Andrew Dice Clay - The Filthy Truth

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Copyright 2014 by Andrew Dice Clay

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address Touchstone Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

First Touchstone hardcover edition November 2014

TOUCHSTONE and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

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Interior design by Robert E. Ettlin

Jacket design by David Ter-Avanesyan

Jacket photographs: Front, courtesy of the author; Back, E+/Getty Images

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Clay, Andrew Dice.

The filthy truth / Andrew Dice Clay with David Ritz.

pagescm.

1.Clay, Andrew Dice.2.ComediansUnited StatesBiography.3.ActorsUnited StatesBiography.I.Ritz, David.II.Title.

PN2287.C5449A32014

792.702'8092dc23 [B]

2014010723

ISBN 978-1-4767-3471-2

ISBN 978-1-4767-3475-0 (ebook)

Unless otherwise credited, all photographs in the insert are courtesy of Andrew Dice Clay.

This book is in memory of my parents, who had me, raised me, loved me, and taught me to always believe in myself. Fred and Jackie Silverstein, you are missed every second of every day.

DECEMBER 1988. IM twenty years old, home from college for winter break. Im with my boys, the boys Ive known since I was six (the boys whose interactions I will steal from many times when I write Entourage ).

They all know that my going to college is a farce. Im never gonna be a lawyer. Im either too dumb or too lazy. But Im gonna be in comedy. Somehow. Some way.

My boys know this. One of them, Frankie Giovanello, tells me that I have to see this new comic on the Rodney Dangerfield special.

Frankie swears that youre gonna shit your pants when you hear this guy.

His name: Andrew Dice Clay.

So we all sit down.

We bust open some Jack (my parents are out).

And we wait. For the Diceman.

Now, Im a punk at the time, a hater. Comics I dont already know and idolize all suck. So I wait, anxious to tell my boys how much the Diceman sucks. How when Im older, Im gonna be much funnier.

And then he comes on.

Leather jacket.

Hair to the ceiling.

Cigarette in his mouth.

I remember this like its yesterday. Seriously.

And Im thinking, What the fuck is this?

And then he starts.

He puts his arm around his neck and takes a toke off his cig.

To this day I have no idea why that was funny, but I didnt stop laughing for the next ten minutes.

Neither did my boys.

Vulgar nursery rhymes.

Sex jokes.

Aggressive.

Raw.

Nasty.

But you could feel, or at least I could, that it was a put-on. There was something lovable about this guy.

I was sure he was going to be a giant star. Two years later, the same crew and I were at Madison Square Garden, screaming along with twenty thousand other maniacs at Little boy blue. He needed the money.

I was right. Dice had blown up.

Every guy I knew could recite his entire act.

He made movies and TV shows. He seemed to be everywhere.

And then he disappeared. Poof.

I always wondered what had happened.

I didnt know that nearly twenty-five years later I would have a chance to help resurrect one of the most dynamic performers Id ever seen.

When Dice came to the set of Entourage to start work on our final season, it was as if I were a kid again, watching as a fan. Hes such a force and a presence. The minute he started his scene, he just popped. I went over to him after and said, You know, your whole life is about to change. And he just said, Yeah. Im ready.

I knew he was. And so did Woody Allen, and now Martin Scorsese. The Diceman is back with a vengeance!

Doug Ellin

MOST CELEBRITIES WRITE their books to look good. If their necks were long enough, theyd bend over backward to kiss their own ass. Most people rewrite history to make themselves the fuckin hero. Well, I do consider myself a hero, but not the kind that blows smoke up his butt. Im a hero like Rocky is a hero, cause Ive learned to take punches. Im a hero because if you knock me down, I get right back up. Im a hero cause the weasels who wanted me outta the game are outta the game themselves, and Im still swinging. Im a hero cause I got the balls to tell the filthy truth.

So Im not gonna start at the top. Im gonna start this at the bottom. I aint playing the Garden or the Forum. Im playing the back room of a sushi bar in Vegas. Im broke, grinding through the toughest decade of my life. Two marriages have collapsed. Counting the cost of my divorces, my crumbling career, and a vicious blackjack jones, Ive lost millions. If it wasnt for the fact that I was raising my two wonderful sonsthe most beautiful human beings in the worldI might have lost it. But I havent lost it. I still got it. Im standing up tall in this little Japanese joint, performing in front of fifteen people when I used to perform in front of fifteen thousand. Im saying, Youre watching history. Youre watching Rocky training for the championship. Youre watching the champ on the comeback trail. Youre gonna remember this moment when you saw Dice in such a place, just like you remember the time you got your first hot fuck. When youre fucking, the dark clouds lift and the world goes away. You guys know what Im talkin about. When youre slammin into her soaking-wet pussy like a fuckin freight train, you aint worried about the rent or the price of gasoline. When youre about to bust wide open with your barrel of load, you got the energy of the gods. Well, I got that energy tonight. Im coming at you with all I got.

That night was the beginning of the ride back. That night I also got a little spiritual. I talked about God. I said, They say after you die you get a few minutes with God. Well, I can imagine God saying, Dicehes calling me Dice cause hes a fanDice, whats the one thing in life that really bothered you?

And I say, Well, G, youre a great guy for asking. So, with all due respect, there is one thing Id like to know.

Whats that, Dice?

When men get older, why did you go and stretch the balls out like that? Why didnt you stretch out the cock? I mean, how great would it be when you go off to work to hear your chick say, Honey, tuck your cock into your cuff.