Osama bin Laden - MY DIARY 2006 Osama bin Laden

January 1.

Ive decided to apply for a Green Card. Im going to get my New York lawyer to put my name into the lottery. I feel lucky! Hey, Im the guy who nearly always wins the food hamper at the Taliban social evenings raffles.

Anyway, I want to see if it really is the land of opportunity.

January 2.

Alis stolen my yoghurt. I had my name in big letters, in felt pen, on the container: OSAMA. A blind man couldnt have missed it. I know the mans pig ignorant, but surely even he can read a name on a tub of yoghurt.

When I confronted him, he could barely be bothered to take his headphones off. (I could hear Terrorist by D.J. Vadim. Thats all he ever listens to.)

So? he said.

His presence is intimidating. Hes the same height as me, just under two meters, but broader. He can make himself look seriously menacing. Actually, he doesnt even have to try. He looks seriously menacing without any effort at all.

He only has one eyebrow, just a big overhang of black hair from the outside corner of one eye to the outside corner of the other, without any kind of break in the middle.

He also wears a headband. I think he sees himself as some kind of Arabian Rambo.

So? Like, you want to make something out of this?

He doesnt give me the respect Im due, so I have to be careful how I speak to him we all do hes such a head case.

Ali, I said, I was just wondering if you didnt, maybe, inadvertently of course, take a little bit of my yoghurt yesterday, by any chance, perhaps?

So? He shrugged his shoulders, and put his headphones back over his ears.

What can you do with such a thoughtless, selfish person? I gave him one of my withering looks, turned my back on him as cool as anything, and with quiet dignity and head held high, strode away.

Ill have to think of some way I can get my revenge. Im good at revenge.

January 12.

How does he do it? How does he get away with it? Kim Jong Ils now on a state visit to China. Instead of fawning over the midget in the khaki pajamas all the time, why dont countries ever invite me over?

I can see myself stepping off Osama Air Force One, being met by massed bands, a welcoming line of dignitaries, being wined and dined in marble halls, sleeping in palaces, and probably with pussy being made available on tap.

Ill do it! Ill start modestly and build from there. Ill write to the head of the smallest country in the world I think its the Vatican. Ill get the Pope to invite me over. Hell be grateful for the publicity.

Ill explain how a visit from me would really put his little place on the map. I doubt thered be any pussy on tap of course but maybe theyd lay on a few altar boys instead (I could take Ayman with me, come to think of it. Hed appreciate that).

January 18.

In a moment of magnanimity, but also to get things moving along a bit (Im so bored with my life at the moment) I offered the West a truce. They replied bluntly, no.

Ayman sneered at me and said, I told you so. Hes as small-minded as the enemy, incapable of ever seeing the big picture. Unless theres a little boy in it of course.

January 23.

The trial of Saddam Hussein began in October 2005. Theyve now appointed a new presiding judge. The previous one resigned when he was criticized for being too lenient. This new fellows saying he wont allow any more of Husseins lengthy outbursts.

I dont know why they continue with this charade. Everyone knows the West is playing the game, wanting to be seen as fair and just, but everyone also knows theyre going to take the dictator outside pretty soon and lynch him.

The man is such a waste of space. Hes a crook, an idiot and a dictator. An erector of grandiose statues of himself. He tortures soccer players and political opponents. Hes a common thief and a liar. Hes a builder of appalling taste, his palaces a horrible mix of kitsch and gold leaf. Hes a coward, a conniving, two-faced, sexual profligate, and a deviant. Hes greedy, mean and a nasty womanizer. Hes a disgrace to Islam. Hes an infidel and blasphemer. Hes vain, arrogant, pompous and stupid really stupid.

Im still trying to work out if I like the man, or not.

January 24.

Ive written to Mark Burnett, Executive Producer of Survivor at CBS, proposing the next series be filmed on the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. To hell with tropical islands, the Australian outback, Africa, the Amazon and pussy places like that. Lets sort the men from the boys.

The big prize will be capturing me ha, ha! As I pointed out to Mark, itll save CBS a lot of money because, if anyone succeeds in their mission fat chance! they can collect the $25 million reward money from Bush and his cronies. It will make the current $1 million prize money look like peanuts.

The big change in the program is that my men will be able to bump off the contestants. Thats the challenge for them, the ultimate test: to survive my al-Qaeda militia.