Table of Contents
PENGUIN BOOKS
Dear Gangster...
The Gangster of Love prefers to be known only by his nom de guerre.
Introduction
by Dave Barry
Who is The Gangster of Love?
I cant tell you.
Oh, I know him. Ive known him for ten years. But I cant tell you who he really is. The Gangster has a secret identity, just like Superman, except that I never could understand why Superman needed a secret identify. I mean, hes Superman. What is he afraid of? That people will find out where he lives? That, some day when hes out fighting evil, people will break into his house and discover that The Man of Steel has a sticky area on his kitchen floor from when he spilled Smuckers grape jelly and just wiped it up with a dry paper towel because he was too lazy to get out the mop and the Mister Clean? That people will check out his CD collection and discover that he is deeply into Gary Puckett? That people will find stains on his sheets, or little hairs on his commode, or a giant tube of Preparation H in his medicine cabinet? Or maybe that, in his closet, he keeps a life-size inflatable doll that looks like Lois Lane? Or, God forbid, Jimmy Olsen? Is that what Superman is hiding from us?
And come to think of it, who, really, is Mister Clean?
I guess everybody has a secret side. The Gangster of Love definitely does, which is why I cant tell you his real name. For the record, hes not me. Im a humor columnist; I deal with the easy, obvious, topicspolitics, religion, life, death, exploding cows.
But The Gangster has no time for trivia. The Gangster writes about the only truly important topic, the Super Bowl of Topics, the King Kong of Topics, the Big Bang of Topics, the Young Mozart of Topics, the 32-ounce Prime Rib with Your Choice of Scalloped or Baked Potato of Topics, the Michael Jordan in his Physical Prime Taking Off with the Basketball from the Foul Line and Coming Down Several Minutes Later from the Rafters to JAM that Baby Home Over Three or Four Larger Defenders of Topics:
Love.
Thats all that matters, in the end. To everybody. You tune in to CNN and you see a group of world leaders at some economic summit, standing around in their suits, emitting carefully worded remarks about the Japanese yen, and you may believe theyre actually thinking about the world economy, but theyre not, at least not deep inside, where the real thinking goes on. Theyre thinking...
Need to see her...
Afraid that he...
Does she think that I...
If he knew that I...
Please let her be...
Does he really...
How do I tell her that...
God do I want to...
Just like the rest of us. Were all emitting remarks from our mouths, but feeling something much more complicated, much stronger, much harder to talk about, in our gut. Were forever wrestling with the Big Strong Snake of Passion, which never stops writhing, so that no matter how many times we think weve finally got it permanently pinned in a hold it cant escape from (Now, finally, I can stop worrying about this and get on with my REAL life), it always puts a slithery new move on us, and suddenly its gone. Or, worse, it has itself wrapped around us, and the harder we struggle (No! I dont have TIME for this! I have to get my car inspected! ) the tighter it coils around us, and all we can think about is...
Need to see her...
Afraid that he...
Because the truth is that there is no other real life. Unless youre some kind of inhuman mutant reptilian George Steinbrennerish being, love, or the void you feel without it, is your real life. And its not an easy life. As singer-poet Greg Brown says;
Its easy to do the goat dance
But its hard, its so hard, to really love somebody.
The Gangster knows this. He knows this as well as anybody youve ever read. He knows the romantic moonlit I-just-met-this-person-ten-minutes-ago-and-already-I-know-that-I-want-us-to- get-married-and-have-a-minimum-of-twenty-three-children glory of love; he also knows the shameful, petty, greedy, pathetic, insecure, hateful, strew-the-bastards-clothes-all-over-the-driveway-and-get-the-dog-to-pee-on-them disillusionment of love.
The Gangster knows this and more. He sees love from all the angles, angles you never thought of, angles you may be didnt want to think of, but that youll be fascinated to read about nonetheless. The Gangster is like a way-hipper version of Dear Abby on sodium pentathol. People write to him with their questions, and he cant stop himself from answering with the truth, even when this is clearly the last thing they want. He doesnt give easy answers, because he knows there are none. The Gangster doesnt waste anybodys time with Seven Rules for a Successful Relationship, because he knows that love can turn sour over a package of Lifesavers.
The Gangster has looked into the Heart of Loves Darkness, and hes not afraid to talk about what he has seen.
You still want to know who the Gangster of Love is?
Start reading.
i
LIVE AT THE LIVIN LARGE LOUNGE
Dear Gangster:I was engaged and lived with the same person for four years but weve been split up now for about a year and a half. I didnt miss him but I couldnt get used to sleeping alone so... what Im trying to say is, is it O.K. to like just fill the space with something, anything?... I mean substitute a...
Something, Anything
Dear Something, Anything: Listen, I dont know exactly what it is youre trying to tip-toe around but if you were bold enough to admit say, that for the past eighteen months all youve been sleeping with is a Teddy Ruxpin you picked up at a garage sale because you realized you can turn the volume off and his mouth still moves up and down in perfect rhythm, I would be the last person to judge you. I would suggest, however, that perhaps you turn the volume back up cause the guy does tell great stories.
Dear Gangster:I met this great guy in Blockbuster Video and it really seemed that he had his heart in the right place, if you know what I mean. What does that mean, anyway? But listen, the thing is, hes only taken me out once (to The Olive Garden) and now it seems that all he wants to do is stay home and get drunk and watch these Christopher Walken movies that Ive never even heard of. He sometimes watches the same ones over and over again for like forty-eight hours straight.
walken all over Me
Dear All Over: A. Dump him. B. Please send me his number.
Dear Gangster:I feel funny about even asking you this because I know the answer but... this guy Ive been seeing whos a pretty good guy has asked me to move in with him and its just that I wish things were going smoother because Ive only been working on and off lately and right now Im in this crummy little place and he has a much bigger, nicer place but I dont want that to be the reason I move innot that Im the kind of person who would move in with somebody just for their place but its so inviting that I keep questioning my motives. But then again I dont want to penalize him because he has a much better apartment than me and I dont want to jeopardize our whole relationship over something that Im not even sure of and if he had a crummy little place like mine Im not so sure I wouldnt still be hesitating, even though it wouldnt be about his place, it might be something else. I cant seem to make a decision because I dont think Im capable of making an intelligent one while living in this crummy little place and waiting for something to happen in my life thats going to get me out. I dont know. Can you help me?
