Reed Coleman - Empty ever after

We walked through the cemetery, Mr. Roths arm looped through mine. The cane in his left hand tapped out a mournful meter on the ice-slicked gravel paths that wound their way through endless rows of gravestones. The crunch and scrape of our footfalls were swallowed up and forgotten as easily as the heartbeats and breaths of all the dead, ever. The swirling wind demanded we move along, biting hard at our skin, blowing yesterdays fallen snow in our faces.

Bernstein! Mr. Roth defied the wind, pointing with his cane at a nearby hunk of polished granite. You know what it means in English, Bernstein?

No. I know stein means stone.

Amber.

Amber, like the resin with the insects in it?

Amber, yes. Bernstein, like burned stone. German, such an ugly language, he said, shrugging his shoulders. But at least the words sound like what they mean.

We walked on.

A lotta dead Jews in this place, Mr. Moe.

I think thats the point.

When I die, I dont want this this nonsense.

Why tell me, Mr. Roth?

And who else should I tell, my dead wife? Wait, were almost at Hannahs grave. Ill say Kaddish for her and then Ill tell her, but I dont think shell listen. I wasnt a very good husband, so its only right she shouldnt pay attention.

What about your son?

He stopped in his tracks, turning to face me, taking a firm hold on my arm. There were very few moments like this between Israel Roth and me. Hed suffered through the unimaginable, but he very rarely let the pain show through.

Im serious here, Moses. He almost never called me that. This is not for me, to be cold in the ground. Kaddish and ashes, thats for me.

Okay, Izzy, Kaddish and ashes.

Good, good, he said. Come already, were almost there.

I stood away from the grave as Mr. Roth mumbled the prayer. Yis-ga-dal vyis-ka-dash shmay ra-bo, Bol-mo dee-vro

Amen, I said when he finished.

As was tradition, we both placed little stones atop Hannah Roths tombstone.

I never said Kaddish for my parents. Israel Roth had tried to rekindle whatever small embers of my Jewish soul still burned. Even so, they didnt burn brightly. I wondered if theyd burn at all when he was no longer there to stoke them.

Would she forgive me, do you think? he asked, again twining his arm back through mine.

Would you forgive her?

His face brightened. See, theres the Jew in you, Mr. Moe. You answer my question with a question.

I would forgive you, Izzy.

The brightness vanished as suddenly as it appeared. You do not know my sins.

That wasnt quite true, but I didnt press.

As we got close to my car, I slipped on the ice and landed square on my ass. Mr. Roth took great joy in my fall. His joy seemed to dissipate as we rode out of the cemetery and back to Brooklyn.

Poland had miserable winters, he said, staring out at the filthy slush and snow-covered reeds along the Belt Parkway. The camps were muddy always, then frozen. Rain and snow all the time. The ground was very slippery.

Id think that would be the last thing people in Auschwitz would worry about. Slippery ground, I mean.

Really? Part of self-preservation was to busy myself with the little things. Did you ever wonder what became of the ashes?

What ashes?

The ashes of the dead, of the ones the Nazis gassed, then burned. They didnt all turn to smoke.

I never thought about it.

He cupped his hands and spread them a few inches apart. One body is only a little pile of ashes, but burn a few hundred thousand, a million, and you got piles and piles. Mountains. In the winter, the Germans made some of us spread the ashes on the paths so they shouldnt slip. Everyday I spread the ashes. At first, I thought, Whose ashes are these I am throwing like sawdust on the butcher shop floor? Is this a handful of my mother, of the pale boy who stood beside me in the cattle car? Then I stopped thinking about it. Thinking about the big things was a dangerous activity in such a place. Guilt too.

But you survived.

I survived, yes, by not thinking, by not feeling. But Ive never stopped spreading the ashes.

We fell silent. Then, as I pulled off the exit for my house, Mr. Roth turned to me.

Remember what I said in the cemetery, no burial for me.

I know, Izzy, Kaddish and ashes. But where should they be spread?

You already know the answer to that, he said. And we will never speak of these things again, Mr. Moe.

We never did, but never is a funny word. Time makes everyones never a little different.

Some thoughts are traceable, but I dont know why I was thinking of Israel Roth and that winters day in the cemetery. He was long dead now and I was all cried out. I was all cried out for the both of us. In death he was beyond the reach of my love and scorn. Even now, I am amazed at how he feared losing my affection. You dont know my sins, hed said. Hell, he didnt know mine. Its funny how that works. We were men of sins and secrets, Israel Roth and me. We could share love, but not sins. Too bad he died before mine were out in the open, before he could witness the bill come due.

You would think Id be good at grief by now, having mourned a mother, a father, a marriage, and a miscarriage before him. Miscarriage, what an asinine term. Oh, dear, I seem to have miscarried that baby. How clumsy of me! That child had been a part of Katy and me, not a tray of dirty dishes. As I recall, no one shouted, Oops! But experience had taught me that God doesnt say oops. You have to have faith in Gods big plan, so Im told, and that misery is all just part of it. For Mr. Roth, misery had been a big part of the big plan. No more misery for him. He had gotten his wish. Kaddish and ashes, ashes and Kaddish. Yis-ga-dal vyis-ka-dash shmay ra-bo, Bol-mo dee-vro I hadnt been quite so lucky.

Sure, there was some sense of relief in the secret being out, with Patrick dead and buried and buried again. Just lately, I find relief is overrated and secrets, no matter how potentially corrosive, can often sustain a man much the better than truth. I would know. Patricks vanishing act had changed the course of my life. Without his dis-appearance in December 77, I would never have met his sister, Katy Maloney, my future and now ex-wife. With Katy and me, as with all things, the seeds of destruction were sown at birth. Even if we hadnt made Sarah, the most glorious child ever, I would not regret my time with Katy. She had taught me love and comfort and how not to be only an observer to my own life. So no matter what Patrick had or had not done, I could never hate him.

The same could not be said of my late father-in-law, Francis Maloney. I knew exactly how I felt about that cruel and callous fuck. My father-in-law chilled the earth when they laid him in it, not the other way around. He too had known the secret of his sons disappearance, that I had found Patrick all those years ago and let him slip away. For twenty years, neither of us had managed the courage to confess our sin to Katy. We held the secret between us like a jug of acid, both of us scared to let it drop for fear of being maimed by the backsplash. We were right to fear it. For when, in death, Francis let go of the jug, the splash scarred us all.

Foolishly, he had assumed it would burn me worst. But the anticipation of the burn, the years of his taunting about ghosts and payback had hardened me. Secrets do that. If the secrets big enough, you build a wall around it until theres only wall and very little left of yourself. And Patricks secret was only one of many. As a PI, I had become a collector of secrets, a gatekeeper of orphaned truths. I kept the secrets of the murdered and murderers alike.

Since the divorce, secrets and loss were my only companions. I suppose, then, that it wasnt such a mystery, my thinking about Israel Roth on a rainy Sunday in July. Katy and I had tried briefly to reconcile, but there are some wounds from which recovery is neither possible nor truly desirable. We had sold the house even before the divorce was finalized. Katy moved back upstate to Janus and I bought a condo in one of the new buildings across from the water in Sheepshead Bay. Sarah stayed in Ann Arbor over the summer instead of coming home to work at one of the stores. The wine business wasnt for her. Like father like daughter. Christ, I hoped not.