Robert Helms - Guinea Pig Zero: An Anthology of the Journal for Human Research Subjects

About the Creator of Guinea Pig Zero:

Robert Helms has been volunteering the use of his healthy body for medical experiments since 1995. He is a self-taught historian who has worked as a house painter, a factory hand, a helper of mentally retarded adults, and a union organizer. As editor and publisher of the zine Guinea Pig Zero , he has appeared in the national media as a voice for human research subjects. In 1997 he was sued for libel for his criticisms of a research unit near his home in Philadelphia. Helms also writes about the early anarchist movement of that city.

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BY ROBERT HELMS

Everyone hates to have their behavior closely analyzed, except when the results are sure to be positive. If an inspector is sent into an institution by a regulatory agency, if a mystery shopper comes in to check up on the politeness of retail store employees, or if a postal inspector poses as a regular mailman, the parties under surveillance will get nervous, and sometimes offended. If, on the other hand, ones restaurant is written up in some arts and entertainment magazine, its usually understood that the reporter wont be dropping in just to destroy a reputation, but is actually trying to locate good dining for the readers.

Guinea Pig Zero wishes to find a constructive balance between these two approaches. I have no interest in restricting my input to praise, since this would promote volunteering for experiments as an occupation and create more competition for myself. At the same time I would not be taken seriously if I just took cheap shots. Besides, the typical clinical research establishment is neither a sweatshop nor a war zone.

The need exists for a set of standard expectations to be set down in an independently controlled, guinea pig-based forum so we volunteers can reign in the sloppy units in a way that doesnt bring ourselves harm. Having said this, lets take a look at several units, all of which happen to be in the United States. The information offered about each unit is based on conversations with many guinea pigs; is intended to reflect the views generally held by reliable study subjects; and is not limited to my own opinions and observations. There is now an ever-growing network of GPZ operatives. Right now one is rolling up her sleeve by the Golden Gate while another carefully inspects a protocol in the Big Apple, and still others pick up their pay in the Keystone State and then carpool it out to the Windy City. These unvanquished souls are almost everywhere, watching and remembering, giving their ears to some, but their voices to other guinea pigs.

We encourage prompt and efficient administration, ample compensation, and an atmosphere of mutual respect from the research units we frequent. A research staffs creative energy should be devoted to those ends. We discourage and condemn the following Nine No-Nos:

• 1) Payment below $200/day
• 2) More than one office to deal with
• 3) Very bad food
• 4) Excessive security
• 5) Mediocre staff skills
• 6) Evasive behavior or wording related to informed consent
• 7) Changing the dates of a study without paying us for
  the hassle
• 8) Extra visits for procedures that should be handled during the screening day
• 9) Evading responsibility when something goes

• In 1996, when this was written for issue #2, Robert Helms was still publishing the zine under the nom de plume Guinea Pig Zero.

BY GPZ

FINAL GRADE: A Big, Fat F

This units problems overwhelm us in their number. Located in a psychiatric facility, one needs a visitor's pass to enter the dreary, correctional facility atmosphere of the Clinical Research Unit on the 7th floor. MCP recruiters will read off a questionnaire in a bored tone when you call, and then keep you waiting for ages when you arrive so that they can go through the explanation just once to a group of volunteers instead of dealing with each person as though they each might be distinguishable from one another.

They change the dates of a study after youve been accepted, in a nonchalant manner and without paying extra for the change. Oh, didnt you hear about the change? Its been moved to the twenty-first. Thats not a problem, is it? Respectable units will call to tell you immediately, and throw in about $100 for the hassle.

Theyll keep you waiting for half an hour for a single blood draw that youve come all the way out there to repeat. Sure, they have other things to do, but they should stop and do the 5-minute procedure so you can be on your way. Staff behaviors will either demonstrate that they value the guinea pigs time or that they dont. MCP flunks miserably in this department, too.

Sometimes theyre sloppy on the venipuncture. Contacts tell us that the regular day staff might lean out with the end of the needle while using a vacu-tainer, as suddenly you hear a loud sucking sound as air instead of blood is being drawn into the tube. We know of nursing students working in research units, who would do a better job blindfolded.

Theres a history of violations, like being caught taking bribes to ignore or falsify drug screen results. The entire staff was purged and replaced at least once over the past few years in order to appease the FDA and avoid closure.

The guinea pig applicant must travel to another location a few miles away to get a chest x-ray for the entry physical. On the assumption that the Medical College has a radiology department somewhere on its campus, we observe that this is an unnecessary and insulting waste of our time. We also note that most units dont require an x-ray, and we wonder why this crew always needs one. It may simply have to do with some business relationship that the unit has with another firm, or maybe the head mucky-muck has a ritualistic attachment to the procedure. In any case, a chest x-ray needlessly exposes us to that much more radiation, and at MCP it gobbles up another chunk of our day. Besides this, they always require a prostate exam! Very few research units require this unless theres a special reason connected to a study. Whats a finger up the ass between friends, eh? We know they dont need to do it, but if they enjoy it, and somebodys paying for it, who cares? Its only the personal space of some raga-muffin guinea pigs.