Jasper Fforde - Lost in a Good Book (A Thursday Next Novel)

Synopsis:
Thursday Next, literary detective and newlywed is back to embark on an adventure that begins, quite literally on her own doorstep. It seems that Landen, her husband of four weeks, actually drowned in an accident when he was two years old. Someone, somewhere, sometime, is responsible. The sinister Goliath Corporation wants its operative Jack Schitt out of the poem in which Thursday trapped him, and it will do almost anything to achieve this but bribing the ChronoGuard? Is that possible? Having barely caught her breath after The Eyre Affair, Thursday must battle corrupt politicians, try to save the world from extinction, and help the Neanderthals to species self-determination. Mastadon migrations, journeys into Just William, a chance meeting with the Flopsy Bunnies, and violent life-and-death struggles in the summer sales are all part of a greater plan. But whose? and Why?

Sample viewing figures for major TV networks in England, September 1985

NETWORK TOAD

The Adrian Lush Show (Wednesday) (Chat show) 16,428,316

The Adrian Lush Show (Monday) (Chat show) 16,034,921

Bonzo the Wonder Hound (Canine thriller) 15,975,462

MOLE TV

Name That Fruit! (Answer questions for cash prizes) 15,320,340

65 Walrus Street (Soap opera; Episode 3,352) 14,315,902

Dangerously Dysfunctional People Argue Live on TV (Chat show) 11,065,611

OWL VISION

Will Marlowe or Kit Shakespeare? (Literary quiz show) 13,591,203

One More Chance to See! (Reverse extinction show) 2,321,820

GOLIATH CABLE CHANNEL (1 TO 32)

Whose Lie Is It Anyway? (Corporate comedy quiz show) 428

Cots to Coffins: Goliath. All you'll ever need. (Docuganda) 9 (disputed)

NEANDERTHAL CABLE NETWORK 4

Powertool Club Live (Routers and power planers edition) 9,032

Jackanory Gold ( Jane Eyre edition) 7,219

WARWICK FRIDGE,
The Ratings War

I DIDNT ASK to be a celebrity. I never wanted to appear on The Adrian Lush Show. And lets get one thing straight right now the world would have to be hurtling toward imminent destruction before Id agree to anything as dopey as The Thursday Next Workout Video.

The publicity surrounding the successful rebookment of Jane Eyre was fun to begin with but rapidly grew wearisome. I happily posed for photocalls, agreed to newspaper interviews, hesitantly appeared on Desert Island Smells and was thankfully excused the embarrassment of Celebrity Name That Fruit. The public, ever fascinated by celebrity, had wanted to know everything about me following my excursion within the pages of Jane Eyre, and since the Special Operations Network have a PR record on par with that of Vlad the Impaler, the Top Brass thought it would be a good wheeze to use me to boost their flagging popularity. I dutifully toured all points of the globe doing signings, library openings, talks and interviews. The same questions, the same SpecOps-approved answers. Supermarket openings, literary dinners, offers of book deals. I even met the actress Lola Vavoom, who said that she would simply adore to play me if there was a film. It was tiring, but more than that it was dull. For the first time in my career at the Literary Detectives I actually missed authenticating Milton.

Id taken a weeks leave as soon my tour ended so Landen and I could devote some time to married life. I moved all my stuff to his house, rearranged his furniture, added my books to his and introduced my dodo, Pickwick, to his new home. Landen and I ceremoniously partitioned the bedroom closet space, decided to share the sock drawer, then had an argument over who was to sleep on the wall side of the bed. We had long and wonderfully pointless conversations about nothing in particular, walked Pickwick in the park, went out to dinner, stayed in for dinner, stared at each other a lot and slept in late every morning. It was wonderful.

On the fourth day of my leave, just between lunch with Landens mum and Pickwicks notable first fight with the neighbors cat, I got a call from Cordelia Flakk. She was the senior SpecOps PR agent here in Swindon and she told me that Adrian Lush wanted me on his show. I wasnt mad keen on the idea or the show. But there was an upside. The Adrian Lush Show went out live, and Flakk assured me that this would be a no holds barred interview, something that held a great deal of appeal. Despite my many appearances, the true story about Jane Eyre was yet to be told and I had been wanting to drop the Goliath Corporation in it for quite a while. Flakks assurance that this would finally be the end of the press junket clinched my decision. Adrian Lush it would be.

I traveled up to the Network Toad studios a few days later on my own; Landen had a deadline looming and needed to get his head down. But I wasnt alone for long. As soon as I stepped into the large entrance lobby a milk-curdling shade of green strode purposefully towards me.

Thursday, darling! cried Cordelia, beads rattling. So glad you could make it!

The SpecOps dress code stated that our apparel should be dignified, but in Cordelias case they had obviously stretched a point. She looked about as far from a serving officer as one could get. Looks, in her case, were highly deceptive. She was SpecOps all the way from her high heels to the pink-and-yellow scarf tied in her hair.

She air-kissed me affectionately. Hows married life treating you?

Very well.

Excellent, my dear, I wish you and... er...

Landen?

Yes; I wish you and Landen both the best. Love what youve done with your hair!

My hair? I havent done anything with my hair!

Exactly! replied Flakk quickly. Its so incredibly you. What do you think of the outfit?

Ones attention is drawn straight to it, I replied ambiguously.

This is 1985, she explained. Bright colors are the future. See this top? Half price in the sales. Ill let you loose in my wardrobe one day.

I think Ive got some pink socks of my own somewhere.

She smiled.

Its a start, my dear. Listen, youve been a shining star about all this publicity work; Im very grateful and so is SpecOps.

Grateful enough to post me somewhere other than the Literary Detectives? I asked hopefully.

Well, murmured Cordelia reflectively, first things first. As soon as youve done the Lush interview your transfer application will be aggressively considered, you have my word on that.

I sighed. Aggressively considered had the ring of definitely perhaps about it and wasnt as promising as I could have wished. Despite the successes at work, I still wanted to move up within the Network. Cordelia, reading my disappointment, took my arm in a friendly gesture and steered me towards the waiting area.

Coffee?

Thanks.

Spot of bother in Auckland?

Bront Federation offshoot caused a bit of trouble, I explained. They didnt like the new ending of Jane Eyre.

Therell always be a few malcontents, observed Flakk with a smile. Milk?