M Sellars - Miranda

Excerpted from Rowan Gants Personal Book of Shadows:

7/13 3:30 AM:

I cant sleep. I need to but I cant.

We have a really long day tomorrow. Almost 20 hours of sitting in airports and on airplanes, not to mention Ireland is 6 hours ahead of us, so thats going to screw me up too.

But, here I am wide-awake. I suppose I could blame it on excitement, but I know damn well thats not why. Its that time of the year. The anniversary of Ariels murder is coming back around soon, and this is just par for the course. Hard to believe its been less than a decade now. Not even a full ten years since her death turned my life into this unending nightmare. But, knowing that doesnt change a thing. It still seems like it all happened forever ago. Maybe its because of this surreal existence of mine. Maybe its because I wish it would just go away. I want to forget all of it. The horror, the pain, the images But I cant. The nightmares never fade, and it doesnt matter if Im asleep or awake. Theyre always there. I have a feeling they will be until I die. I guess thats what I get for being a Witch.

Of course, Im not really a normal Witch now, am I? Hell, even other neo-Pagans think Im more than a little out there. They go bang on drums and dance around a fire. Me, I have conversations with dead people. All things being equal, Id much rather join them around the fire.

In retrospect I dont suppose I should have been shocked when the dead started talking to me. After all, I really brought it all upon myself when I purposely used WitchCraft to make a connection with their world in order to help solve Ariels murder. Although, lately Ive found myself wondering if my ethereal insight is truly borne of my practice of The Craft or if this would be happening to me even if I werent a Witch. Maybe theres something wrong with me. Like that movie about the guy who turned into a supergenius because of a brain tumor. Maybe Ive got one too. Who the hell knows? Maybe Im just plain abnormal. Of course, I suppose it doesnt really matter. WitchCraft is where it all started, so its what got me here in the first place. Whether Im abnormal or not, the rest is really just a moot point I guess.

If only Ben hadnt noticed that I was wearing a pentacle around my neck. If only he hadnt asked for my help. If only, if only It just never ends. I guess what it comes down to is that I should have stayed out of it. Just answered his questions and left it at that. If Id been smart, thats what I wouldve done. Then I would never have opened the door that led me down this path. But I couldnt stay out of it. The victim was Ariel. She was my friend. In my mind I didnt have a choice.

Of course, like they say, hindsight is 20/20. Theres nothing I can do about it now, other than drive myself crazy with all of the if onlys and second-guessing. The door between the world of the living and the realm of the dead is open for me now, whether I like it or not.

Live and learn, I guess Thats something else they say, whoever the hell they is.

I guess Im just cursed. The dead are my personal bad pennies that keep turning up. I close my eyes and theyre there. I open my eyes and theyre there. Day, night, sleep, wake It doesnt matter, they just wont go away. Ignoring them doesnt work either. Ive tried. Gods how Ive tried. And listening to them Well, that just gets me into trouble. Everyone around me too. Thats the worst part. Im damned if I do, damned if I dont. Why Felicity puts up with it I dont know. Her life would be so much easier if shed never even met me. But, if wed never met Id probably already be dead. Morbid, I know, but somehow she keeps me sane and alive. Somebody has to.

Im just rambling now. I guess thats no surprise either. I really need to get some sleep.

Sunday, December 24

5:22 P.M.

Saint Louis, Missouri

Cmere and tell me what ya think. Ben called out over his shoulder then stood back and cocked his head to the side in order to inspect his handiwork.

Constance wandered in from the kitchen and stood next to him, hands resting on her hips. What I think about what?

At six-foot-six, Ben stood at least a head taller than her, so as she spoke, she glanced up at him then followed his obviously preoccupied gaze to the end of the living room.

Whaddaya mean, about what? he said as he gestured. About that. So does it look better or not?

She gazed quietly at the rank and file for several seconds, scanning back and forth with her eyes. Finally, she replied, It looks like all you did was move the tall one.

Thats Big Ben.

Big Ben? Youre kidding, right?

Well, why not? Hes as tall as I am, aint he?

Taller, actually.

So there ya go.

Okay She paused then scrunched her brow as incredulity crept into her voice. But you named them?

Not all of em. Just some of em.

I worry about you sometimes.

Yeah, whatever. Look again. I did moren just move Big Ben, he said, pointing at the mantle. I swapped the two on the ends, and moved Sparky

Sparky?

The fireman.

Oh.

So, anyway, then I rearranged all those small guys in the middle too. See?

Oh she said, a not quite hidden chuckle in her voice. Well, I hate to say it, but other than the tall I mean, Big Ben, it all looks the same to me.

The same? he blurted, disbelief underscoring the words. Ive been movin em for half an hour. Youre not very observant for a Feeb, are ya?

Give me a break. There must be seventy of them for Gods sake. Any more and we wouldnt even be able to see the Christmas tree.

His tone turned momentarily boastful as he pointed at the middle of the front row. Seventy my ass. Therere a hundred and twenty-two countin the new guy there.

He have a name?

Not yet. Still thinkin about it.

I see. Well, suffice it to say you just made my case for me.

But the same? he groused. Youre kiddin me, right? It doesnt look the same.

She shrugged. Sorry, but it does to me.

Dammit Ben muttered then huffed out a heavy sigh as he began to point. Well, okay So, what if I put Big Ben over there instead, and then put all the

Constance cut him off before he could continue. Ben, relax, will you? They look just fine the way they are And they looked fine when you started this And they even looked fine when you set them up three week ago.

To you, maybe, he grunted. But they gotta be just right.

Theyre fine, she repeated a bit more forcefully, while continuing to stare at the display. After a moment she clucked her tongue and said, You know, one of these days youre going to have to explain to me exactly how you became so obsessed with nutcrackers.

Im not obsessed.

One hundred twenty-two of them, Ben? And you buy at least one new one every year.

I collect em. Its a hobby.