Stewart Taylor - Stuck in a Moment: The Ballad of Paul Vaessen

First published by Pitch Publishing, 2018

Pitch Publishing
A2 Yeoman Gate
Yeoman Way
Durrington
BN13 3QZ

www.pitchpublishing.co.uk

Stewart Taylor, 2018

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A CIP catalogue record is available for this book from the British Library

Print ISBN 978-1-78531-379-0
eBook ISBN 978-1-78531-411-7

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For David Russell and Scott Taylor, both dearly missed.

Youve got to get yourself together
Youve got stuck in a moment
And now you cant get out of it
Dont say that later will be better
Now youre stuck in a moment
And you cant get out of it

Stuck In A Moment You Cant Get Out Of, U2
(2000)

There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away.

Sherman Alexie in The Absolutely True Diary of a
Part-Time Indian (2007)

PAUL PLAYED for Arsenal but was forced to retire due to injury and fell into a life of crime and drug addiction before dying at the age of 39. Some people get it but most people dont. I am one of the lucky ones. I have lived for 17 years now, a day at a time, alcohol-free but more importantly clear of mind and, most of the time, emotionally well: no prison for me in the last 17 years and no A&E.

Football-wise I just missed Vas. He was just leaving the Arsenal after having had his day and I was just starting my football career as a 16-year-old kid who had not yet had his. I think our paths crossed one pre-season training as I was invited along as a 15-year-old schoolboy to take part with the pros and Vas was one of those young pros. Paul made his league debut against Chelsea on 14 May 1979 and I signed schoolboy forms for the Arsenal in October 1979.

Paul turned professional in July the same year, scoring five goals in 18 appearances in 1979/80. The most famous of these goals was the one he scored against Juventus at the Stadio Comunale. I remember Arsenal manager Terry Neill sending Vas on as a substitute after 75 minutes and Paul heading home at the back post from a Graham Rix cross in the 88th minute to make the aggregate score 21 to Arsenal and put the Arse into the final. I can still see the sheer euphoria on his face after scoring.

I watched Vass story and his career unfold, first through my beer spectacles then sober ones. The denial of addiction is so strong that all the time I was drinking my judgement of Vas after his enforced retirement was that he was a druggy and a no-hoper probably so I didnt have to look at my own problems. Here was I married to a crack addict and so deep in my own alcohol addiction that I just could not see the similarities between us. My thinking was genuinely, At least I am not as bad as him.

As soon as I got sober I could see this illness for what it was and I could identify with Vass problems, thoughts and feelings. This disease wants you dead and sadly for Vas and his family it took him to his grave. I dont know why I have been freed from the bondage of self-destruction but I am truly, deeply grateful that I have been and that I have been given a second chance. I wish the Sporting Chance Clinic had been there to help Vas, I wish I could have helped Vas, I wish Vas had found recovery, I wish he could have had some peace of mind here on earth and I wish we could have shared some sober/clean days together.

Unfortunately, all I can do is, by writing this foreword, support Vass story and pray that someone out there may read this book and identify with Pauls story and seek help.

This is a family illness as we, the addict, affect everyone around us. So now my prayers are for Pauls family and friends, that they may find acceptance and peace around Pauls situation. Paul was a sick man who never found his medicine.

Finally, I have a smile on my face remembering Vass goal against Juventus but a tear in my eye and sadness in my heart for a fellow footballer and addict who didnt make it.

Tony Adams, October 2013

Life is never easy for those who dream.

Robert James Waller

THIS IS the story of a human tragedy and a football tragedy.

Paul Vaessen, born in Gillingham to a footballing family, joined Arsenal as an associated schoolboy in March 1977. By the summer of 1983 injury had ended his career. By the summer of 2001 drugs had ended his life.

Paul Vaessen packed a lot into his relatively short life; some of it good, some of it bad, all of it unforgettable. This book tells the story of the lows as well as the highs.

The case of Paul Vaessen is one of the reasons why football and the Professional Footballers Association (PFA) has focused its attention much more on lifestyles for footballers, noting that a support system is essential for those hours away from the club when things can go wrong, particularly if a player doesnt make the grade or has to retire early due to injury.

Mental health, welfare, and rehabilitation are all key words now in the football family. The Sporting Chance Clinic set up by Tony Adams is used extensively by the PFA and there is a whole network of trained therapists now available to help players through difficult times when so many are in danger of repeating the tragic story of Paul Vaessen.

Whilst todays professionals can become multi-millionaires in just a short time, this book is a timely reminder that the game also has an overriding obligation to look after those youngsters who, for one reason or another, do not make it and then find it impossible to cope with the feeling of let-down.

I hope this book can be used as a lesson to be learnt by all youngsters entering the game and helps make sure that Pauls life was not lost in vain.

Gordon Taylor, Chief Executive, PFA
February 2013

I learnedthat no one is perfect but most people are good; that people cant be judged only by their worst or weakest moments; that harsh judgements can make hypocrites of us all; that a lot of life is just showing up and hanging onPerhaps most important, I learned that everyone has a story of dreams and nightmares, hope and heartache, love and loss, courage and fear, sacrifice and selfishness.

Bill Clinton, My Life (2004)

F--KING HELL!

I was getting pretty used to this by now, this sort of reaction.

To be perfectly honest, it was something I hadnt anticipated when Id first started out. I just assumed that people would know, that word would have gotten around, like bad news usually does.

So, I hadnt expected to hear, How is he? or Whats he up to these days? I didnt imagine Id be the one breaking the news ten years down the line. And, similarly, I dont think those on the other end of the phone were expecting the answers they got in return.

The truth is that Paul Vaessen had been forgotten and discarded by the sport he devoted his young life to long before his passing in August 2001. Im not going to pretend Paul was my football hero. He was not by any stretch of the imagination one of the great players of his generation, or even at his club. And like thousands of other success-starved Arsenal fans I was far too distracted by Arsenals struggles on the pitch during the early eighties to follow the trials and tribulations of Pauls life.