Paul Yee - Money Boy

English poetry crawls across our super-wide TVin easy words that I understand.

Hey!

Ill learn this ancient play from the movieversion.

Ill get high marks on tomorrows English quiz.

Ill surprise my teachers and my friends, whoexpect me to score another goose egg. I havent read the play yet, not even inChinese. Thats how Mila Pei gets good grades. She reads everything in Chineseon the Internet as well as in English from our textbooks.

The movie starts. Men and women flirt at a picnic.One man is shirtless. The womens blouses hang low and wide below the neck. Inthe trees, birds are chirping. The actress reads more poetry, as slowly asbefore. Shes talking about finding love!

Did our teacher finally pick a play that weimmigrant kids can understand?

The actors start talking. At first they speakslowly. Then they speed up. Rot! Mila chuckles at a joke. What was it? Shechuckles again. This time Wei Zhang joins her. Those two are lucky. They hadEnglish-language tutors since primary school, back in China. Not me.

I lean forward to listen harder. I need to do welltomorrow. Otherwise my report card will cause trouble with Ba.

Milas cellphone buzzes. She yawns and opens atext. She is sprawled over the sofa, feet on the coffee table. With a giggle,she thrusts her cell at Jenny Wang. Jennys eyes widen.

His clothes, where are they? she squeals inMandarin.

Scandal! Its Kevin, Milas boyfriend. We rush tosee.

Personal! Mila jumps up and grabs her cell.Private! For my eyes only!

She skips through the tangle of legs on the floorbut Wei springs up and throws his arms around her. He reaches for the cell,squeezing her tightly. Mila screams and twists like a wild animal. Her blue hairsprays out like a shiny umbrella.

My theory is this. She wears her hair long in orderto keep her shoulders and chest warm. Her tight tops always show lots of bareflesh. One look at Weis face and you know that hes rolling in turned-onheaven.

The cell shoots from one end of our family room tothe other. The guys hoot in surprise when Jenny catches it. Sprinting to thefoot of the basement stairs, she shouts in triumph. Chubby Kai Ren tackles herto the carpet. Their arms and legs are windmills. His gym socks are blindingwhite.

Mila rushes to Jenny but my stepbrother Jian loopsa long arm around her. They topple backwards, laughing. If Kevin saw this, hewould crush Jian like a potato chip.

Save me, Ray! Jenny calls out to me. Save me!She curls up, tucking the cell to her chest.

I need to jump in. Otherwise Ill stick out like amaiden aunt at a wedding. I grab her wrists and pull her close. Its easy toplay along. Touching and grabbing like this goes on all the time, right underour teachers noses.

Jenny bites me. I press my lips to her cheeks andinhale her perfume. I hope to get aroused. Nothing.

You vampire! I hiss. Want to drink myblood?

Give back my cell! Mila hollers.

Quiet! Jian hisses suddenly. Quiet down!

He clicks the mute. The surround sound falls silentwhile the movie keeps going.

My father is at the foot of the stairs, scowling.

Rot. He shouldnt be home. On weekends, therestaurant is busy so hes needed there. Thats why my friends came over. That,plus the fact that no one else owns a TV as super wide as ours.

At least he caught me wrestling Jenny like a hornyyoung man.

My friends greet him as if they are at a funeral.Mila and Jenny adjust their tops. I straighten the sofa cushions. Ba alwayscomplains that my friends horse around too much and leave the house in amess.

With his crew cut and bright red North Windtracksuit, my father looks like he never left China, or the twentieth century.Ba sticks to Chinese labels. He says hes proud of China.

So then why did he quit the army? And the policeforce? Hes still fit from those jobs, which makes my friends afraid of him.

Ba sucks in a breath. His eyes widen. I glance atthe TV. My jaw drops. Naked soldiers laugh and toss each other into a giantoutdoor tub, then splash and dunk each other. Inside the palace, women rush frombed to bed, undressing and dressing, pulling on skirts and blouses.

Isnt this supposed to be a serious play byShakespeare?

That, Ba thunders, jabbing a finger at the TV.What is that?

English homework, Kai replies nervously. Werereading a play by Sha-shi-bi-ya. Its called...

He stops and looks around, but no one knows theplays name in Chinese.

Much Ado aboutNothing , he says in English.

This play, it uses old-fashioned English, Weiadds, so its very hard to understand.

Jian clicks the remote to restart the sound.Luckily, all the actors are now fully dressed and talking and bowing formally toeach other. And theres western classical music.

Sha-shi-bi-ya is worth studying! Ba declares. Heis one writer who is admired by both British and American people! But you shouldwatch a high-quality version of his work, not this!

This know-it-all kills me! My father never read aserious book in his life.

This version is high-quality! Mila retorts. Itwas filmed in Italy. Look. The images are very sharp!

They are sharp due to my big screen! Basnorts.

My mind hears you stupid egg at the end of hissentence.

Ba grumbles all the time about kids who talk backto adults, girls who totter on high heels, guys who tint their hair, and teenswho return to China because they are too lazy to learn English.

In other words, people like my friends.

Stay for lunch! Ba calls, blocking the stairwaywith one hand. Your homework, you can do it here. There is plenty of food,tasty dishes from the restaurant.

My friends politely shake their heads. They fishfor their notepads and pens and load up their backpacks. Bas bossy way,shouting as if people are army recruits, caused his fitness studio to fail twomonths ago. His clients were rich Chinese who wanted to be pampered.