Table of Contents
Acknowledgments
I am very grateful that I didnt have to go through this difficult journey alone. There were many dark times when my spirits flagged, and I just wasnt sure I could get to the finish line. Luckily I had many friends and professionals to provide the emotional and intellectual support I needed.
Writing a book is so hard.
Oh, wait, you thought I was talking about breast cancer, didnt you? Ill get to that, but first things first.
I want to thank all of the women who contributed their stories, their insights, and their time so generously to this book. They allowed me to create a fuller picture of what the modern breast cancer experience actually is for many women. Dr. Bonni Gearhart was my medical consultant on the book, and her help was invaluable. Shes also a delightful, funny, smart chick whose patients adore her. Thanks to my business partner and friend, Joanna Breen, who listened, and waited (relatively) patiently when I had to juggle our work with the writing of this book. And I was so fortunate to have the advice and counsel of my wise and talented editor, Tracy Bernstein, who laughed at my jokes even when shed read them four times. My dear friend, who is also my agent, Laurie Liss, encouraged me to write about my breast cancer adventure after going through much of it with me.
Now, about that breast cancer thing: I had an abundance of love and support with that too, starting with my husband, Dennis Kardon and my daughter, Julia Kardon. Enormous thanks also to: my friend Rachel Bellow, who held my hand through chemo and made me laugh; my sister, Lisa Lewis, who was my go-to person when research needed to be done; my Air America colleagues, Jon Sinton in particular, whose kindnesses began on day one. And of course, I thank my doctors, who were unfailingly thoughtful, careful and collaborative, and best of all, successful, at least so far.
I am blessed with wonderful parentsa mother whom I can always count on to be my most enthusiastic cheer-leader, and a father whose influence on who I am cant be overstated. So most of all I thank my dad, Leonard Lewis, who has always made me feel I was the smartest girl in the room, and that I (usually) have something interesting to say. I am very proud to be his daughter.
Introduction
Life is what happens to you when youre busy making other plans.
John Lennon
Experts say that when faced with a personal crisis, every human will go through at least two of the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). When I discovered I had breast cancer, I was no exception:
Dear God: WTF???
Are you freaking kidding me? This has got to be some huge mistake.
No ?
Really?
But why me, God? What did I do to deserve this?
Was it my diet?
My exercise regimen?
The fact that I didnt have one?
Did I do something morally reprehensible just when You happened to be watching?
Hey, if Im being punished, there are plenty of other people who deserve it more than I do. And Im willing to name names.
Wait, I got it. You can just undo this. Youre God, after all.
Well, if You think Im going to be transformed into a better person, forget it. You just wasted a perfectly good case of early-stage breast cancer on me.
Oh, and thanks for totally screwing up my summer.
I guess you could say my relationship with God has been problematic for both of us.
Okay, you know the one-sided conversation above is a joke, right? I didnt really believe I knew plenty of people who deserved it, any more than I did, and although I had a lot of questions when I found out I had breast cancer (like Are you sure?), Why me? wasnt one of them. I didnt ask God anything, except maybe once when I was praying not to get dry heaves after someone came into a meeting with a container of Thai food.
Theres no more to be gained from pondering why you were chosen to get breast cancer than there is from wondering why you were chosen to have an overbite, or facial hair, or an extra toe.
Unless you have the BRCA gene mutation that places you at much higher risk to develop breast cancer, the odds are youll never know why you, of all people, got it. What the medical community really knows for sure about the causes of breast cancer could be printed on the back of a pink ribbon and still leave room for a coupon to buy a huggable stuffed animal from the Breast Cancer Mall. Lets agree that we arent going to waste any time on questions that cant be answered and focus on the ones that can be.
The first question isnt Why do I have this problem?; its How do I solve this problem?
And the answer is, youll solve it the way you solve all of the challenges you confront. You bring a lifetime of experience, skills, and wisdom to breast cancer. We all do.
Cancer didnt teach me lessons that changed my life; my life taught me lessons that changed my cancer experience. Hence, the title of this book.
Not that my turn in Breast Cancer Club was all smooth sailing, or a nice, calm experience, beginning to end. There were plenty of quiet freak-outs.
But I do think I was mostly able to keep the panic attacks at bay by being as prepared as possible for the various terrifying situations I faced.
Im no expert, but Ill tell you everything I know. And better still, Ive included the good advice contributed by the many wise and strong women Ive met while writing this book. Ive learned from all of them. You will, too.
I can promise you, there will be no brave laughing through the tears, no tales of my heroic struggles.
For one thing, Im not brave. Im kind of a coward, especially around needles. And Im definitely not a hero. A hero is someone who does something brave and noble because its the right thing to do, not because she has no choice. I just did what I was told, more or less.
Breast cancer wasnt a journey that led me to anywhere worth going, and you will never, ever hear me say I was glad I had it, for any reason. Its true that because of breast cancer I have met some wonderful and lovely women who have enriched my life, but while having coffee with two of them recently, we all agreed that if given the choice between having breast cancer or having one another for friends, wed rather not have met at all. And sure, we learned some stuff, but all things considered, wed rather just take a course from one of those online colleges, or go to the Learning Annex.
This is not a book filled with look on the bright side advice.
This is a book for women who dont have and dont want a spiritual makeover after breast cancer. We like who we are, and we like our lives. And we dont expect cancer to fix whats wrong with them.
I was surprised to find that a life-threatening experience did not become a life-altering one. But now I realize its completely life-affirming to want to remain who you essentially are, good traits and bad, rather than make permanent accommodations for a disease that you have to believe is just passing through.
I came out on the other side of breast cancer pretty much the same person I was going into it.
My only growth was the one removed by my surgeon.