Ien Renkin - Death Is Not the End

Is loss redeemed by memory? Or does memory merely swell the sense of loss, becoming the enemy? The language of loss is the language of memory: remembrance, memorial, memento. People leave our lives all the time: some we met only briefly, others wed known since birth. They leave us memories which become skewed through time and little more.

The silent dance continued. Couples writhed and shuffled, threw back their heads or ran hands through their hair, eyes darting around the dance floor, seeking out future partners maybe, or past loves to make jealous. The TV monitor gave a greasy look to everything.

No sound, just pictures, the tape cutting from dance floor to main bar to second bar to toilet hallway, then entrance foyer, exterior front and exterior back. Exterior back was a puddled alley, full of rubbish bins and a Merc belonging to the clubs owner. Rebus had heard about the alley: a punter had been knifed there the previous summer. Mr Merc had complained about the bloody smear on his passenger-side window. The victim had lived.

The club was called Gaitanos, nobody knew why. The owner just said it sounded American and a bit jazzy. The larger part of the clientele had decided on the nickname Guisers, and that was what you heard in the pubs on a Friday and Saturday night Going down Guisers later? The young men would be dressed smart-casual, the women scented from heaven and all stations south. They left the pubs around ten or half past thats when it would be starting to get lively at Guisers.

Rebus was seated in a small uncomfortable chair which itself sat in a stuffy dimly lit room. The other chair was filled by an audio-visual technician, armed with two remotes. His occasional belches of which he seemed blissfully ignorant bespoke a recent snack of spring onion crisps and Irn-Bru.

Im really only interested in the main bar, foyer and out front, Rebus said.

I could edit them down to another tape, but wed lose definition. The recordings duff enough as it is. The technician scratched inside the sagging armpit of his black T-shirt.

Rebus leant forward a little, pointing at the screen. Coming up now. They waited. The view jumped from back alley to dance floor. Any second. Another cut: main bar, punters queuing three deep. The technician didnt need to be told, and froze the picture. It wasnt so much black and white as sepia, the colour of dead photographs. Interior light, the audio-visual wizard had explained. He was adjusting the tracking now, and moving the action along one frame at a time. Rebus moved in on the screen, bending so one knee rested on the floor. His finger was touching a face. He took out the assortment of photos from his pocket and held them against the screen.

Its him, he said. I was pretty sure before. You cant go in a bit closer?

For now, this is as good as it gets. I can work on it later, stick it on the computer. The problem is the source material, to wit: one shitty security video.

Rebus sat back on his chair. All right, he said. Lets run forward at half-speed.

The camera stayed with the main bar for another fifteen seconds, then switched to the second bar and all points on the compass. When it returned to the main bar, the crush of drinkers seemed not to have moved. Unbidden, the technician froze the tape again.

Hes not there, Rebus said. Again he approached the screen, touched it with his finger. He should be there.

Next to the sex goddess. The technician belched again.

Yes. Spun silver hair, almost like a cloud of candyfloss, dark eyes and lips. While those around her were intent either on catching the eyes of the bar staff or on the dance floor, she was looking off to one side. There were no shoulders to her dress.

Lets check the foyer, Rebus said.

Twenty seconds there showed a steady stream entering the club, but no one leaving. Exterior front showed a queue awaiting admittance by the brace of bouncers, and a few passers-by.

In the toilet maybe, the technician suggested. But Rebus had studied the tape a dozen times already, and though he watched just once more he knew he wouldnt see the young man again, not at the bar, not on the dance floor, and not back around the table where his mates were waiting with increasing disbelief and impatience for him to get his round in.

The young mans name was Damon Mee and, according to the timer running at the bottom right-hand corner of the screen, he had vanished from the world sometime between 11.44 and 11.45 pm on Friday 22 April.

Where is this place anyway? I dont recognize it.

Kirkcaldy, Rebus said.

The technician looked at him. How come it ended up here?

Good question, Rebus thought, but not one he was about to answer. Go back to that bar shot, he said. Take it nice and slow again.

The technician aimed his right-hand remote. Yes, sir, Mr DeMille, he said.

April meant still not quite spring in Edinburgh. A few sunny days to be sure, buds getting twitchy, wondering if winter had been paid the ransom. But there was snow still hanging in a sky the colour of chicken bones. Office talk: how Rangers were going to retain the championship; why Hearts and Hibs would never win it was it finally time for the two local sides to become friends, form one team which might might stand half a chance? As someone said, their rivalry was part and parcel of the citys make-up. Hard to imagine Rangers and Celtic thinking of marriage in the same way, or even of a quick poke on the back stairs.

After years of following football only on pub televisions and in the back of the daily tabloid, Rebus was starting to go to matches again. DC Siobhan Clarke was to blame, coaxing him to a Hibs game one dreary afternoon. The men on the green sward werent half as interesting as the spectators, who proved by turns sharp-witted, vulgar, perceptive and incorrigible. Siobhan had taken him to her usual spot. Those in the vicinity seemed to know her pretty well. It was a good-humoured afternoon, even if Rebus couldnt have said who scored the eventual three goals. But Hibs had won: the final-whistle hug from Siobhan was proof of that.

It was interesting to Rebus that, for all the barriers around the ground, this was a place where shields were dropped. After a while, it felt like one of the safest places hed ever been. He recalled fixtures his father had taken him to in the fifties and early sixties Cowdenbeath home games, and a crowd numbered in the hundreds; getting there necessitated a change of buses, Rebus and his younger brother fighting over who could hold the roll of tickets. Their mother was dead by then and their father was trying to carry on much as before, like they might not notice she was missing. Those Saturday trips to the football were supposed to fill a gap. You saw a lot of fathers and sons on the terraces but not many mothers, and that in itself was reminder enough. There was a boy of Rebuss age who stood near them. Rebus had walked over to him one day and blurted out the truth.

I dont have a mum at home.

The boy had stared at him, saying nothing.

Ever since, football had reminded him of those days and of his mother. He stood on the terraces alone these days and followed the game mostly movements which could be graceful as ballet or as jagged as free association but sometimes found that hed drifted elsewhere, to a place not at all unpleasant, and all the time surrounded by a community of bodies and wills.

Ill tell you how to beat Rangers, he said now, addressing the whole office.

How? Siobhan Clarke offered.

Clone Stevie Scoular half a dozen times.

There were murmurs of agreement, and then the Farmer put his head around the door.