Karleen Pendleton Jimenez - How to Get a Girl Pregnant

Karleen Pendleton Jimnez is the screenwriter of the award-winning film Tomboy , and author of the childrens book Are You a Boy or a Girl? , a finalist for the Lambda Literary Award. She teaches in the School of Education at Trent University. Raised in LA, having lived in Berkeley and San Diego, she now makes her home in Toronto.

Praise for How to Get a Girl Pregnant

The universe has been known to knock you on your ass when you try to control it, but it can also offer you gifts if youre willing to pay attention, writes Chicana lesbian Karleen Pendleton Jimnez. The writer invites you to join her through the many trials a butch endures to get pregnant. In an honest, captivating memoir, Pendleton assures her readers that they are in for a surprise in the page-turning adventure. Whether you have gotten pregnant or not, whether you intend to get pregnant or not, you will appreciate the journey through to the mystery revealed in how to get a girl pregnant. Written with visual verve and precise prose, this memoir is an entertaining read.

Emma Prez, author of the novels Gulf Dreams (1996) and Forgetting the Alamo, Or, Blood Memory (2009).

Acknowledgements

Thank you for all the support in the process: Elaine Jimnez McCann, Julia Curry-Rodriguez, Celia Haig-Brown, Heather Cook, Garry Pejski, Tammy Sturge, Lisa Walter, Judith Perry, Rachel Epstein, Yvanka, Miriam Davidson, Karen Shenfeld, Susan Dion, Christine Cho, Barb Taylor, Eden Torres, Jacqueline Muldoon, Marusya Bociurkiw, Janet Romero, Valeska Gomez-Castillo, Cara Ellingson, Pariss Garramone, Christine McKenzie, Elizabeth Vlietstra, Farzana Doctor, Heather Algie, Daniel Sos, Brenda Zavala-Antunez, Katerina Cook, Carter Cook, Brian Pendleton, Arlene Pendleton, Elena Pendleton, and Nancy Cardwell.

And thanks to the potential sperm donors/fathers along the way.

Contents

Karleen Pendleton Jimnez, 2011.

Published in Canada by Zurita,
an imprint of Tightrope Books,
Toronto.

Tightrope Books
#207-2 College Street
Toronto, Ontario
M5G 1K3 Canada
www.TightropeBooks.com

Edited by Shirarose Wilensky.
Cover design by Karen Correia Da Silva.
Cover photo and author photo by Hilary Cellini Cook.

Produced with the support of the
Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council.

Printed in Canada

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Jimnez, Karleen Pendleton, 1971
How to get a girl pregnant / Karleen Pendleton Jimnez.

This epub edition published in 2015. ISBN 978-1-926639-87-1 (ebook)

1. Jimnez, Karleen Pendleton, 1971. 2. Self-inseminationCanada. 3.PregnancyCanada. 4. Lesbian mothersCanadaBiography. 5. Authors, Canadian (English) 21st century

To Hilary

my lover and co-conspirator,

my companion on adventures

how to get a

girl pregnant

1. El Convento Rico

Little Italy, Toronto (March 2007)

H ow do I get sperm when I look like a dude and Im older and fatter than when I picked up guys as a teenager?

Its midnight. I walk down College Street to El Convento Rico. Its a Latin bar, with drag shows on the weekends. Its only a few blocks from my home, but a whole other world. During the day the street features Italian men in bars cheering for soccer matches on oversized TVs, scholarly dykes and poets sipping lattes at cafs, upscale food markets, flower stores, and gelato vendors. At night the smell of pot and perfume fills the air, high heels crunch the last bits of ice on the sidewalks, and young men are gelled up, wearing their best club clothes.

I walk through the crowds of young couples and find my way to the large black door and silver stairs leading down. I flash my ID at the enormous bouncer and descend into an underground party. The place is packed with a diverse suburban crowd, mostly straight, but also a few downtown Latino men with undetermined sexualities. Nobody will shun you for being queer in this bar, but if youre feminine, be ready for a considerable amount of groping. Im hoping to cash in on the atmosphere of overt sexuality.

The problem is that I have no idea how to look like someone who wants sperm. I know how to get a girl. Ive mastered the lesbian cues, expectations, desires Damn, I want the woman in the tight black miniskirt drinking the Corona at the end of the bar. I could watch her carefully, buy her another one just as she finishes, and then move in.

Knock it off. Focus on the men. I scan the room. Assessing men for their sperm is difficult for even the most politically astute of lesbians. What is it exactly I should look for, or avoid, in a sperm donor? In a bar, with only a few minutes to judge a potential father, I am a sucker for the superficial.

I spot a cute Latino with a puffy vest, dancing alone. Its a Back to the Future 1980s vest. Theres a chance, I decide; he doesnt know how to dress either. I buy myself a beer, lean against a pole, and size him up. Hes got a dark brown face and a dimpled smile. Hes definitely handsome enough. I take two big gulps of beer and remove my blazer. I reveal a thin, black tank top. It shows off my breasts. Ive got unusually large breasts. Its the only thing I have for this market. I wonder if my face is still pretty. I drink a little more, wipe off my mouth, and walk over. I ask if hed like to dance, Quieres bailar ? He nods.

We slide onto the black concrete dance floor. We bounce awkwardly a foot and a half apart. We occasionally make eye contact. I know I should try to catch his eye and smile, but Im too shy. He isnt really looking at me anyway. His eyes dart around the room, catching no one in particular. He suddenly leans over to me and asks in Spanish where I learned the language. The music seems to get louder and I shout into his ear about my California roots, my mothers Mexican family, and my studying in Mexico City at nineteen. He explains how hes only been in the country six months. Hes from Peru. His name is Jaime.

Thats a good start , I think. We have a language in common. Its not so easy to find Spanish speakers in Toronto. Ive got that to offer. Were both immigrants too.

I ask how he likes Toronto, and he says he does, but then mimes a cold shiver.

Yeah. I know, its freezing. What are we doing so far away from our families? What are we doing in this cold land? Such questions could surely be the basis of continuing the conversation, of perhaps making one warm night together.

I am interrupted by a drag queen, who parades up to the stage in a sparkling turquoise dress. I watch her as she quickly announces the beginning of the evening show. When I turn back to Jaime, he is holding his hand out to me. I look down at it and realize that were supposed to shake. As I place my hand in his, he pushes bulky English words out from his mouth, Nice to meet you. He bows his head slightly, turns, and finds a place across the room to view the performance.

I rate the encounter as mildly successful, but mostly a failure. Thats okay , I reassure myself, I dont think I couldve really gone through with it. I just needed to test the waters.

I cant help but feel better when the performers sing out Ana Gabriel and Shakira. I love the fishnet stockings, the silky dresses, the long shiny wigs, the eyelashes, the tiny hips and waists, the muscular calves and arms. The flirting.

When the show ends, I head out with the crowd. Im not ready to try again. I walk along the frozen sidewalk, avoiding the clusters of smokers and drunks. College Street at any hour is full of young, straight people trying to get laid. Im nobody here.