Why Not?
Why Not?
Lessons on Comedy,
Courage, and Chutzpah
MARK SCHIFF
Foreword by Jerry Seinfeld
Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage, an d Chutzpah
Copyright 2022 by M ark Schiff
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Published in compliance with Californias Propo sition 65.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2022936517
Print ISBN: 978-1-9 54641-16-7
Ebook ISBN: 978-1-9 54641-17-4
Printed in the United States o f America.
Contents
Every comedian-writer should have a partner who besides being the love of ones life is also a constant supplier of endless new comedy material and a crackerjack editor like my wife, Nancy, is. This book is dedicated to her, as if not for her, my act and this book would be but a dream. And to my kids, who support every crazy idea of mine as long as I keep giving them money and gifts. I love you all. And to all the people who have listened to my jokes and decided they were funny enough not to ask for their money back afte r my show.
Foreword by Jerry Seinfeld
M ark Schiff and I have been joined in comedy our entire adult lives. We met in the hot summer of 1976 in the bar at the Comic Strip comedy club in Manhattans Upper East Side. Mark was famous for wearing a little knit baby hat as we all sat around waiting to go onstage. We became friends instantly and had millions of 2:00 a.m. breakfasts at all-night diners around the city. Mark introduced me to the greatness of Frank Sinatra, Buster Keaton, and Rodney Dangerfield. We still work together doing dozens of performance dates all over the country ev ery year.
The thing I love about Mark is that his love of comedy is so pure. We still sit in diners talking about how it works or doesnt and whos doing what and how thats working or isnt. This collection of stories by Mark tells of so many amazing events in his life. And its very true to him. Ive known Mark my entire adult life, and Ive never seen him go for very long without telling me another absolutely mind-boggling story of something that happened to him years agoand often something involving some legendary iconic figure like Bob Dylan or Katharine Hepburn.
Mark has been the greatest comedy pal a guy could ever wish for, and I cant imagine taking the journey of comedy life without him. Most of all, he is a great storyteller, and this book really shows off not only his amazing sense of humor but also his warmth, wisdom, and invaluable life perspective, which means everything to me. This book is a great way for you to get to kno w him too.
Introduction
T hank you for purchasing (I hope) a copy of my new book, Why Not? Lessons on Comedy, Courage, and Chutzpah . Please do not let the Yiddish in the title fool you. This book is not just for Jews or, for that matter, the courageous. This book is for everyone who wants to laugh, wants to cry, and wants to lose weight and not gain it back.
How this book came about was that one day many years ago, I received a call from the editor of Los Angeless Jewish Journal . The Jewish Journal is a major weekly newspaper that is filled with one article after another mostly by Jews complaining about everything from war to tiddlywinks. All kidding aside, the Jewish Journal is a terrific paper and a very important one. The editor asked me if I would write an article for the paper. I had never written one before, but I said, Why not? and those two words are why you are holding this book right now. I am sure right before you bought it, you probably thought, Why not? It is not uncommon that two words can change a persons life. When I got married, I said, I do. Those two words changed my life, my bank account, and what I thought was a necessity for sex. I bet if you tried you could also locate two words that changed your life.
I had so much fun writing that first article. For me it was a whole new creative experience, and the people who read it seemed to really like it. So I decided to write another, and another. After just a few articles, I started hearing from the readers, things like, When I open the paper, the first thing I do is look to see if you wrote an article this week and Youre my favorite writer in the paper. Whether or not any of that is true, it is a good feeling to know that people have enjoyed my work.
After a lifetime of writing comedy, traveling the world, and sharing my jokes with strangers in hundreds of towns across the globe, its nice to have something that I dont have to get on a plane and deliver to you while standing under a row of hot lights. I hope you enjoy the book, and maybe one day someone might ask you to do something that you have never done before. Dont forget the two little words that might also change your life, and ask, Why not?
1
Age
May You Live Till 120
A t Marvins fiftieth wedding anniversary, he toasts, May my lovely Dora live till 119, and may I live till 120. Someone asks, How come you to 120 and Dora 119? Marvin responds, So I can have at least one year of peace an d quiet.
Jews are always wishing other Jews that they should live till 120. Thats because Moses lived till 120; but remember, Moses was a mountain climber, so he was probably in better shape than mo st of us.
The way things are going and the way Im already stiffening up, I cant imagine being able to lift even a pinky at 120. I have always had trouble telling people my real age. It started young. When I was ten I told them I was twelve. In show business they ask you what age range you think you are. That would be great in real life. How old are you? Im between thirty-seven and for ty-four.
Age has always spooked me. Last year an old friend from high school came to see me. He looked so old, I chased him out of my dress ing room.
I remember I once had a date and I lied to her about my age. I told her I was ten years younger than I was. When I told my friend what I had done, he asked me why I lied. I said because I was afraid she would not want to go out with me. He said, Thats ridiculous. Youre a good person and she wont care. Its whats inside you that counts. So I told her my real age and she immediately dumped me. I guess she couldnt see inside of me. Because she dumped me, I never got the chance to see insid e of her.
Men are famous for leaving their wives for a younger model. And women leave their husbands for the pool maintenance guy. Thats why I never got a pool and I live in a maintenance-f ree home.
Just so I can feel younger, the only people I tell my real age to are people much older than I am. A while back, I was with the great comedian Shecky Greene, who was in his midnineties. When I told him how old I was, he looked disappointed. He seemed to be hoping for someone much younger to be sitting nex t to him.
Im only now starting to accept my age, because Im finally starting to accept who I am. When I was younger, aging represented failure. I felt I should be further along for my age, that I should be more successful for my age. About twenty years ago, I told a great writer friend of mine, Hubert Selby Jr., who has since passed, that I thought I should be more successful by now. He said, I guess I shou ld also.