Ken Bruen - Headstone

He drained the last of the pint, thought,

Christ, that was good.

Another Jay?

Tempting?

Phew-oh.

But hed had two alongside the batter of pints already. Primarily, he needed a cig. That tipped the balance. He could already feel the first hit of ferocious nicotine. He moved from his stool, brushed the dandruff from his jacket. Normally he didnt notice it but hed caught sight of himself in the old mirror with the slogan,

My Goodness, My Guinness.

And a frazzled comic zookeeper chasing a pelican with pints of the black in his beak. Nearly made him smile; you just didnt see those ancient slogans anymore. Mores the Irish pity. He cursed anew those damn black jackets that showed up every fleck of white. Like stranded drops of snow. He said,

Night all.

Got a few muttered,

God bless.

No warmth though.

Fecking media had given his profession the taint of leprosy. Grudgingly, he conceded the fact he hadnt paid for any of his drinks the whole evening might be a factor.

He thought,

Bad cess to ye.

Outside, he stared at the church. Saint Nicholass. One of the two Protestant outfits in the city and, they claimed, some hoofmarks inside the door were made by Christopher Columbus before he set sail to find the New World. He figured they needed all the lures they could conjure. He got out his pack of Major, the strongest Irish cigarette, none of the Marlboro Light shite for him. Smoke or fuck off. He wouldnt be surprised if the decaffeinated tea rumor was true.

Flicked his Bic.

Got the first lethal drags of smoke into his starved lungs.

When the blow came to the back of his skull.

Hard.

He dropped the cig, nearly fell. Then a massive kick to his stomach did drop him to his knees. The mix of Jameson and Guinness spewed forth like a nervous confession. He heard,

Fucking bastards spewing.

Another forceful kick laid him flat on his back. He could barely see, had the mad thought,

Nothing good happens outside a Prod church.

He could barely see from pain but he registered three figures.

Was one a girl? He heard,

Hes wearing his dog collar.

And it was ripped from his neck with the chant of

Woof Woof.

A hand in his jacket, ripping out his wallet. Holding it up for the others to see, a male voice going,

Hes got a photo in here.

The chorus,

Who is it then?

Britney?

Lindsay Lohan?

An answer.

Some old cunt.

His mother.

He made the drastic mistake of trying to get up, surely the young people still had respect?

Right.

The next kick broke his nose.

He fell back.

The girl stood over him, sneered,

Trying to see up my skirt, yah pervert.

And shredded the photo into his face, paused, added,

Nearly forgot this.

Spat in his face.

He heard

Whos for a pint then?

As they moved away, he allowed himself a tiny amount of hope till one hesitated, came back, and with slow and deadly aim, kicked him in the side of his head, laughed,

Forgive me Father, for you have sinned.

A light rain began to fall, drenching what remained of his mothers torn photo. Shed always wanted him to be a priest. As his eyes rolled back into his head, he muttered,

Top of the world, Ma.

A headstone is but a slab of granite lashed by an indiff erent wind.

Things were looking up. Late October had brought a week of Indian summer. Be it global warming, the world going to hell?

Who cared?

We grabbed it while it lasted.

Eyre Square, people lying out in the sunshine. Ice cream vendors peddling slush at five euros a pop. The country had, on a second referendum, said yes to the Lisbon Treaty. We took that for what it was,

.a brief stay from Death Row.

I was coming off the worst case of my bedraggled career. Literally, a brush with the devil. I muttered,

Darkness visible.

Had sworn,

Never, never going down that dark path again.

Whatever it was, the occult, devilment,

Xanax, delusion, it had shaken me to the core. I still kept the lights on in the wee hours. In my apartment in, get this, Nuns Island.

Who said God had no sense of the ridiculous?

To add bemusement to bafflement, I met a woman. After the devil, Id gone to London on one of those late deal Internet offers. Met Laura. An American, aged forty-two, and, to me, gorgeous.

She made my heart skip a beat. She was a writer of crime fiction. At my most cynical, I thought I was simply material for her next book. A broken-down Irish PI, with a limp and a hearing aid.

Yeah, that would fly.

Did I care?

Did I fuck?

She liked me.

I grabbed that like the last beads of the rosary. She had rented a house in Notting Hill and was due to come and stay with me for a week. But hedging our collective bets, we went to Paris for five days, see if there was any real substance in what we thought we had. February in that wondrous city. Should have been cold and bitter.

Nope.

Such Gods there are gave us the Moveable Feast. Glorious freak spring weather. We had a lovely hotel close to the Irish Institute and were but a Bonjour from the Luxembourg Gardens, where we spent most of our time. I was nervous as a cat, so long since Id been in a bed with a woman, a woman I hadnt paid for, that is. My scarred body, I dreaded she would be repulsed by it. The opposite, she seemed to embrace my hurt and pain. Whispered as she ran her fingers along one lengthy scar,

No more beatings Jack, OK?

Worked for me.

In Hemingways beautiful memoir, pastiche, he writes of the miraculous time he and Hadley had and how they felt it would last forever. And wood was all around them and he never touched it for luck. I said that to Laura, she answered,

You touched my heart, thats all the luck we need.

Would it were so.

Sweet Jesus.

Id sworn that despite Paris and their customs, youd never catch me eating food in the park, Id never be that uninhibited to grab a French roll and eat it as I lay on the grass. I did, loved it, a bottle of Nuits- Saint-Georges, the French amazing sandwiches, wedges of cheese, the almost warm sunshine, and Laura. Jesus, it was heaven. I even rolled up my shirtsleeves. Made her laugh out loud, she said,

My God, you heathen you.

Like that.

We did all the tourist crap and relished it. Got our photograph taken on Boulevard Saint Michel. I carry the photo in my wallet and never, never now look at it. I cant. But its there, like the blessing I once believed Id be granted. Went to the Louvre and again made her laugh when I said the Mona Lisa was little more than a postage stamp.

In Montmartre on the second-to-last day of our holiday, drinking cafe au lait in the early morning bistros, she reached across the table, took my hand for reasons not at all, said,

You make me happy.

Jesus, mon Dieu, me, to make anyone happy. I was fit to burst. Our last evening, in a restaurant on the Left Bank, she literally fed me escargots and I thought,

Fuck, if they could see me in Galway now.

And then her idea:

Jack, if my next book deal comes through, would you consider living here for six months?

Was she kidding? Id have just stayed there then.

In bed that night, after a slow lingering lovemaking, we were entwined in each other and she asked,

Are you content to be with me Jack?

I told the truth,

More than my bedraggled heart could ever have imagined. After I got home and we were arranging for Laura to come to Galway, I went to the church, lit a candle, pleaded,

Ive never asked for much, but if it doesnt screw with some inflexible Divine plan, could I please have this woman with me, could Paris be, indeed, A Moveable Feast?