Linda Morin - The Courage to Look Beyond

The Courage
to
Look Beyond

ALSO BY THE AUTHOR

The Courage to Look Beyond: The Linda Morin Interview by Babs E. Keller. Healing Our World. 30:2, p. 26-28.

The Beauty Within, Healing Our World. 31:3, p. 28-29.

The Courage
to
Look Beyond

By
Linda Morin

The Courage to Look Beyond

Copyright Linda Morin 2012

Cover photograph and portrait of the author on page 393 taken by Michelle Valberg

ISBN 978-1-927481-05-9

EPUB ISBN 978-0-9917766-2-7

MOBI ISBN 978-0-9917766-3-4

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

eBook development: WildElement.ca

CONTENTS

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

M y family has been such a powerful force in my life. For good and bad, I thank you for helping me to be who I am today. First and foremost, without my boys, I wouldnt have had the strength or the courage to fight. I love you more than life itself. To my mother, Christina Handy, thank you for teaching me strength and loving me unconditionally. You are my rock. A special thanks to my brother, Richard, and his wife, Shirley, for being there with me every step of the way.

I wouldnt be here today without the strength and compassion of friends, both old and new. To the friends I have made during my journey, your support and love has been empowering. George, thank you for supporting me during my illness. I have come out stronger and wiser regardless of the struggles we faced.

Thank you to my dear friend, Glen Davis. Without your presence in my life, I wouldnt have had the strength or the courage to either face my fate or fight for my life. Thank you for your friendship and all of the lessons that I learnt during our time together.

A special thanks to my niece, Michelle, who encouraged me to tell my story to the world and to dig deep into my heart. It was a journey of healing and rediscovery. Also thank you to my editor, Emily-Jane Hills Orford, who helped me prepare the final manuscript for publication and, last but not least, to Cecile Robillard who voluntarily spent many hours editing my initial draft version and also Elaine Robillard for her help with the editing. My book wouldnt have happened without so many people.

It has been a journey and I feel like I stand stronger and more aware of who I am thanks to those who have passed in and out of my life. Please remember, though, that this is my story, my interpretation of the events that changed my life first as well as those close to me. I have changed some names to protect their privacy, including some members of my family, and I have recounted only what I remember, from my perspective. In no way do I wish to hurt, offend or malign anyone. This is, quite simply, my story.

CHAPTER ONE

I was always a healthy person. I ate well, exercised daily and I always tried to be in control of each and every situation. On July 24, 2007, my entire life changed drastically. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. For the first time in my life, I had absolutely no control.

I knew from that moment on that my life, and the lives of my two boys, would be changed forever. So many unanswerable questions: Was I going to die? If I died, what would happen to my boys? Who would take care of them? My questions were legitimate concerns. After all, not only was my life now on the line, but I was also going through a divorce. I was extremely stressed.

Nothing made sense. I had just gone for a mammogram in February 2007. The diagnosis was that I had a lot of cysts in both breasts. I was told that my breasts were dense, but that there was nothing to worry about for now. I was told to come back in a year for a follow-up.

I was worried, though. There was a history of breast cancer in my family. My maternal grandmother had died at the age of sixty-eight and my aunt at thirty-eight, both of breast cancer.

How could this be? How could I now be diagnosed when, only five months ago I had received a clean bill of health? This could not be happening to me! I was shocked. How could this be?

I remembered skating on the Rideau Canal in February, just four months earlier. I had experienced terrible pains in my stomach, my breasts were sore, and the pain was shooting down my leg. I couldnt skate for very long. I couldnt handle the pain. That is not like me. I could normally handle pain, but not this time. George, my boyfriend, and I went home. I lay down for a little while.

The next day, I went for my kick-boxing session. The same thing happened. The pain was overwhelming. I couldnt understand. I was a kick-boxer; I ran 10k a day, five days a week. And now I couldnt do any of that. It just made no sense. Why was I in such pain doing activities that I did on a regular basis? My breasts were too sore and the pain in my stomach was still there. I didnt know what was going on. I returned home, and removed my bra. The pain was so bad. I felt like I was nursing a baby, and my breasts were so heavy with milk that they were hurting, the type of pain that was usually accompanied by the embarrassing milk squirts as the overloaded breasts sought release. You know that feeling? It wasnt a good one.

I called my doctor to see if he could see me. I had to wait a week. The following day, I had considerable difficulty getting ready to go to work, to stage a home. Staging is the process of preparing a house for sale. The home stagers responsibility was to recommend decorating and presentation techniques that would best show a house to a potential buyer. The home stager would also put those ideas in place. This often required a lot of lifting, carrying, and moving things around. Normally, I wouldnt have had a problem with that, but not with this crippling pain. I had to wear a sports bra, as well as a very tight T-shirt under my clothing so that my breasts would not move. My stomach was so painful. It was also very swollen, making me look like I was five months pregnant. I could not wait to see the doctor. I continued working until I could no longer handle the pain. George took me to the hospital. The doctor examined me, took some blood tests and an ultrasound. The results came back. Again, it showed cysts on my ovaries, but one had burst.

Its very common, I was told. Theres nothing to worry about. The doctor may have been trying to sound reassuring; I was in too much pain to challenge him. He gave me a prescription for anti-inflammatory medication. This should shrink the cysts, he assured me. I wondered if he really understood the intensity of my pain. After all, he was a man. I was also still worried about my breasts. Was there something wrong with them? Why were they so sore? I knew that they were telling me that it was the cysts that were causing the pain, but I was confused. How could a cyst on my ovaries cause pain in my breasts? I tried not to worry, but nothing was making much sense and the pain was so intense.

We stopped at the pharmacy to have the prescription filled. I took one as soon as we were home. I was so tired at this point I just wanted to crawl into bed. It was late. As George and I were going upstairs, I almost collapsed. I could hardly breathe and I was having difficulty walking up the stairs. I finally made it to bed. At this point, I was gasping for air. George suggested we go back to the hospital, which we did.