecessary vigour.

After I had pulled my arm out of the cow and picked myself up from the floor, having collapsed with laughter, I regained my composure and a small degree of professionalism.

Well, Eric, Ive never heard of that before, I confessed, between chortles. Eric was not so amused, because it was getting to become a messy problem, as well as an embarrassing one. Maybe you should change your ringtone? was the only advice I could give.

As vets, we often see dogs and sometimes cats, rabbits and ferrets with behavioural issues. Some are funny, like Erics spaniel, but some are really serious, causing anxiety to the canine and concern to the owner. Many of these problems are deep-seated and complicated and not easily investigated by X-rays or blood tests; harder to cure than a deep-seated skin infection or a disease of the prostate gland. Even a broken bone or a torn ligament has the chance of a once-only surgical repair. We must remember that dogs are both pets fully assimilated into the family of humans and an integral part of the pack but also reasonably primitive beings, not a million miles away from a wolf. My first dog, Paddy the border terrier, who was cuter than any other dog Ive enjoyed the company of, quickly reverted to his inner wolf when he got smell of a deer or hare. He was fired with adrenaline, but even with this and powered by the red mist, his little legs stood no chance of ever catching his quarry.

So, the job of adjusting, balancing and juggling the complicated canine brain, which strives to advance itself to match the rest of its pack on the one hand and yet is obsessed by pheromones and anal scents on the other, is beset on both sides by conflicting inequities. I do not envy the challenges that Graeme is faced with each day.

I felt privileged to have been asked to write this foreword. Graeme and I have lots in common. We are both from Yorkshire; we have both found an unlikely home on Channel 5, a home where we can both share our love and work with anyone who cares to watch; we both earn our living by working with animals, which is a privilege in itself. The circumstances of our first meeting (and how we came to talk about me doing the foreword to this book) were unusual. In London, at Television Centre, Wood Lane, one damp day in February, we met outside the green room. I had just appeared with Holly and Phil on This Morning to promote my most recent book: A Yorkshire VetThe Next Chapter, the fifth in a line, which represented my latest obsession. Graeme had been promoting the next series of his popular show. I think his animals had behaved on set (well, they would, I suppose). Mine had not. Peter the alpaca had taken an instant dislike to the presenters. Holly panicked and hid behind the sofa, as she is prone to doing, and Phillip received a face-full of alpaca spit. Luckily, the arrival of a vet who is familiar with the curious camelids quickly restored order.

After our respective scintillating appearances on the award-winning daytime show, we were both buzzing with the after-effects of adrenaline and chatted in front of the big screen where publicity photos are taken. Generally, this is the place for taking Instagram snaps, but we both found it hilarious and ridiculous in equal measure. At one point, Lorraine Kelly walked past, on her way to presenting her own award-winning show and said good morning to both of us, just as if we were her best friends and it was completely normal to meet Graeme and Julian on a Thursday morning outside the green room. Ive been in a few green rooms over recent years and, when talking about them, I always feel compelled to explain that they are not green at all. They are just like normal rooms and there is nothing green or special about them.

But thats fine, because there is no reason why these rooms should be special. Because in fact, they are not filled with megastars or divas. Most of the time they are filled with normal people, doing pretty normal things, who just happen to be on telly. Like Graeme and me. Normal people, doing normal things but with interesting creatures as our subjects. This book explores a career working with amazing animals and its an insight into Graemes unlikely insertion into the world of telly. Its an interesting read and a journey with which I can entirely empathise. I hope you enjoy it.

Julian Norton, vet, Yorkshire Vet, author of vet books

If, 15 years ago, you had told me Id be sitting down to begin writing a book about dogs, Id have laughed: what I knew about dogs could have been written on the back of a postage stamp. After all, I was 40 before I even had a dog of my own.