Ariel Leve - It Could Be Worse, You Could Be Me

People like to say it will all work out.

But what if it doesnt?

Sometimes after I wake up I will stand in my pyjamas in front of the mirror over the sink and watch myself getting older. Ill feel lucky. Im not the sort of person who has to rely on my appearance to get by in life. Who cares what I look like? Im the sort of person who relies on personality. But then it will hit me. Thats what I have to rely on?

Ill examine my teeth and wonder what my life will be like in ten years. Will I still be standing in the same pyjamas over the same sink? Will I be drying my hands with the same towel when Im fifty, when Im sixty, when Im seventy? People like to say it will all work out. But what if it doesnt? I will sit quietly on the edge of the bathtub and think about this for a while. Then, when I feel fully prepared to accept the uncertainties of life, Ill begin my day.

Worrying is my yoga.

There are two things in life I enjoy. Talking on the phone and drinking coffee. Better yet, talking on the phone while drinking coffee. Thats about it.

There is no question I hate more than Whats new? Except maybe Whats up? There is only one answer I will ever give to those questions. Nothing. Nothing is new and nothing is up. Especially since yesterday.

The problem with leaving the house is occasionally Ill run into people I dont want to see. Recently I bumped into a friend Id lost touch with since 1996. As we stood on the street corner waiting for the light to change, not having seen each other in over a decade, she asked what was new. At first I was exasperated by the absurdity of having to sum up over ten years of my life in five seconds until it hit me: I could do it. Not that much has changed.

What Id like to know is, why does something always have to be new? What is all this new stuff going on? People seem to be experiencing new things all the time. Most of the new things I experience arent worthy of reporting. Yesterday I found a new grey hair. Im also concerned that I may have arthritis.

But I suppose what people are really asking is: is there anything going on in your life that will impress me. Lets see. I switched toothpaste, paid the phone bill, and bought a humidifier. Im no Sharon Stone.

The first conversation of the day is usually with the deli man downstairs. Ill say, Good Morning. Hell say, The usual? Ill say, Yes. Sometimes I might ask for an extra shot of espresso in my latte. After that, I feel energetic. Thats new, I guess.

The rest of my day is an act of postponement. Ill sit at my desk before I begin to work and run through the list of worst-case scenarios until I get tired and cant think any more. Then Ill lie down.

Lying there Ill remind myself not to get too attached to things because you never know, anything can happen. It can all go away. Thinking about thishow nothing matterscan be a relief. As long as you dont think about it for too long. Then it becomes depressing.

When Im done with work I might consider a visit to the gym. But the last time I was there I was on the treadmill listening to music when a trainer I had been avoiding came over the say hello. He stood in front of the machine I was on and smiled, forcing me to remove my headphones.

Hey, he said. Whats up?

I smiled. Not much.

I decided this was more life-affirming than Nothing. I try to be positive. Then just as I was about to put the headphones back on he made a face of disbelief.

Come on. Youre joking.

How is that joking? I promised him I wasnt. I had nothing new to report.

Sure you do, he declared.

No. Really. I dont.

He looked confused. Suddenly, it was a standoff. He refused to accept my answer and I refused to adapt it to please him. Eventually he shrugged and walked away.

I watched as he approached a woman on the stair machine who I could tell was very proud of her midriff. Whats going on? he asked. Twenty minutes later they were still talking.

On my way home I noticed the streets were filled with people and I thought, what are they doing with their life thats so interesting? They go out, they shop for DVDs, they buy pomegranate juice. Each person that passed looked more miserable than the next. It was exhilarating.

When I got into the lift there was a woman with a hump. I could have a hump. Everyone has problems. I need to remember that.

Ive never understood when someone says there are not enough hours in the day because from the moment I wake up the countdown begins. There are plenty of hours in the day. They just keep on coming, one after the other.

Mostly, Im looking forward to turning ninety. Heres why. All the moments Ive had to seize will be behind me. The pressure to have taken advantage of new opportunities will be off and just getting through the day will be considered an achievement. Ill have the same outlook I have nowbut no-one will mind. And when someone asks me, Whats up? I can reply, Dinner.

It will be enough.