Aldous J. Pennyfarthing - Dear F*cking Lunatic: 101 Obscenely Rude Letters to Donald Trump

DEAR F*CKING LUNATIC: 101 OBSCENELY RUDE LETTERS TO DONALD TRUMP

Copyright 2018 Aldous J. Pennyfarthing

All rights reserved

Published by:

Aldous J. Pennyfarthings Comestibles & Sundries, a wholly owned subsidiary of OReillys Falafels and Loofahs, Inc.

Aldous J. Pennyfarthing lives in the Pacific Northwest with his beloved wife, Penelope Middleton-Smythe, and their mutt terrier, Fiddlehead Stinktrousers . He serves as the CEO and sole proprietor of Aldous J. Pennyfarthings Comestibles & Sundries, a going international concern thats worth, according to the most reliable subjective estimates, in excess of TEN BILLION DOLLARS.

In contrast to Donald Trumps shambolic bearing, appearance, and comportment, Pennyfarthing is a natty hail-fellow-well-met and a gentleman. He resorts to the fatuous japery contained in this book out of a sincere love for country.

A UTHORS NOTE: If youre inclined to tweet excerpts of this book, or its cover, to @realDonaldTrumpor send them to the White Housewell, I cant stop you.

Humbly dedicated to:

Crooked Hillary, Crazy Bernie, Pocahontas, Cryin Chuck Schumer, Wacky Congresswoman Wilson, Sneaky Dianne Feinstein, Dicky Durbin, Liddle Adam Schiff the Leakin Monster of No Control, Crazy Joe Biden, Lamb the Sham, Puppet Jones, Low-Energy Jeb, Little Marco, Liddle Bob Corker, 1 for 38 Kasich, Crazy Megyn, Leakin James Comey, Jeff Flake(y), Low I.Q. Crazy Mika, Psycho Joe, Little Katy Tur, Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd, Sloppy Michael Moore, the failing New York Times , Fake News CNN, the Amazon Washington Post , Deface the Nation , Sloppy Steve, and (if I mustugh) Lyin Ted Cruz

Shut the fuck up. Cake

Introduction

So heres the genesis of this magnum motherfuckin opus.

In December 2017, I took an arduous, 2,000-mile trip home to the Old Country. And by Old Country I mean Wisconsin, where Fox News and the spastic colon that is Sean Hannitys immutable soul have long since supplanted Sunday morning TV polka jamborees as the entertainment of choice among the geriatric set.

A native Midwesterner, I currently reside in the Pacific Northwestan eminently livable region of the continental U.S. thats destined to be Sodom-and-Gomorrahd into rubble by something called the Cascadia subduction zone, which leading geophysicists assure us will one day deliver an earthquake roughly the size of Rupert Murdochs prostate. And Im surprisingly okay with that because I lived in Wisconsin for over 40 years, spent nearly that many Christmases basking beside the cozy, warm hearth of my parents handsome colonial home, and have more than once been forced to listen to Bill OReilly on 99 volume.

I. Am. Prepared. For. Any. Fucking. Thing.

Christmas 2017 was pleasant, andapparently shamed into silence by our oafish ocher overlordnone of my conservative relatives or friends attempted to defend Donald Trump.

That was a relief.

I left Sconnnie and its below-zero temps behind, only to experience flight problems, baggage delays, and the thousand-mile stare of a heretofore saintly vegan wife whod already spent a long weekend politely declining increasingly importunate offers of Day-Glo green gelatin and glazed spiral ham.

When I got home, I was spent.

In addition to serving as sole proprietor of Aldous J. Pennyfarthings Comestibles & Sundrieswhich, according to most subjective estimates, is worth TEN BILLION DOLLARSIve been contributing blog posts to the progressive/Democratic website Daily Kos for the past several months.

Many of my posts got down in the wonky weeds in an attempt to soundly refute the mildewy mesh bag full of sumo cadaver taints and shamelessness who calls himself our 45th president.

But he wasnt listening. In fact, he never listens to anyone who doesnt already agree with himthats whats so goddamn infuriating about the guy.

On my first full day back, Trump gave one of his patented digressive (read: nutty as all fuckity-fuck) interviews to The New York Times .

And, when I got to this bit, I fucking lost my mind:

Yeah, China.... Chinas been.... I like very much President Xi. He treated me better than anybodys ever been treated in the history of China. You know that.

And fuck me sideways with John Holmes fossilized dick, that was quite enough. Id long since surpassed my recommended yearly allowance of crazy, and as if prodded by some divine imprimatur, this open letter to our president poured like incandescent dung from a Chernobyl reindeers asshole:

Dear Fucking Lunatic,

I read with interest your recent interview with The New York Times . I couldnt get past the bit about your being the most popular visitor in the history of fucking China a country thats only 2,238 years old, give or take.

Do you know how fucking insane you sound, you off-brand butt plug? Thats like the geopolitical equivalent of that stripper really likes meonly 10,000 times crazier and less self-aware.

You are fucking exhausting. Every day is a natural experiment in determining how long 300 million people can resist coring out their own assholes with an ice auger. Every time I hear a snippet of your Queens-tinged banshee larynx farts, I want to crawl up my own ass with a Union Jack and claim my sigmoid colon for HRH Queen Elizabeth II.

We are fucking tired. As bad as we all thought your presidency would be when Putin got you elected, its been inestimably worse.

You called a hostile, nuclear-armed head of state short and fat. How the fuck does that help?

You accused a womana former friend, no lessof showing up at your resort bleeding from the face and begging to get in. You, you, YOU the guy who looks like a Christmas haggis inexplicably brought to life by Frostys magic hatyes, you of all people said that.

You attemptedwith evident fucking gleeto get 24 million people thrown off their health insurance.

You gave billions away to corporations and the already wealthy while simultaneously telling struggling poor people that you were doing exactly the opposite .

You endorsed a pedophile, praised brutal dictators, and defended LITERAL FUCKING NAZIS!

Ninety-nine percent of everything you say is either false, crazy, incoherent, just plain cruel, or a rancid paella of all four.

Oh, by the way, Puerto Rico is still FUBAR. You got yourself and your family billions in tax breaks for Christmas. What do they get? More paper towels?

Enough, enough, enough, enough! For the love of God and all that is holy, good, and pure, would you please, finally and forever, shut your feculent KFC-hole until you have something valuableor even marginally civilto say?

You are a fried dick sandwich with a side of schlongs. If chlamydia and gonorrhea had a son, youd appoint him HHS secretary. You are a disgraceful, pustulant hot stew full of casuistry, godawful ideas, unintelligible non sequiturs, and malignant rage.

You are the perfect circus orangutan diaper from Platos World of Forms.

So happy new year, Mr. Pr*sident. And fuck you forever.

Oh, and Pence, you oleaginous house ferret. Fuck you, too.

Sincerely,

Everyone

The post was the most sincere take on 45 I could muster, coming straight from the black, bloodless knot of necrotic tissue I infrequently call a heartand I thought, well, if I get bounced off Daily Kos, so be it. I was at a boiling point, and when youre there, theres nothing left to do but boil.

So that was Friday. The next day I checked the post and noticed it had done pretty well, having garnered a respectable number of recommends on DKos. Great. My bile had not been spilled in vain. Others were simpatico. I could die nowprobably of radiation poisoning.

And then things built. And built. And built.