Alan Joynson - Razor Smile--Comic Verse and Humerus Prose

The following poems are intended solely as an attempt at humour. Nothing more than that. Hopefully they are accessible to all age groups and may even lead certain readers to want to create their own comic verse. They are not written by someone with a degree or intended for analysis by those who have a humourous poem or rhyme can improve your day and if that is achieved by any verse within these pages then that is all that matters. The idea that words can add to the enjoyment of life has been very important to me from my early childhood in the 1950s and early 1960s in Newcastle under Lyme. Programmes on radio were a particular source of enjoyment especially the song Goodness Gracious Me by Peter Sellers and Sophia Loren was one of my favourites as well as The Ying Tong Song by the Goons.

My mother was a big Spike Milligan fan and she even quoted Shakespeare to me I distinctly remember, after I had been caught being economical with the truth, her saying forcefully, This above all: to thine own self be true. My father would sometimes bring home jokes or verse that were going round his office like these: Daredaygo fortylorisinaro Demarntloris demartrux Fullacowsan ensandux (Explanation ) And the Lord said unto Moses, All people shall have round noses, Except Aaron, And he shall have a square- un. Other poems that I was introduced to, at this time, included The Daffodils by William Wordsworth and Leisure by W. H. Davies both of which I have included my own version in this collection. On the TV was the programme Crackerjack which often ended with a sketch including a song from the charts sung to alternative words.

I will never forget my amazement when they sang a version of Bohemian Rhapsody. Later on, as a teenager I was involved in productions of Gilbert and Sullivan operas, where I came across the patter song. I am the very model of a modern Major-General, Ive information vegetable, animal, and mineral, I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; Im very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, About binomial theorem Im teeming with a lot o news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. Im very good at integral and differential calculus; I know the scientific names of beings animalculous: In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. Our home didnt have many books. I remember my father going to the saleroom ie.

Visiting a local auction and bringing home four encyclopaedias called The World of the Children (out of date by twenty years ) and a large dictionary in two volumes. These were totally uninspiring except for some origami in The World of the Children. However we did have a copy of Verse and Worse which was a poetry collection by Arnold Silcock that had been given to my mother as a wedding present. The collection had several poems that appealed to me as a child some of which Ive included on the following pages. I vividly remember reading Castaway and through the clever wording being led up the garden path. This poem more than any other was my initial inspiration for writing poetry.

Here is the complete poem. Castaway He grabbed me round my slender neck, I could not shout or scream, He carried me into his room Where we could not be seen; He tore away my flimsy wrap And gazed upon my form I was so cold and still and damp, While he was wet and warm. His feverish mouth he pressed to mine I let him have his way He drained me of my very self, I could not say him nay. He made me what I am. Alas! Thats why you find me here A broken vessel, broken glass, That once held Bottled Beer. ? My other favourite poems from this collection are; Manners I eat my peas with honey; Ive done it all my life. ? My other favourite poems from this collection are; Manners I eat my peas with honey; Ive done it all my life.

It makes the peas taste funny, But it keeps em on the knife. Anon Ware Tomato-Juice An accident happened to my brother Jim When somebody threw a tomato at him Tomatoes are juicy and dont hurt the skin, But this one was specially packed in a tin. Anon Manners There was a young lady of Tottenham, Who had no manners, or else shed forgotten em; At tea at the vicars She whipped off her knickers Because, she explained, she felt ot in em. Anon The Rash Lady of Ryde There was an old lady of Ryde Who ate some green apples, and died. The apples, (fermented inside the lamented) And made cider inside her inside. Anon The Irish Pig Twas an evening in November, As I very well remember, I was strolling down the street in drunken pride, But my knees were all aflutter So I landed in the gutter, And a pig came up and lay down by my side.

Yes, I lay there in the gutter Thinking thoughts I could not utter, When a colleen passing by did softly say, Ye can tell a man who boozes By the company he chooses At that, the pig got up and walked away! Anon I cannot recommend Verse and Worse too highly, there many hidden gems within its pages, including many longer poems. Youjuice Twas an evening in September As I very well remember, I was walking in the jungle with my guide. When a shriek yelled by some nutter Made my heart go all a flutter, And a cannibal appeared, right by my side. Yes. I stood there (Ill not stutter) Thinking thoughts of m..m..me with butter When my wife with pointing gun did loudly say, You can tell that this defuses When a club is all he uses At that the cannibal just walked away. Limbless She stood on the bridge at midnight Her lips were all a quiver, She gave a cough her leg fell off And floated down the river.

I wish I had written this (Please note that an attempt was made to find the copyright holder. If the Estate would care to contact me I would be grateful.) Petalpower An accident happened to my sister Dot When down came a daffodil from a high spot Now flowers are harmless but this one was not, It came sweetly scented and wrapped in a pot. I spent 34 years as a primary school music teacher. Always on the look-out for humorous songs to amuse the children I found that some songs benefited by being brought up to date which I enjoyed having a go at. This one went down particularly well. Zanydood Yankee Doodle went to town Riding on a pony; He stuck a feather in his hat, And called it macaroni.

Chorus: Yankee Doodle keep it up, Yankee Doodle dandy, Mind the music and the step And with the girls be handy. Yankee Doodle had a farm, Where he kept cows for butter, And hens to lay him hard boiled eggs For breakfast lunch or supper. Yankee Doodle has a horse Its lame of course and lazy, And it just sits and eats and eats And this drives Doodle crazy. Yankee Doodle likes his beer He drinks it by the flagon. And you could say he needs it as His wife she is a dragon. Yankee Doodle often tries To find a place thats calmer.

And you may see him on the roof While eating a banana. Yankee Doodle stays out late On evnings when its balmy. And now his favrite takeaway, is chicken biriami. Yankee Doodle has false teeth, And while his wife is cooking, Hell creep in to the kitchens heat And hide them in the pudding. Yankee Doodle visits the zoo He likes the lions and llamas. But they came round and threw him out For wearing his pyjamas.

Henrietta, the pet chicken is three years old. Chickeneggday Happy worm day to you, Happy squirm day to you, Happy third birthday Henrietta, Happy bird day to you. Sitansetanseeon I think that I will never get Permission for a blue whale pet. But if I did itd make folks gawk When I took it for an evening walk. Id like to see its massive lips And I would feed it fish and ships. Its monstrous tail would rise and splat And put an end to next doors cat.

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