Don Rickles - Rickles Letters

DON RICKLES
with David Ritz

Simon & Schuster 1230 Avenue of the Americas New York, NY 10020 www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 2008 by Wynnefield Productions, Inc. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020. First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition November 2008 SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc. For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-800-456-6798 or business@simonandschuster.com. Designed by Ruth Lee-Mui Manufactured in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Rickles, Don.

Rickles letters / Don Rickles with David Ritz. p. cm. 1. LettersHumor. I.

Ritz, David. II. Title. PN6231.L44R53 2008 808.8693dc22 2008036272 ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-9663-9 ISBN-10: 1-4165-9663-1
eISBN-13: 978-1-4391-4921-8

For my Barbara.You made it happen.and David and I thank you.From the desk of Don Rickles Hi gang, Just when I was ready to tear up my high school library card, here I am trying to write a new book. Unlike my first one, Rickles Book, this one isnt fact. On the other hand, I wouldnt exactly call it fiction.

Truth is, I dont know what to call it. So Im calling it Rickles Letters. Okay, so I havent mailed any of emgo tell it to the FBI. Theyre just crazy letters that let me express myself. After all, Im an artist. Besides, Im in my eighties, so what can they do to me? Take away my milk and cookies? What else do I have to do except write letters? How many Indian casinos can you play in one year? How many Dodgers games can one man watch? I gotta entertain myself and, in the process, I hope to entertain you. Example: I enjoy writing kidnap letters to myself, then letting the cops figure out whos missing.

I want to reach out and write to my close friendsas in the ones who send me a card every New Years to see if Im still alive. I also want to reach people who arent so crazy about meas in the ones whove seen my act and didnt bother to applaud. I want to get more involved in American history. Like, Dear Mrs. Lincoln, Sorry the show at Fords Theatre didnt go well last night. But could you get me a couple of aisle seats for the Saturday matinee? I want to write to a lot of the stars Ive known over the years, so they wont forget how I contributed to their success, and ask them to leave me something before they dielike their estates.

One last thing: None of these letters were written on a computer. Ive been writing letters since before they put erasers on pencilsand thats still good enough for me. Im grabbing my yellow pad and getting started. So start reading. Fasten your seat belt.

Mr.Mr.

Kirk Douglas
Beverly Hills, California Dear Kirk, Kirk, Kirk, Kirk. Mister Energy Douglas. What a career youve had. The Bad and the Beautiful. Champion. Lust for Life.

Paths of Glory. Gunfight at the O.K. Corral. The list goes on. The movies youve made with Burt Lancaster. You had real class, Kirk, even though you and Burt had to fight over the billing. You know the thing I remember about you the most though, Kirk? When you stood on a rock on the beach in Malibu and asked me what I thought of your great body.

Thats when I realized: You thought you really were Spartacus. To be honest, you just looked like a guy in a really tight bathing suit. But then you started running up and down the beach, shouting, Follow me, men! The ships are coming! Kirk, thats when I thought that maybe you were starting to lose it. But how can I forget all the great women you have made love tofrom Ava Gardner to Sylvia Schwartz Oh, sorry, Kirk. Sylvia was a waitress in Buffalo, the one who did the glass and water trick. Your friend, P.S.Does Michael really think hes taller than you? Michael Douglas
The Douglas Compound, Bermuda Dear Michael, Everyone in LA wishes you would come backthere hasnt been a good cop show in years, and somebody needs to go out to the beach to tell your dad hes not Spartacus.

Sincerely, Mr. Potato Head
Pixar Animation Studios
Burbank, California Dear Mr. P.H., What is it with you? You really think youre something special? Ill give you special. Look in the mirroryoure a half-baked spud! Without my voice, youre through! Washed up and back in the ground in Idaho! Let me tell you something: I was doing Toy Story when you were still trying to upstage bacon and sour cream. You really steam me, Mister, thinking youre bigger than Rickles. Remember, one phone call to the Boys and youre buried at the bottom of the salad bar.

Either that, or somebody cuts your cords during the Macys parade and you end up in some deli on Broadway for lunch. In closing, just keep the kids happy. Otherwise, you could end up a potato pancake with no breathing room. In the meantime, go oil your equipment: nose, hat, ears you know, the works. Its almost time for the next movie and the folks at Disney are worried that your eyes are coming loose. Yours truly, Martin Scorsese
New York, New York Hello Marty, I just wanted to tell you how much I cherished the opportunity to work with a legendary master-genius such as yourself.

Hang on a minutewith all these compliments, I think Im gonna throw up. Anyone could have played pit boss Billy Sherbert in Casino, but you chose me. Tell the truth, Martyit was the short money and I had no dialogue. What a thrill to be standing next to the great Robert De Niro, though, who kept mumbling, You know, Martys my best friend you know, Martys my best friend. And I said, Stop already, Bob! I know you guys are best friends! Meanwhile, you paid so little that my wife and I were living in a cardboard box off Hollywood Boulevard. You didnt careyou had a Manhattan townhouse, and mumble-mouth Bobby was making a billion.

Okay, Ill see you at the movies, Marty. Waitaminutewhat movies? Youre doing commercials now. Well, if you need a spokesman for a Spider enlarger, Im your man. As ever,