Leesa Harker - 51 Shades of Maggie, Liverpool Style. A Liverpool parody of Fifty Shades of Grey

Well, Big Sally-Ann wanted to go for a drive to Childwall Abbey with Freddy Dick-Fingers last week and didnt I have to go down to the Dole to do her fuckin back-to-work interview? Heres me, No.

And then she said, Go on Id do it for you.

I said, Why do you wanna go over to Childwall Abbey with him anyway?

This is her, Thats what you do, isnt it? With fellas?

This is me, Eh ... no. Thats Childwall Abbey , not fuckin Downtown Abbey. But Ill do it for twenty fags an a squirt of your Colleen Rooney perfume.

So I sauntered on down to the Dole, stinkin of the Rooneys an took a ticket to get in the queue. Sure the number on the ticket was 29 an theyd just called number 2 an I think Im gonna be here all fuckin day in this sweat-box. So, I tramped over to sit down an werent my pink Converse trainers stickin to the carpet? An this is me to myself, this has to be the most mingin place on the planet. Sticky carpet an a faint whiff of fags in the air an the staff look like they are suckin lemons, the miserable fuckers.

Then I saw an old tramp sittin at the end of my row an hes nearly unconscious from booze an in his hand is a ticket that says 4 on it. So, I thought to myself, eh, hes almost sleepin anyway, an hes keepin warm in here, hell not mind sittin a while longer. So I got up an shifted past him an on the way I plucked the ticket out of his hand. Then he wakes up an is huffin an shufflin he probably thinks hes outside the Spar an somebodys nickin his carryout. Then I said, You dropped your ticket, mate. An I passed him the ticket with the number 29 on an he just smiled an closed his eyes again. So I skipped on an sat a couple of rows in front to wait my turn.

Well, two Nigerian fellas were eyein me up while I was sittin there. Im not racist, a shags a shag. So I gave them a wink an uncrossed my legs like the woman from Basic Instinct ? Now, I had pink leggins on an I said, Here babe, no knickers.

An one of the lads said, Those leggins are see-through thats some bush.

An they both bust out laughin an made a twat out of me. Fuckers. Then I looked down an didnt I put my pink footless tights on that mornin instead of my leggins an the Muff was stickin through the material. It was like a big gay hedgehog. But before I could lamp one of them boys for their cheek, wasnt Big Sally-Ann called in an I went in pretendin to be her.

The guy doin the interview was like somethin out of the Kays catalogue tall, dark an shag-some. He had a gorgeous grey suit on, like one youd see in Topman, an a grey silk tie. The most gorgeous green sparkly eyes that stared through me, settin my flaps on fire. Proper shag material like. So I said, How YOU doin? Then didnt I trip on the manky carpet an fall into the room, head first an into his arms. An my face went bright red but he just smiled at me an Im thinkin, boss, he wants into my knickers! An he said to me that hes fell over before too, an I thought to myself, yeah, probably trippin over his big trouser-snake!

He reminded me of Mr Big from Sex and the City , so thats what I called him Mr Big. Now hes not from Toxteth or anythin. Said he was from outside the city, from somewhere in the Lake District, but had an apartment near work. He was askin me all sorts when I last worked an what my qualifications were an Big Sally-Ann had forgotten to fill me in on the bastard info so wasnt I makin it up as I went along? I told him she had a ten-metre swimming badge and was the first-aid officer in the Red Lion. Cos when Big Sally-Ann got stabbed in the arm that time, I stook my thumb in the hole til the ambulance came. An thats all I could think of. But Mr Big seemed to like it.

He was scribblin down everythin I said an lookin up at me every now an then with his green twinkly eyes an half-smilin. I think he was, like, mentally undressin me, the dirty beast. If only he knew I went commando his pecker would be knockin the table from underneath. So then he said that that would be everything for today, and that hed process the paperwork and that hed see me again in a few months.

But I couldnt let it end there. So I flashed him my best shag-me eyes. Nothing. It was time for extreme action, so I did a Sharon Stone. Didnt he just smile an get up to hold the door for me? An I thought to myself, most fellas would be takin a charge at me with their flies down after a look at the Muff through those leggins. And I thought to myself, he must be gay. An Ive enough gay friends, what with our Will, Big Sally-Anns little brother, an his gang of Kylie-lovin mates. But I couldnt stop thinkin about Mr Big the rest of the day. His posh accent, his grey suit from Topman an his lovely green eyes.

I couldnt even concentrate when I was shopliftin a box of fish fingers from Iceland an I got caught by the security guard. I had to promise him Id meet him out the back of the shop to give him a blowie, but didnt I do a runner on the dope. He probably stood there til midnight waitin for me, the twat. When I got home, all I could do was think about Mr Bigs tallywhacker an his little half-smile an I was moist, Im tellin ya.