Hawkins - Funny You Should Ask, Life Without a Field Guide, Book One

Funny You Should Ask

Life without a Field Guide Book 1

Lill Hawkins

Copyright 2015 by Lill Hawkins

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Cover art from a public domain illustration by Molly Brett

Ive published Funny You Should Ask and Unschooling Who? previously in article form

O ther homeschooling parents make me feel like such a slacker. Like Ava and her husband, Carl. Shes a translator. Hes a biologist who specializes in diseases of plants. This year, they're educating their three kids in France via field trips to the Louvre and strolls along the Champs-Elysees. Shes translating books from Arabic to French and he's fighting grape blight or blot or rot or something.

They're both so intelligent that they have to drink three glasses of wine and take a Benadryl to talk to ordinary people like me. On Thanksgiving this year, while we ate our turkey and cranberry sauce, they digested their dinde rotie and sauce de myrtille. Then I assume they hit the Beaujolais before they composed a "what our kids are doing in homeschool" blog post. Sandwiched in between photos of French street scenes with tiny figures that might have been them or might have been almost anyone, including pigeons, were lists of what their kids were up to. I swear they only do it to make unschoolers like me feel inadequate.

My kids are very artistic but they've never shown any interest in art history or anyone else's art. Their kids are making a copy of Empress Theodora and her retinue, a mosaic that appears on the south wall of the apse at San Vitale. Life-sized. In their hotel room. With pieces, they manufacture themselves by breaking bottles, ashtrays, ceramic soap dishes and cough lozenges. (The picture of it is kind of dark, but I believe I can just make out the Smith Brothers logo on one of the red robes.)

My kids go to the library and get books about Pokmon, the latest fantasy novel, Barbie, and fairies. Their children write books like "Deforestation and its Impact on Biodiversity, Habitat Loss, Trade and Endangered Species." With footnotes in Latin. I'm only up to page 568, but I can tell you, we won't be getting any mahogany furniture anytime soon.

We visit museums and spend more time arguing about whether the blinds are made out of aluminum or plastic than we do looking at the exhibits. Their kids are docents at three museums and a private collection of Faberge Eggs. Imperial Eggs. The eight missing ones.

We have a Black Lab and three cats. They have a Giant Gambian Pouched Rat, a Komodo Dragon, several hedgehogs and a platypus. Laying eggs. It's their science fair project at the homeschooler's science fair. We don't attend ours, ever since the unfortunate incident with the manure vs. chemical fertilizer experiment. (I still say they should have given us extra credit for demonstrating the explosive property of those chemicals).

We play Mario Tennis. They play polo with real ponies and several members of royalty. We spend hours wading in tide pools but never remember to bring our marine biology book, so all we can identify are crabs and those brown wiggly things with all the legs. Sandworms? Clamworms? Well, they're ugly as sin and can give you a painful pinch, we know that. They often do research for the Cousteau Society. In a shark cage. With the door open.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little here, but honestly, this is what it feels like sometimes, when I read all the blog posts about museums toured, concerts attended, instruments mastered, classics read, projects completed, esoteric knowledge acquired and businesses in operation. Doesn't anyone else just hang out with each other most of the time? Visit with friends? Read for pleasure? Make things just for the heck of it, not because they're projects or educational? Consider Jeopardy or the History Channel or PBS specials highly informative? Doesn't anyone take a walk without a field guide?

We do get a lot of non-fiction out of the library every week and my kids are both very creative, but we're pikers compared to what seems to be the norm in the homeschooling blogosphere. I have this recurring nightmare that my kids are going to turn 18 and sue me for not making them learn more. Oh wait, didn't I just read that a ten-year-old homeschooler did that? And represented himself? In a Class Action Suit? And won? Serves you right, Ava and Carl.

W e were paying for gas at a convenience store and the kid behind the counter who looked all of twelve to me must be the new bifocals asked the question , No school today? Sometimes, its, Why arent you in school ? Sometimes, its Doctors appointment ? My daughter usually answers, I am in school. Im unschooling. Sometimes this stumps the chump who asked the question and he or she just smiles and nods and we go on our way. Each of us is thinking that the other one just wasted a few minutes of prime talking time that could have been used to comment on the weather or Maine roads or whether its too early to plant peas.

Sometimes, though, we run into someone who isnt just asking to make conversation. These are people who firmly believe that kids should be in school and they dont hesitate to let us know that. Dont you miss your friends? is one of their questions. Dont you worry about socialization? What about college? How will your kids ever learn to fit into the real world? Kids need to learn how to deal with bullies (Or homework or doing things they dont want to do or fill in the blank.)

We got tired of answering these questions a long time ago, so Im thinking of carrying a FAQ sheet around with me so that I can hand it out. Itd save a lot of time. Here it is if youd like to use it. If you think of anything Ive forgotten to list, let me know.

1. Q . Why arent you in school?
   A . Why arent you in therapy? A . Why would you ask? A . Im still contagious. A . If I cant take my gun, Im not gonna go. A . Head lice. A . My religion lets me marry at 9 and Im on my honeymoon. A . Leprosy A . Psychiatrist appointment. A . I had to see my parole officer. A . Court date. A . My parents refuse to make me go to a place I hate where Im cooped up for six hours with 22 other kids my own age and completely separated from both the real world and the people who love me the most.
2. Q . Dont you miss your friends?
   A . Yes, I wish theyd quit school so they could hang out with my unschooling friends and me.
3. Q . Dont you worry about socialization?
   A . Yes. Thats why my kids arent in school.
4. Q . How will your children learn to deal with the real world?
   A . By watching reality shows, just like everyone else.
5. Q . No, really, you cant raise them in a bubble. What about the real world?
   A . Please refer to the last answer to the first question on this list. Then consider that were standing in this store/home/community/park/library/restaurant/restroom interacting with another human being with no artificial strictures on our conversation, thoughts or actions. Now, define real world.
6. Q . How will your kids learn to deal with bullies?
   A . The same way theyre taught to deal with them in school. Theyll tell a grownup. The only difference is that theyll have a grownup whos paying attention and wholl actually protect them, which is what kids have the right to expect from adults. When they get old enough, well help them learn to deal with bullies, but not until they have the maturity, experience, and several self-defense lessons.
7. Q . What about college?
   A . College shmollege. If you raise kids to know that they can do what they want, and college is what they want, theyll find a way to go and well help them figure it out if they want us to.