Cannelll - Fuckin Hell Its Paul Cannell

FUCKIN HELL

ITS

PAUL CANNELL

ME PLAYIN FOR THE TOON

Published in Great Britain by Poodle Publishing 2012

All Rights Reserved

Cover designed by Paul Cannell

The Author

He used to be a professional footballer in the 70's and the 80's, not great, but not bad either. The Geordies would call him a canny player. You may have heard of him not because of his footballing prowess, but because of his 'name. 'Fuckin Hell, it's Paul Cannell', the phrase first coined by Brummie comic genius Jasper Carrott, has followed him for the thirty odd years since he left Newcastle United where he enjoyed seven fantastic years. He did receive some respite from it during the four years he played in the North American Soccer League with teams such as the Washington Diplomats, the Memphis Rogues, the Calgary Boomers, and the Detroit Express, however on his return to the Toon, it started all over again; not on the terraces but in the bars, taxis, buses... even in the fuckin' butchers!

This book is a collection of controversial stories featuring some of the world's 'greats' such as Johann Cruyff, Malcolm Macdonald and Pele; some of the famous such as Howard Stern, President's daughter Susan Ford, Jerry Lee Lewis, Jasper Carrott and even fuckin' Sting and others such as his mates, Jimmy Steele and Bob Stetler, his drug dealer Joe and the infamous 'Memphis cookie man'. Oh, and I nearly forgot, there are some fuckin' twats in it as well... like Jimmy Hill the ex Coventry chairman and disgraced owner of the Detroit Express and the Washington Diplomats.

It's a little bit chronological in that I've split it into three sections; my time in England, my time in the States and my time after football. The stories are about things that happened during my time in the game. Some are hilarious, some are surprising, some are shocking and some are disgusting. Some however, are hilariously, surprisingly, shockingly fuckin' disgusting... The stories you don't normally read about!

DEDICATIONS

Ive been told that I need to do a page of dedications; I asked why and was told you just do! There have been so many people who have affected or influenced me life. Far too many to list meaningfully here, so the criteria I have used is to list the people who, if given the opportunity, I would like to have another pint with..

Bill Shaw aka Billie the Pie . Bill was my Bessie mate at school and during my time playing for The Toon. I only really lost touch with him when I moved to the States. I tried like hell to get him over there, but his fear of flying prevented that; Planes, theyre just flying Bombs he would always say. Billy the Pie stories are legendary, far too many to pick one out. Its sufficed to say that, if there is a big pub in the sky, Billy will be in there, keeping the regulars in stitches and drinking the bar dry! Cheers Billie.

Bob Stetler or Stetz A team-mate at both the Washington Diplomats and the Memphis Rogues. I thought the world of Stetz. He was as mad as a hatter nothing fazed him or scared him. He was a true American gentleman and a right good lookin bastard! Without a doubt, hell be pullin all the women in the big pub in the sky.

Harry Storey A schoolmate who I played football and cricket with for many years. Stogsy became a very astute businessman who confounded the theory that you had to be mean and self centred to be a success. Hell be diffusing any altercations in the big pub in the sky!

Me dad, Tony Cannell Without a doubt hell be in there drinking a pint of mixed expounding his theories of space and time travel. At least he fulfilled his lifetime dream of sitting in a spaceship that had been to the moon. Mind you, the security staff at the Smithsonian were not too happy about it!

Me mother, Olwen Shell be in the big pub in the sky suppin her Carlsberg Special Brew wondering why she feels tiddly and generally spoiling Tonys night! Shell leave before him and then the dog, Blitzen, will take her for a walk!

Davy Hall Those who knew Davy will know that hes keeping the big pub in the skys punters entertained. Like the others on this page, he loved a pint almost as much as everyone loved him! I wish Id known him longer

I raise a glass to you all.

INTRODUCTION

So why is Paul Cannell age 58, who started playing football on the Spinney with the much older, infamous, Spinney Gang, now writing a book? Well, as I was often reminded by two great friends of mine Ken and John Somerville that I did play for one of the greatest football teams in Europe for a number of seasons; then travelled to America to play with and against some of the greatest players the world has ever seen at the height of the North American Soccer League. It took other people to make me realise that I had a story to tell.

Ive written this book meself; nee ghost writers; If you spot any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors, then blame Bill Gates Microsoft spell check or Heaton Grammar Schools Dan Matthews who was my form teacher as well as my English Language teacher for my formative years. He also ran the school football team during the time I played for both the Northumberland and England Schoolboy teams. To me, colons and semi colons should have been taught in biology and not in English language lessons. I also might spell Terry Hibbitt with a smile or call Malcolm Macdonald Ronald a couple of times but so what, the stories are arl still the same.

I suppose I should apologise up front to my kids Ally and Ross for some of the things theyre going to find out their dad got up to; but shit, everyones got history otherwise they wouldnt have the phrase do as I say, not as I do

I hope you find these stories interesting and entertaining, I think you will cos, as Ken Somerville always said to me, Its better to be a has been than a never been!!!

CONTENTS

PART ONE

FUCKINHELL ITS PAUL CANNELL

1 ONCE A MACKEM, NOT ALWAYS A MACKEM

2 GENTLEMAN JOE

3 IN SAFE HANDS I DIVVENT THINK SO!

4 ALL WHITE NOW

5 PRE MATCH WARM UP

6 FUCKIN HELL ITS PAUL CANNELL

7 MEGGY THOO

8 HOWZAT

9 TICKET TOUTS

10 PHANTOM UNITED

11 IF I HAD A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU

12 SHEIKH SHEPHERD

13 SIX FOOT TWO, EYES OF BLUE, BIG JIM HOLTONS

GONNA KICK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!

14 MALTA SUNSHINE HOLIDAYS

15 THE WITCH QUEEN OF CRAWCROOK

16 SUPERMAC

17 JINKY JIMMY SMITH

18 A BLAST FROM THE PAST

19 GRAB A GRANNY NIGHT

20 THE PLAYERS STRIKE

21 GETTIN HER LOG OVER

22 MAGIC MAGPIE MEMORIES

23 THE CLASH

PART TWO

STAR SPANGLED SOCCER, MY PART IN ITS DOWNFALL

24 LEAVIN ON A JET PLANE

25 CAF DE PARIS

26 IF IT MOVES KICK IT, IF IT DOESNT MOVE, KICK

IT TIL IT DOES

27 I SEE A FULL MOON A RISING

28 BLACK PUDDIN

29 LORTON PRISON BLUES

30 CH...CH...CH...CHANGES

31 TOOT TOOT TOOTSIE HELLO

32 THE MIGHTY QUINN

33 THE PRESIDENTS DAUGHTER

34 IM WAITIN FOR MY MAN

35 COME ON OVER TO MY PLACE

36 UNDER THE KNIFE

37 I WAS WALKIN IN MEMPHIS

38 HAVE YOU SEEN THE COOKIE MAN???

39 DEAL OR NO DEAL THAT IS THE QUESTION

40 CREAKING FLOORBOARDS

41 GETTIN HIGH LEGALLY!

42 MOVIN ON UP

43 TAKIN IT ON THE CHIN

44 IN THE BLUE RIDGE MOUNTAINS OF VIRGINIA