Patrice Evans - Negropedia: The Assimilated Negros Crash Course on the Modern Black Experience

Copyright 2011 by Patrice Evans

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com

Three Rivers Press and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

eISBN: 978-0-307-46381-4

Illustrations by Brandon Bolt
Author photograph by Dana Marino
Cover design by Maria Elias
Cover illustrations by Brandon Bolt

v3.1

To my grandfather Leslie Big Heevie Evans Sr.

A Postracial Perspective

1.
A Primer to Blackness for All and for None

2.
Dating on the Color Line

3.
The Hall of Hallowed Negroes

4.
Black Is Something You Do, Hip-Hop Is Something You Live

5.
Welcome to Blollywood

6.
Dont Hate the Player

7.
Change the Uniform

8.
Color-Blind Capitalism

In the long and storied history of the universe, perhaps nothing has come so far and overcome so much as Black.

Some have theorized that in the beginning there was only Blackness.

And it wasnt a color.

It was just a void.

Nothingness.

Then came the sun and the heavens and the earth, and for some reason (perhaps because now people could see their own true ugliness) people began to hate on Black. They sided with yellow, and green, and blue, and others. They relegated Black to nighttime and said hurtful things like Its pitch black out herewhat are we going to do?

Black would think, What do you mean what are you going to do? I was here first, you light-reflecting punks. And you can do whatever you want, whether or not Im around. Just stop calling me pitch.

But Black never actually said anything. He was never one to speak up.

Instead, Black just absorbed the abuse. And over time he began to get depressed and sullen. He started practicing sinister forms of magic and comedy. And he would compose long lists of people he deemed undesirable.

Eventually, Black moved into a hole with his two favorite pets, one a sheep and the other a cat. Blessed with an entrepreneurial spirit, he founded a marketplace where people would trade goods unbeknownst to others.

On occasion, he would mail people and tell them to do his bidding lest he emerge and make it a Black day for everyone.

Black loved to come out on Fridaysespecially the one after Thanksgivingand came to be associated with that day. Still, by this point in time all hope for Black to be an accepted part of society seemed dim.

But then Black discovered he had a gift, a gift for fashion. From little dresses to top hats to shiny shoes, it seemed everything he made was stylish and appropriate for just about any occasion. This was the new Black, and he started making serious money with his gift. In fact, he made so much money, businessmen started referencing him when their companies started turning a profit.

To protect his financial interests, Black studied and became a guru of all the martial arts. Every time he learned a new martial art, he would wear a belt indicating his mastery.

Black was not to be fucked with.

Some other things happened along the way to get us to the point where we celebrate Black history. These were the small indestructible box he invented and the counterculture called Goth. But every individual accomplishment feels small when placed against the majesty of his complete legacya legacy that still has a bright future even as we celebrate its dark past.

Ever feel trapped by the perception of others, black man? Is the constant purse clutching by old ladies getting you down? Are your arms tired from trying to hail a cab for the last forty-eight hours? In this section were going to go over the primary reasons why any Negro should want to Get Assimilated. Like Clark Kent to Superman or Stefani Germanotta to Lady Gaga, you can go from mild-mannered, disadvantaged statistic to uberprivileged superstar with big sunglasses. Here are some of the advantages gained from going through our Nine-Step Nouveau Negro Assimilation Program (NoNap).

Thats right, homey. Start living life as an Assimilated Negro and have access to girls youve only dreamed about. You know those fly light-skin mamacitas strutting around looking flawless, like theyve been airbrushed by God? The ones you only see in the hood when theyre looking straight down, walking with a steady, determined pace toward the nearest exit out the ghetto?