Steven Frank - The Pen Commandments: A Guide for the Beginning Writer

Table of Contents

For Sophie, who brought me inspiration,
For Sammy, who brought me luck,
And for Julie, who brought me Sophie and Sam

When I was seven, I said to my mother, may I close mydoor? And she said, yes, but why do you want to closeyour door? And I said because I want to think. Andwhen I was eleven, I said to my mother, may I lock mydoor? And she said, yes, but why do you want to lockyour door? And I said because I want to write.

DOROTHY WEST

Preface

There are certain books, usually with pictures, that kids sneak off their parents shelf and take a naughty look at. Here is a book that parents will be sneaking off their kids shelf. It doesnt have any pictures, but it is full of wordswords about words and language and writing.

On my first day as an English teacher ten years ago, I entered a classroom completely unprepared. I hadnt been to graduate school. I knew nothing about classroom management, lesson planning, or cognitive theory. I had been hired on a hunch the Friday before, and this was the first Monday of a new career.

On your first day of school, all you have to do is show up. But your teacher is supposed to come with an arsenal of assignments, a head bursting with ideas, a bag full of tricks to capture your attention and stimulate your mind. On my first day the bag was more or less empty, so I decided to play Hangman with the students and let them choose their own methods of execution. It was an offbeat way to begin the year, but everybody perked right up, and together we had our first lesson about English: its supposed to be fun. The words I used came from the myth of Orpheus, which I read aloud to the class. We then put Hades on trial for being so cruel to mythologys greatest musician. The jury of twelve sentenced the Captain of Hell to an eternity of cleaning up after his three-headed dog. There was a spirit of adventure in the room, and just before the bell rang, I gave my first writing assignment: a fantasy piece about what you didnt do over summer vacation.

The essays I received were full of mistakes in spelling, grammar, and punctuation. But they were just as amply filled with imagination, humor, and originality. Although I had none of the official credentials for being an English teacher, I discovered I had the most important ones: a respect for children and a love of language, which I shared with my young charges.

Over time, and with experience teaching students from nine to nineteen years old, I realized that it wasnt enough just to play with words; we had to master them along the way. With the help of a new teachers best friendtrial and errorI developed a method for teaching people how to write. Ten years later here is the result. I hope The Pen Commandments is a useful guide and a playful one too. If you should happen to catch your parents sneaking a peek at this book, dont embarrass them by saying, What do you think youre doing? Instead, back quietly out of your own room and let them have their fun. After all, when they were growing up, they had to get this information from boring textbooks or tyrannical teachers who could spank them if they forgot a topic sentence. So go easy on them. Leave a copy lying around. Maybe, in return, theyll leave one of their books lying around for you.

Introduction

Youre probably wondering if you have to read the introduction. Introductions can be very long; I promise you a short one. They can give away important information that the book itself reveals; I wont divulge any secrets here. But I will tell you what a good introduction does, and then you can decide whether to read it or to skip ahead to Chapter 1.

A good introduction, like a good party host, welcomes the reader at the front door. It offers you a hand and makes you feel at home. And the way it makes you feel at home is by letting you know what to expect once you step inside.

The Pen Commandments will teach you how to write. It isnt a textbook with exercises for homework; you already have one of those taking up too much space in your backpack. It isnt a book on grammar, although youll find some advice on grammar as it relates to good writing, and you can look in the appendix for the Top Ten Grammar Mistakes You Shouldnt Make. It isnt a book on poetry or fiction; these are subjects I love so much, I think they deserve books of their own.

But the basic principles of writing, the ones you need to write your way to success in school and out of it, the ones that will energize, inspire, and preserve youthese are waiting on the other side of the door.

So come on in. The only pass you need is a pen.

One

Thou ShaltHonor Thy Reader

ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL where I teach, the students all line up in the yard according to grade. They mill about, getting reacquainted after a summer apart, and they tell stories. One year I heard someone cry out, Ewwww, thats disgusting! I turned and saw a small crowd huddled around a boy named Jason who was describing the oral surgery he had had back in June.

They found out I had an extra tooth growing down from the roof of my mouth. If we did nothing, it would keep on growing till it touched my tongue. So the dentist said hed have to pull it.

Did it hurt? asked one girl.

Well, when he cut the hole around the tooth, that wasnt so bad. But then he took a pair of pliers and started twisting it back and forth, like a nail. That I felt.

Was there a lot of blood? a boy asked.

That depends on how you define a lot. Lets just say I couldnt spit fast enough and kept swallowing instead. Finally he got the tooth out, jammed some cotton up there, and told me to hold it in place with my tongue.

Whats it look like now?

Jason smiled a thin, wicked smile. Then he threw back his head and opened wide for all the kids to gaze atand be grossed out bythe crater in the roof of his mouth. There was a roar of disgusted cries, and then one kid said, Can I see that again?

Thats when it hit me: a writing assignment designed to gross us out, to keep us gathered around a composition the way the kids had all gathered around Jason. The topic: An Accident That Happened. The goal: include so many gory details that at least five of your classmates will either hurl their lunch or skip their dinner. Now you may ask how a writer who incites mass vomiting is respecting his reader, but I invite you to visit my classroom on the day these compositions are read aloud. People love to hear the stories behind scars just as much as they love to tell them.

The Right Topic

The leading cause of writer apathy among todays students is bad topics. Write about your summer vacation. Describe your room. Describe your family. Write a letter to the editor. Write a plot summary. Write a character analysis. Write a report about the uses of zinc oxide in a developed society. Write a this, write a that, write a write a write a writewhy write at all?

If youre not inspired by a writing topic, ask to change it. Ask your teacher if you can describe your family from the dogs point of view, or the fishs. Ask if your plot summary can include blanks so that your classmates can try to guess the title when you read it aloud. Ask if your character analysis can include a literary personals ad to help your character find a date. Dont ask