Mary Daheim - Loco Motive

J udith McMonigle Flynn hurried out of Hillside Manor, stared up at the second-story window, and screamed, Dont jump! Youll kill yourself!

The small man with the slicked-back hair crouched on the ledge and waved a sinewy hand. Move it, lady! Here I go!

No! Judith cried. No, no!

The man ignored her. He leaped out the window, somersaulted in midair, and landed upright in a rhododendron bush. See? he shouted, brushing glossy leaves off his chamois shirt. Your better half just lost fifty bucks. Doesnt he know who I am?

Unfortunately, she murmured, he does, but he didnt think youd be stupid enough to try that stunt at my B&B.

Where is Whazisname? Wee Willie Weevil said, gazing around the quiet cul-de-sac.

He knew Id jump athe peered at his watchs hodgepodge of numbers and symbols that Judith figured could launch a NASA spacecraftthirteen hours.

Mr. Flynn told you he had a lunch meeting, Judith said.

He shouldve canceled. I do what I do when I say Im going to do it. He belched.

Im off to run up and down that steep street you folks call thewhat?

The Counterbalance, Judith replied wearily. Its the steepest part of Heraldsgate Avenue. Years ago, a kind of cable car went

Weevil had taken some deep breaths and counted to three before taking off like a shot toward the cross street that led to the avenue. Shaking her head, Judith walked over to the porch steps.

Yoo-hoo! a voice called. Judith! What on earth was that? Turning around, Judith saw her neighbor Arlene Rankers emerge from behind the gigantic laurel hedge between the two properties. Wee Willie Weevil, jumping out of room two, Judith replied. Why did I let Justin Weevil talk me into letting his uncle stay at my B&B?

Arlene joined Judith at the porch steps. Because Justin is a very nice young man and a friend of your sons? Because youre kindhearted and had a vacancy the week before Halloween? Because youre insane?

All of the above, Judith agreed. Weevil checks out Friday. Im booked for the weekend because Halloween falls on Sunday this year.

Arlenes pretty face was sympathetic. Then youve one more full day to put up with Willie. She gestured at Judiths porch decorations. Your gourds look better than mine. That jack-o-lantern reminds me of Marie Klumpf from church. So many missing teeth. The Dooleys witch was stolen last night, she went on, gazing at the big white house looming behind the cul-de-sac. Its a shame their front porch faces the other street. I feel safer where we are. Too many cars cruise around here lately, but so far they havent come near us since Carls been Block Watch captain. Hes always alert. Unless hes taking a nap.

Judith was used to Arlenes contradictions. Carls very reliable, she agreed. Too bad he couldnt ban Willie. No decent hotel will let him in, which is why hes here. I wish Id known that before I agreed to let him stay at the B&B. Mike thought itd be fun. As a kid, he idolized Willies daredevil antics, including his movies and cartoon shows.

Arlene clapped a hand to her cheek. Id forgotten about his early exploits, she said. Hed come to town on publicity tours and visit his relatives. Our kids were big fans, too. But every time Willie was in town, his shenanigans upset the local hotel employees and their guests. The newspapers and TV were full of his wild stunts. Arlene paused, appearing to revel in the memories. He never used the elevator when he stayed at the Cascadia. Hed climb up the hotels exterior and swing into his penthouse suite on a rope. At the Naples, he rode his motorcycle up and down the hall at all hours. OhI forgot the Wetmore, where he walked a tightrope between the hotels two towers.

How did I miss all that? Judith asked, her head swimming. Arlene frowned. This was almost thirty years ago when you were living out south on Thurlow Street. Did you take a newspaper back then? Or watch TV?

The memories of Judiths disastrous first marriage were stashed in a dark corner of her mind where she seldom ventured. Those last years before Dan died were like living in exile. He wouldnt let my relatives visit and pitched a five-star fit if I spent time with them. Not that I had time to spare while working two jobs and Dan not working at all. The newspaper canceled us and the TV was repossessed. Even though he was in charge of payingor not payingbills, he got furious, especially about the TV. He couldnt watch Crusader Rabbit with Mike. For six weeks Dan tried doing finger puppets to amuse Mike but gave up when his hands went numb. Dan had poor circulation due to his diabetes and weighing four-hundred-plus pounds.

Arlene looked puzzled. That doesnt sound right. Are you sure?

Sure of what? Judith responded, feeling chilly as the wind picked up off of the nearby bay. You know my pathetic life story.

Yes, certainly, Arlene agreed. But wasnt Crusader Rabbit on TV much earlier when we were kids?

Judith smiled ruefully. Youre right. Whatever it was, Dan and Mike couldnt watch it. Maybe, she thought, it was one of Willies action cartoons.

Arlene nodded. Rags the Tiger, Crusader Rabbits faithful sidekick. Rags was a good sport, the boon companion who didnt mind playing second fiddle. And speaking of companions, she went on before Judith could start up the steps, is Willie married to that redheaded floozy whos with him?

Judith sighed. Who knows? Maybe shes a circus acrobat.

That sounds like Willies type, Arlene said. Flash and dash, danger andcontortions? She shrugged. Id rather not think about that, though Willie was popular with his marital arts movies.

Martial arts, Judith corrected.

Oh. Arlene frowned. Yes, I know. Carl and I just had a big fight. I misspoke. She glanced toward her house, where only the second story could be seen above the hedge.

Its turning cold and windy. I should go make up with Carlif hes regained consciousness.

Okay. Judith didnt ask for details. She was never sure when Arlene was exaggerating. Her neighbors had been married for over forty years, a devoted couple who enlivened their wedded state with an occasional rumpus. Passing through the entry hall where Sweetums was hissing at her, she went into the dining room, where she heard the phone ring. A woman answered the call in the kitchen. Pushing aside the swinging half doors, Judith saw Pepper, the wife, companion, or God-only-knew-what to Willie.

Who? Pepper shouted, dancing around the orange and white blur of feline fury as Sweetums streaked to the back door. After a pause, Pepper barked, Never heard of her, and hung up.

What was that? Judith demanded.

Who cares? Pepper snapped. It wasnt Wayne. He shouldve called by now.

Judith didnt know who Wayne was and didnt care. The guest phones in the upstairs hall, she said pointedly. Dont you have a cell?

It needs charging. Peppers freckled face was hostile. Im a guest. Why cant I use any damned phone thats handy?

My phones are for professional and personal use. Youre welcome to use the guest phone upstairs on the end table by the settee. Its right outside your room. Theres a charge for long

The phone rang again. Pepper reached for the receiver. No! Judith shouted. Dont!

The younger woman snatched up the receiver. Wayne? she barked into the phone. Heyknock it off with the calls, you moron!

Fuming, Judith glared at Pepper. Give me that. Now.

Oh, forhere. Pepper shoved the phone at Judith. Its that same idiot. You deal with it.

A volley of obscenities bombarded Judiths ear. Recognizing her cousins voice, she waited until Renie ran out of steamand cusswords.

Its me, coz, Judith said as Pepper stalked off down the hall that led to the back stairs. Sorry about guests who dont follow house rules. Whats up?