Chas Smith - Reports from Hell

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Copyright 2020 by Chas Smith

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Set in Dante

epub isbn : 9781644281536

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Smith, Chas, 1957- author.
Title: Reports from hell / Chas Smith.
Description: Los Angeles : Rare Bird Books, 2020
Identifiers: LCCN 2020013233 | ISBN 9781644280751 (hardback)
Subjects: LCSH: Smith, Chas, 1957TravelYemen (Republic) | Qaida
(Organization) | SurfingYemen (Republic) | Yemen
(Republic)Description and travel.
Classification: LCC DS247.Y42 S65 2020 | DDC 953.305/3dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020013233

To Circe Wallace, Maria Bangu, Chrystina Woody
and your almost endless patience.

Contents

PART ONE

Prologue

Miami, Yesterday

Im standing in the right wing of a Baz Luhrmanndesigned theater behind a luxurious velvet red curtain with General David Petraeus, who happens to be telling me about Syria, and Im nodding along but mostly thinking that he is not as short as everyone says. His biceps, knotted little balls sticking out of a shiny gray polo shirt, pull most of my focus. His skin is that waxy, shiny, taut thing that happens to people who work out compulsively in subscription gymsbut he seems normal, at least height-wise. Maybe even above average. Everyone had said he was really short. Like, exceptionally short.

On stage, a hedgefund manager is talking about shorting Warren Buffetts company, Berkshire Hathaway. Or actually hes saying that he would never short Warren Buffett while also saying that Berkshire Hathaways stock will lose at least 15 percent of its value when Buffett steps down as chairman and that he is basically two hundred and thirty years old and might step down any day, so it sounds to me like he is talking about shorting Warren Buffett.

The room is filled with other hedgefund managers scribbling furious notes as titans of finance, political insiders, professors, doctors, and billionaires discuss the state of the world at a very exclusive, invite-only financial conference in Miamis just-opened Faena Hotel. There is a $20 million penthouse up top and a $20 million Damien Hirstgilded wooly mammoth in hurricane-proof glass out front.

And General David Petraeus is sharing with me that Syria will likely never again unify, but hes doing so in a small-talky sort of way. After the brave man calling bullshit on Buffetts empire is finished, Im supposed to interview the general onstage about current events in the Middle East and how they affect international marketplaces. Im also supposed to be calling him general but hes not a general anymore unless general is like doctor and you get to keep the title even after being unceremoniously shown the door and retiring to save whatever face you used to have.

Either way, he earned it.

After graduating from West Point, hed served in Haiti and Bosnia before being promoted to general and heading off to Iraq, distinguishing himself in both combat and the nation-building that followed. After, it was off to command the US forces in Afghanistan then retired from the military and became the director of the Central Intelligence Agency. Thats where he had a steamy affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, and lost everything except his handle.

Of course, Im not supposed to ask him about the affair, but really, and I say this even as a famous-in-some-circles surf journalist, who cares? The appetites and foibles of powerful men are as interesting and unpredictable as American Treasury Bonds, which I just learned about two speakers ago and which are neither interesting nor unpredictable. The narcissism that it takes to climb to the topthe drive, ambition, self-obsession, and the self-beliefis an utterly knowable phenomenon.

His voice is quiet yet authoritative. He delivers easily digestible, easy-to-understand drips of Middle Eastern insight that I imagine rack-rate conference-goers crave, though he isnt looking at me but rather studying the printed notes in his hand instead. They are the questions Im supposed to ask him once we go out onstage, ones submitted in advance, but I was drunk when I wrote them a week ago, so I cant remember what they are. I try to steal a glance, but the only one I can see reads, Oil?

He has transitioned now and says something about Hezbollahs interference in regional stability and I accidently snort. He stops suddenly and fixes me in his steely eyes. Theyre piercing, almost like a birds, and I wish he would stop looking at me again.

To break the tension, I say, Oh. Ive spent some time with Hezbollah. The stare intensifies and I want him to go back to looking at my drunken questions while patronizingly walking me through the current state of Syrias union but add, They kidnapped me and my best friend, Josh. Or not really kidnapped , but they did blind us, stick pistols to our temples, drive around for a bit, throw us in a blood-smeared dungeon, interrogate us, and then feed us a delicious dinner.

He cocks his head slightly and now Im stuck, so I just start rolling out the story.

Okay, so do you remember when Al Gore launched his television channel Current TV in the mid-2000s? I cant think of why he did it or who his partners were, but anyhow, along with my best friends Josh and Nate, we were sent over by Current to Lebanon in 2006 to cover the Israeli invasion because, well and I pause trying to do the math. His expression hasnt changed. right after 9/11 we were the first people to ever surf mainland Yemen and while we were there sort of stumbled onto the headwaters of violent anti-state radicalismor, wait, we found that the second time we were in Yemen, riding motorcycles through Osama bin Ladens ancestral village, which we were only doing to get to India and this madrassa where that ideology had metastasized but got all screwed up because Josh saved me from a life spent trying to be famous and decided we needed to kidnap a monkey in Bombay and take it to Pakistan firstor not kidnap but somehow procure a monkey in Bombay and take it to Pakistan because in Pakistan he would be truly revered and live a better life butsorry, that was right after Lebanon.

My mouth kept moving and the words kept coming out, even though they all sound patently ridiculous even to me, even though I lived them. Like, what the hell was Al Gore thinking when he launched a premium cable network channel in the mid-2000s? Especially one built off user-generated content? Hadnt he foreseen the Internet and/or invented it?

In any case, a producer at Current had read some of our adventure stories, reached out and asked us if wed consider doing a bit for them, possibly a series or host a segment. Pods is what they called them, and they were basically YouTube videos for cable television before YouTube videos existed. Tensions between Hezbollah and Israel had just started to flare with Hezbollah snagging two Israeli soldiers and Israel threatening full-scale invasion. We told him that the only thing we were interested in was the impending war. They agreed at once and Josh and I were thrilled because we had signed a development deal at Fremantle Media the year before as they had also wanted to make a show about our adventures, partying with terrorists, etc., but things had taken a very ugly turn and devolved into a show about us going to Timbuktu in order to discover new musical acts.