Chris Grabenstein - Rolling Thunder

The day starts like so many others with John Ceepak: We bust an eight-year-old girl for wearing high heels.

She wants to ride the ride! says the kids mother, who, Im assuming, was her accomplice in the beat-the-roller-coaster-height-requirement scam. The ponytail piled up on top of the short girls head (which makes her look like one of the Whos from Whoville) was, no doubt, another part of the plan.

The rules regarding the minimum height requirement are in place to protect your daughter, says Ceepak.

I wanna ride the ride! The little girl stamps her foot so hard she snaps off a heel.

This way, says Ceepak, indicating how mother and daughter should exit the line snaking about a mile up the boardwalk from the entrance to Big Paddys Rolling Thunder, the brand-new, all-wood roller coaster rising up behind us like a humongous humpbacked whale made out of two-by-fours.

Its the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. The unofficial start of another Fun-in-the-Sun season down the shore in Sea Haven, New Jersey. Opening day for Big Paddy OMalleys Rolling Thunder roller coaster.

Ceepak and I are working crowd control with half the Sea Haven PD. The other half is inside on security duty for the dignitaries about to take the first ride around the heaving mountains propped up on wooden stilts. You step far enough away, the Rolling Thunder looks like a KNEX construction kit sculpture. Or one of those summer camp Popsicle stick deals on steroids.

Ceepak and I walk up the line. Hes staring at short peoples feet.

Young man?

This is directed at a boy, maybe seven and very ingenious: Hes duct-taped a pair of flip-flops to the soles of his sneakers.

Please step out of the line.

What? says a very hairy man in a sleeveless AC-DC Rolling Thunder T-shirt, the one with the monkey skeletons banging Hells bell. AC-DCs munching on fried zeppole wads, showering so much powdered sugar down the front of his black tee it looks like his curly chest has dandruff. Whats your freaking problem, officer?

Your sons shoes, says Ceepak. Clearly you are attempting to circumvent the rides forty-eight-inch height requirement.

Huh? father and son say at the same time, because I dont think circumvent is a vocabulary word either one of them has learned yet.

It appears, Ceepak clarifies, that you are encouraging your son to cheat.

That settles that.

No way is John Ceepak cutting Shorty a break because, as annoying as it sometimes is, my partner-an ex-military man who looks like he could still jump out of a helicopter with a Humvee strapped to his back-lives his life in strict compliance with the West Point Cadet Honor Code: He will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.

Please step out of the line, sir.

Were not steppin nowheres, says the boys father. Is it our fault the rules are so freaking stupid?

Actually, I chime in, the rules are there for a reason.

AC-DC Man sizes me up. Hes bigger than me. Heck, his beer gut is bigger than me. But Ive got a badge on my chest and a gun on my belt. He doesnt. Well, not that I can see. Like I said, he has a laundry bag belly sagging all the way down to the tip of his zipper.

Come on. Dont youse two have something better to do than ruin a kids day?

The roller coaster isnt going anywhere, says Ceepak. Perhaps you and your son can come back and ride it later in the summer after hes reached the required height.

Hes riding it today!

No, sir. He is not.

What? You gonna arrest him?

Of course not. If you wish to remain in line, that is your prerogative. However, rest assured, an hour from now, when you finally reach the front, your son will not be allowed to enter the ride. Danny?

We move on.

The crowd is amazing. I know Memorial Day is considered the unofficial start of summer, but here in Sea Haven things dont usually get this crowded until after the schools let out near the end of June. Then the population of our eighteen-mile-long barrier island swells from twenty thousand to a quarter million, and we have to hire all sorts of part-time cops just to deal with the traffic and crosswalk congestion-especially near the Ritas Water Ice stands.

So its incredible to see how many people have shown up on the last weekend in May to ride the new roller coaster erected on the recently refurbished Pier Four. Big Paddy OMalley, the father of this kid Skip I knew in high school, and his partners bought the whole pier late last summer after a boarded-up ride called the Hell Hole burned down, almost taking Ceepak and me with it.

Its a long story. Remind me. Ill tell you about it sometime.

Anyway, Big Paddy OMalley and company gutted the old pier down to its pilings, tore out the rusty old rides, hauled away what was left of the Whacky Wheel and the Chair-O-Planes, and built this 100-foot tall, 3,458-foot-long wooden roller coaster with an eighty-foot drop and a top speed of fifty miles per hour.

Im afraid that father and son will have a long wait, says Ceepak. With two thirty-seat trains, the ride has a maximum capacity of only one thousand passengers per hour.

I think Ceepak is a member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, just so he can memorize stats like that from their bimonthly newsletter.

Of course, all thirty seats in the first train to hurl (pun intended) around the track will be filled with members of the OMalley family plus assorted state and local dignitaries-not to mention my buddy Cliff Skeete, a disc jockey at WAVY who will be doing a live remote broadcast so we can all listen to him scream like a terrified two-year-old into his cordless microphone.

One minute to blastoff! Cliffs voice booms out of the giant speakers theyve set up near the rides entrance so everybody on the boardwalk (or anywhere else in a hundred-mile radius) can hear. Over the entryway, theres this cool neon sign with retro red letters spelling out R-O-LL-I-N-G, then T-H-U-N-D-E-R, with jagged blue lightning bolts flashing on both sides.

Let me tell you, folks, croons Cliff, who calls himself the Skeeter when hes on the air and plays this annoying mosquito buzz every time he mentions his name, this job has its ups and downs. And today, its gonna have its ups and downs and ups and downs-not to mention a few twists and turns. Riding in the front car we have Mrs. and Mr. OMalley-Big Paddy himself. Their sons, Kevin, Skip, and Sean. Daughter Mary-whos sitting right in front of me. You ready to roll, Mary?

Dead air.

Now I remember what the mean kids used to say about Mary OMalley: She rode the short bus to school. I believe she is mentally challenged. Slashed her wrists in the bathtub a couple times.

Oh-kay. Thanks, Mary, says Cliff, because thats what good deejays do: They keep calm and blather on, no matter what. Thirty seconds until blastoff.

Ceepak and I are up near the front of the line now. I can see the You Must Be This Tall to Ride This Ride sign. Its a leprechaun holding out his hand. The OMalleys are major-league Irish.

Ceepak motions to the kid in a green polo shirt checking heights.

Be aware that some people in this line are attempting to cheat your height requirement.

For real?

Totally, I say, because Ceepak is over thirty-five and wouldnt know how to say it.

The guy returns to his measuring stick task with renewed zeal.

There are other warning signs posted near the entrance. My favorites are the graphics suggesting that this attraction is not recommended for guests with broken bones, heart trouble, high blood pressure, pregnancy, or recent surgery.

Sure. The day after my appendectomy, the first thing Im gonna do is climb on a roller coaster.

Ten, nine, eight D.J. Cliff is swinging into his Apollo 13 impression. The thing is-roller coasters dont really blast off; they more or less lurch forward, then chug up a hill.