Michael Rubens - The Sheriff of Yrnameer

Michael Rubens is a writer and television producer whose credits include CNN, Oxygen, the Travel Channel, and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. He lives with his wife and daughter in Brooklyn, New York, to help alleviate that areas dire shortage of writers and television producers.

A very different planet.

Cole, in the most dignified, reasonable tone that he could muster, said, Kenneth, seriously, you dont want to lay your eggs in my brain.

Kenneth, who was dangling Cole upside down by one leg, said, Stop squirming, Cole. Youre making this very difficult.

Kenneth had a truly wonderful voicecultured, warm, soothing.

I dont mean to be a scold, Cole, he said in that voice, but you shouldnt gamble if you cant pay your debts.

Kenneth, I cant even begin to tell you how well Ive learned that lesson, said Cole. In fact, Iwhoa! Is that your ovipositor?!

Mm-hmm. Oh, come nowyou dont have to make faces.

No, no, it looks fantastichave you had work done?

Nope. Just clean living. Hold still, please.

Kenneths voice did not match his appearance.

His appearance, while not precisely defying description, did manage to challenge it mightily. A casual observer would quickly note an overall design direction that leaned heavily on marine-inspired elementstentacles, claws, tentacles with claws; a fin here and there, hints of bioluminescence; plus an overall squishi- and squidginess. Added to the mix were subtle insectoid influences: boldly colored patches of exoskeleton; clumps of coarse, rigid hair. And eyes. Many, many eyes.

Kenneth did, however, have a really sensational voice.

Youve got a really sensational voice, said Cole.

Youre too kind.

Cole was in no way a casual observer. He was at the moment an exceedingly up-close and upside-down observer, face-to-faceor face-to-whateverwith Kenneths complex mouthparts and impressive array of eyeballs, swaying on their lengthy stalks.

Cole could see his own reflection in dozens of their shiny black surfaces. His overall design direction placed him squarely in the human category. His flight jacket was hanging around his ears, providing a backdrop for his dark hair and a face that rated a solid eight on the official Handsome Scale. Right now, however, his face merited about a 4.5, distorted as it was from gravity pulling it in the wrong direction, and from sheer terror.

The most immediate cause of that terror was Kenneths ovipositor, hovering just at the edge of Coles peripheral vision, the hairy appendage ready to posit Kenneths ovi where Cole very much did not want them posited.

You know, Kenneth, have you ever considered doing any VO work? I could probably put you in touch with some people, offered Cole.

You remember the Xhats campaign? Xhats Poog Sticks

the poogiest sticks of all, finished Cole. Of course! I love that one! I cant believe I didnt recognize it!

Really? Thats very gratifying to hear, said Kenneth. Anyhoo, where were we. Oh, right. My brood.

Kenneth, stop! I can get Kargs money!

Thats what you told me on InVestCo Four, and InVestCo Seven, and FunWorld World.

No! I mean, yes! But this time I mean itI can get it. I am getting it! Cole gestured up, or rather down, at the assortment of coins and bills that lay strewn on the pavement of the alley.

A few of Kenneths eyeballs lazily extended down on their eye-stalks to examine the money.

Wow. Four point three-seven percent of what you owe. Im sorry I doubted you.

They were alone in the alley. Just a few kilometers away were the towering buildings and broad, ordered streets of the Bourse, the largest of the Exchange Cities of InVestCo 3, the largest of the habitable planets of the Financial System system. Beings of all shapes and sizes were bustling about there, happily buying and selling and putting and calling and marketing and branding and shareholding and producing and consuming and whatever else the more-or-less honest folks did.

High above the planet, above the branding campaigns that scrolled endlessly across the upper cloud layer, the advertsats patrolled the orbits, zooming up with aggressive cheerfulness to welcome visitors from other planets and systems across the galaxy, places where yet more folks were buying and selling and commercing and et cetera. Places where very few beingsif anywere being dangled by one leg by a creature like Kenneth, and desperately wishing they had a big gun.

Cole had a big gun. Hed pointed it at Kenneth when Kenneth grabbed him. Kenneth ate it.

Kenneth, this money is just a down payment. Ill get the rest.

How, Cole? More gambling? Another inept smuggling mission? Some complex scheme, doomed to failure from the start? Kenneth sounded almost sorrowful. You know, I think you should reflect on the life choices youve made. Some beings are just born to be itinerant space adventurers. Others arent. You know whos really good at it?

Uh, jeez. Let me guess: Teg.

Teg! said Kenneth, apparently not hearing him. Hes courageous, handsome

Hes not that handsome.

dashing

Hes not that handsome.

Oh, please. Hes easily a nine point four, and an honest nine point four. He certainly didnt need to pay some kid to hack into the dating-service system and boost his Handsome rating from a seven point six to an eight.

How did Kenneth know about that?

I know a great deal about you, Cole. Dont forget, Ive been following you for quite a while. Anyway, this is all academic, continued Kenneth. Have you been consuming a lot of the local fish lately?

What? Why?

High levels of amargam. Very bad for my offspring.

You know, now that you mention it, Ive been on a total bender with those fish. Fillets, steaks

Um-hmm.

uh, soup, fish sticks uh sashimi! Raw sashimi! Raw!

Strictly speaking, raw sashimi is redundant. So, which of your eye sockets would you like me to use?

Kenneth, listen, Ive probably got amargam coming out the hoo-ha!

Well, fifty thousand eggs, Im sure some will survive.

All right, Kenneth, I didnt want to do this. But Ive about had it. Im going to count to three, and youre going to put me down, and then youre going to give me back my gun, which was very expensive. One

Two three, said Kenneth, finishing for him.

Kenneth! Farg it! Cole kicked and thrashed about violently. He took a vicious swing at Kenneths collection of eyes. The eyes easily moved aside, like wheat parting gently before the wind.

Cole was left panting, exhausted. His shirt succumbed to gravity and flopped down, bunching up under his chin. He could feel the cool night air on his rather pasty belly, not quite as firm as it once was. He sighed.

Kenneth, pleasethis is humiliating.

Nonsense, Cole. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Id think youd be proud to host my young.

Not for me. For you. This is beneath you.

Tell me about it.

Kenneths ovipositor drew back to strike.